To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

[Bookeatingboy]

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

This did happen with ds 4 in Jan, he tells me his friend at nursery is 'John', off the grapevine I heard in that John had a big class party before Christmas, ds was not invited, and it hurt. I was all ready not to invite John to ds party, so I asked ds who he wanted for his 4 party, and he kept saying 'John'. So I swallowed my pride and invited John and his mum. Yes it hurt, but ds had his friend and I had the upper hand. Apparently mum looked very uncomfortable.

My sympathies! I taught my DS (who has Asperger’s) that he had to invite anyone whose party he had attended himself that year. That’s just basic good manners and many people will follow that rule. I am sorry this other mother did not. I’m afraid you can’t point out her atrocious manners but please be gracious and forgiving and do invite her DS anyway.

I agree with others, may not anything to do with his ASD.

What do you hope to achieve by confronting this mother? What she did wasn't illegal and she and her child might have very good reasons. You will very likely come out of it looking hysterical and wishing you'd not said anything.

However I do sympathise with your feelings and it hurts us all as parents when our kids are hurt or when we perceive they've been treated unfairly.

There are loads and loads of 'my child wasn't invited to a party' threads on here and honestly it's one of those things you get a bit wound up about when kids are very young but you soon lighten up/toughen up! There are various reasons why kids aren't invited and not all the mothers are 'bitches' as some Mumsnetters seem to believe.

You wouldn't be 'taking a stand' though.

You'd be making a massive deal out of something which, in the grand scheme of things, is really insignificant.

Not everyone gets invited. It happens.

You don't want to be told that and you don't want to be offered possible reasons.

What do you want?

Klein I would never leave a child out from a group of 7 friends, so will still invite party boy to ds's party.

OP, you posted this on page 1:

I know you're all right BTW... I will look like a loon if I ask her, but I so want to right now.

So why are you still challenging people and talking about having it out with party's boy's mum? You were right on page 1. Don't make this worse for your DS by demanding an explanation.

Oh and re any mother who doesn't invite one child is a 'twat'.

Any mother who tells their own child to go against their feelings, wishes and instincts and invite a child they don't like is a 'twat'.

(Not saying this is the case with OP's child btw.)

I find it unbelievable that people are precious enough to take this so personally to the point of actually demanding an explanation from the mother! Our kids have to learn to deal with disappointments and to come to the terms with the fact that not everyone in life will like you or want you to be their friend.

there used to be a thread that linked to an article about how being a parent of a child with SN is essentially like being at war. You act open - smiles and PTA committee all round - but keep your armour up.

Maybe someone can find it, I found it helpful at moments like these. Things are better now.

Don't say anything. I've learned the hard way that it never benefits your child for you to be needy (which is how anger/disappointment/questioning comes across). As said above, ds's skills, not your hurt (or even his, frankly).

You have my sympathy. I just hope some other parents sometimes get a glimpse of what it is like.
I've had the 7 year old invited to 0 parties all year, and I hoped she hadn't noticed until "why doesn't anyone invite me to their party".
Or the 10 year old who was one of only 3 boys in his year not invited to a party. He actually asked the Mum why not, which I hope showed her a little of how thoughtless it was.

just to add your feelings are totally reasonable. acting on them wouldn't be.

I'm doing a little hating on your behalf and hope that helps xx

My DC1 is 8 & has certainly changed friendship groups since reception it's evolved over the years. It's also a double entry school so there are lots of children to mix with. Perhaps your DS has moved on or the birthday boy has? My DC doesn't give me an exact low down on who exactly they are hanging around with every day

He actually asked the Mum why not

What did she say?!

There really is some bloody awful language going on here.

OP will look like a 'loon'

What is a loon and what does a loon look like?

just saw your ds has a twin.
yeah!
that's more important for his future than parties, really it is.
DS2's older brother has been a transformative influence xx

Am going to listen to Life and Loves of a She Devil on listen again now and will imagine a SN-excluded-from-parties version.

I would never leave a child out from a group of 7 friends, so will still invite party boy to ds's party.

Sorry to labour the point, but i still don't understand how you have only just realised that one of these 7 friends had a birthday party several months ago.

Surely if they were so close, you'd have heard something before now.

It really does sound like you think they are much closer than they actually are.

what's wrong with loon? that's not wrong with "bloody"

The OP herself said 'I'll look like a loon' jellybelly

People in real life routinely use the word loon to mean a bit silly/OTT.

If they've been friends for so long have the boys parents only just realised your DS has SEN? Because your DS has been invited to things before, yes?

Bearbehind, when you have a child with SN, you don't need to have it proved to you that their friendships may be less secure than you'd hope.
That's why we cry.

Also if these boys are as close as 'three musketeers' then wouldn't they all have spoken about the party afterwards? And wouldn't you ds have said something to you? It sounds like they are not as close as you think they are.

I taught my DS (who has Asperger’s) that he had to invite anyone whose party he had attended himself that year. That’s just basic good manners and many people will follow that rule.

Really! My kids usually had big parties and I would be horrified if anyone thought that by attending they were obligated to invite my DC to their children's parties. That would be sad.

Kids should invite who they want to their parties without leaving 'individuals' out. Invites should be done in private and kids and parents should be taught not to talk about parties in front of children that weren't invited.

My daughter has 8 girls in her year - superficially they are all friends, except one girl kept saying really horrible things to my daughter.
We are comparatively close to the parents but my daughter didn't want us to talk to them about it. However my daughter refused to invite this girl and one other to her party. I felt so awkward about it but couldn't possibly have told my daughter that she needed to invite her because of social niceties and that this was more important then how she felt about this girl.

The parents did ask me about it and I tried to explain but it was awkward as hell.

Eventually things came to a head between the girls and I did have to speak to them more directly about how the girls were getting on - perhaps I should have done that at the beginning.

I am not saying your son is anything like this or anything else but that not everyone who excludes a child or two does it maliciously.

It really might not have been malicious or because of SN - there could have been any number of reasons.

Ask if you really feel you need to, in some ways I'm glad these parents did - so it could be out in the open - I couldn't go and apologise or explain in advance. How they react to you asking will probably show what kind of people they are (embarrassed/apologetic vs angry/defensive or uncaring) but I agree it could lead to unnecessary hassle for your son if they are twats.