To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

[Bookeatingboy]

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

Perhaps the party was arranged via FB. Perhaps you should send a friend request. If the kids have been friends for so long, you must know the mother reasonably well.

I do feel for you OP its my SN son who is frequently left out of parties although he has recently been to two now he's in year 6. I've never queried it as I don't know what answer would make me happy therefore I wouldn't dream of asking.
I'm planning on leaving ONE child out of my sons party invites this year. I hope to goodness the mother doesn't ask me why too... I can't think of a nice way to say your child is a thief and rubbed my sons pencils over his genitals...

bookeatingboy - I have a son with asd but it was my daughter that had the same experience you are talking about. A small class with few children, and the only one not invited.

Please do not assume it is the asd, it could be anything, and it could be nothing to do with your son. It could be that the other children have become fed up with your son being held as the shining example (this was what I found out later happened with my daughter! teachers fault!, but with my daughter it lead to outright bullying by other girls in her class) Children fall out for all sorts of ridiculous reasons, sometimes it is a parents fault, sometimes just one of those things.

I was deeply hurt as was my daughter by the being singled out for non-inviting. All you have to do is watch that it does not become more like bullying in school. As a one-off thing, try as you have been advised by most here to, just let it go.

Be warned, as your son gets older the asd may well mean that he finds himself on the outside of groups because that is the nature of asd, socially unable to keep up. If you start causing issues between yourself and the other parents now, you could well end up exacerbating the problems for your son later on.

I hope your son's party works well and is an opportunity to repair any broken relationships with his classmates.

I think you might have to face the possibility that the friendship isn't quite as "tight" as you think it is. Some of your posts are contradictory and you sound a little bit defensive. I reiterate others that it's a bad idea to mention it, ultimately you can't turn back time and have him attend the party and could put future invites in jeopardy.

As they have been close friends for years, doesn't the other mum know your DS reasonably well already? He must have been to the boy's parties and playdates before. It seems odd that his ASD would suddenly be an issue now. Has she seemed ok with you and your DS in the past? Has anything happened which might have changed her pov about your DS?

I have 2 dc with asd, neither were invited to many parties. Rarely asked twice on a play 'date' they are now yr5 and yr7 and still not in touch with friends out of school much. Tbh it is easier as they find school exhausting and socialising is hard work for them.

I noticed they are not as popular as their peers, but I also see what lovely kind and sensitive people they are, but when it comes to generating social currency they are not very skilled. They are not badly behaved but they find the behaviour of their peers confusing at times, they can easily ignore children they have known all their lives but will chat about the weather with the child's parent. They don't approach socialising the same way as their friends.

In the op's position I would not be stressing about this party that has already happened, what would be gained by confronting the parent? I am all for challenging discrimination but there are so many other challenges more worthy of taking up headspace. My dc are good at telling me about what bothers them, they rarely mention party invites apart from for their own parties, Dd is campaigning hard for a party for her 10th birthday and I can guarantee that she is not asking to invite the dc who have invited her to parties in the past but the ones she likes best this month. Choose your battles and don't assume that your children are affected by the things you find upsetting. My children have taught me so much about perspective, I am still learning though.

Op in the nicest possible way you need to let this go. There could be any number of reasons why ds wasn't invited - most likely that the boys aren't as close as you think - they are growing up and friendships change. If you were all so close you would be Facebook friends with his mum at least I'd have thought. My dd is 7 and I have a pretty good idea of when friends birthdays are so how come you didn't realise sooner?

Brilliant post bigmouth

Any mother who tells their own child to go against their feelings, wishes and instincts and invite a child they don't like

I remember asking the child-psych if it was worth insisting on my rule after DS had a massive meltdown over wanting to invite other kids from school instead of some of the kids whose parties he'd been to. The child-psych said it was well worth sticking to my guns because DS needed to learn about social obligations.

Seems like a few parents of non-Aspie kids also need to teach their children a few social skills and especially that their own “feelings, wishes and instincts” about disliking another child do not trump their existing social obligations. If you like a child enough to go to his party then you like him enough to invite him to yours, falling out or not.

My kids usually had big parties and I would be horrified if anyone thought that by attending they were obligated to invite my DC to their children's parties. That would be sad.

Oh, of course I didn’t tell my DS that he should always expect return invitations Not all children have big parties or birthday parties at all, and if you went as one of a big crowd you wouldn't expect an invitation to a party for a few special friends in return, that would be upping the ante. But that doesn’t let my DS out of doing the right thing at his party!

bigmouth thank you for refocusing my mind. I'm usually of this mind set but I let this situation get under my skin today. It happens to the best of us at times. In my frustration I then stupidly posted in AIBU knowing full well what type of replies I would receive. The negative posts don't bother me as my skin has grown fairly thick over the years as the parent of a child with SN's.

I will "let it go" for the sake of ds. I may write a letter to her to file away as I'm sure I will find it cathartic

Good luck op, I hope you feel better soon.

That's great OP, good luck with that.

I understand book, I felt it when dd went to the school disco recently and she was standing alone and awkward in the queue to go in surrounded by girls in pairs and small groups giggling and seeming years ahead of dd. I didn't want to leave her. But she wanted to go, she looked lovely and said she had a good time, she just dances to a different tune, it was so hard leaving her there, but she was fine. I still wanted to cry but she was fine.

Maybe it is similar to what happened at Ds birthday party -

I sent the invites into school, didn't get a response from one mum which surprised me but I didn't see her to check. On the morning of the party I got a fb message of that mum to ask if Her Ds was invited to my Ds party as he had said he was but hadn't had an invite, the invite obviously got lost somewhere between school and him getting it home! Thankfully we realised early enough to resolve it

Maybe it's best to let it go, but I can understand why it hurts. I really can't understand why someone-mother or son- would deliberately exclude a friend from a party. Especially one who appears to be a good, solid friend of some years' standing.

At age,dd would normally share a party with a classmate and NO-ONE would be excluded, even the less well-behaved kids, or the ones the hosts weren't particularly friendly with.

I'm quite angry on your behalf.

I am sorry this has happened to you and your little boy - it is shitty isn't it?

My DD is in her mid twenties - she has global delay and autism.

When she was at primary school we invited every child in her class to a party at the newly opened soft play centre.

Not one child turned up.... I learned later a couple of girls ripped up their invites infront of her

Ok we didn't get any RSVPs ( I should've in hindsight checked with parents) but I was working full time etc etc
We rang all our neighbours who weren't there at the centre already and organised a mass exodus of the local kids ( with parents permissions obv) from the lane to the centre - I was a fab party!

In all the years at school she never had an invite from her primary school friends - but we made up for it with family and friends.

Then when she went to her special high school she had a party nearly every bloody week!

Good for you OP.

My Dd is neurotypical and apparently very well liked at school. But the same thing happened to her last month. Photos of the party of a girl who Dd is very good friends with plus all of her friendship group there all over Facebook.

Several minutes were spent fantasising about burning her (actually rather nice) mother as a witch.

But I choose to blame cock up over conspiracy. Maybe the girls just were not as close on the particular day she was doing the invitations. Maybe the invite did get lost. (Although mum never chased me so unlikely.) Maybe I have mis-understood the friendship group. Maybe she just got forgotten.

I know last year the night before dd's party she was in floods of tears as she realised she had not invited "Lucy" and she really really wanted Lucy there. With me sighing and saying "never mind - you can invite Lucy next year."

And we won't even mention the time she wanted to invite "Isobelle" in the year above as she had been at nursery with her. Cue a lovely child called Isobelle turning up, playing beautifully with everyone and me making a comment to Isobelle's mum about nursery and Isobelle's mum looking at me blankly. I do hope the "real" Isabelle's mum isn't sticking pins in a doll of me.......

Wonderous what little shits. Sounds like your daughter ran rings around them all once she got to the nicer school though

ds had a party recently and because we have two cars we managed to take all of ds's main friendship group to an activity in the nearest city, then take them for something to eat elsewhere.

Its his best friend's birthday next month and his friend is desperate to do the same activity for his birthday, he doesn't want a gift just wants do this activity. His parents only have one car so can only fit in 3 out of the 5 friends, ideally for them is they take 3 friends but feel the pressure that all 5 in the group must be taken to the point they are thinking of hiring a seven seater car over and above the cost of the activity (£17/head) and the meal.

I've said they can leave ds out its not a problem and while ds would want to go he would understand and we could do something with birthday boy another day, but ds is currently the best friend so birthday boy wants him there.

I've offered to drive even though it means I'll be sitting around in my car for 2 hours at the activity and then another hour or so at the meal, they've thanked me for the offer but refused as they think its not fair for me to sit around all day. I've suggested a cheap birthday (cinema) and then do the activity as an extra with just 3 boys, but they worry whatever 2 boys don't go will still feel excluded and their ds really wants the activity for his birthday.

Its madness, instead of thinking this is what their ds wants do and just organise it, they have to think if someone else going to get upset. They should be able to take just 3 if that's all they can fit in their car and the dc need to learn when the group if quite big you don't always get invited to every day out, every sleepover, every opening of a crisp packet.

Ah Bookeatingboy, I could have written your post last week. My shy dd (9) was the only girl in her (small) class not to be invited to a birthday sleepover. The other girls discussed it excitedly all week in front of her as well. When one girl couldn't make it, she kindly suggested that birthday girl invite dd as she realised she wasn't originally invited. Birthday girl said in front of dd - 'nah I'll invite so and so from the other class'. Dd was really really devastated all week. I had to hide one night and have a good sob in the loo. to you op.

DS was in a mixed year group class,he had a group of best friends in the year below him and wasn't particularly friendly with any of the boys in his own year group .Some parties of his gang of friends he never got asked to - it seemed to be that the Mums asked the year group rather than the friendship group. It made me but DS didn't seem bothered,and I knew that he was happy with the group.

At the moment I am reading a book about how, if you can teach your dc not to expect that every single thing will go their way in life, you are doing them a massive favour in terms of self reliance, personal strength, optimism, coping with depression etc.

It all makes great sense to me. I have friends who never ever want their children to feel let down. But that is dangerous for the future, surely? and unrealistic?

Since some of you suggested that their friendship might not be as tight as I believed so it got me thinking this might be true, so I spoke with ds's dtb tonight (they have separate rooms).

He is very mature for his age and in general can be relied upon to keep me up to date with how ds is coping in school etc. I asked him about ds's friendships and immediately he said that ds always plays with party boy and one other boy, he said they are like the three musketeers, which made me chuckle as this is what I call them. Incidentally CT refers to the 3 of them as the "super sports team" since they are very sporty. She would certainly tell me if their were friendship issues. I don't believe for one second that party boy would not want ds at his party.

Hopefully this goes some way to explains why I was so hurt and confused by this. His parents don't do school runs and I'm much older that mum so we don't see each other socially. We say Hi and chat when we do though.

Anyway as I said I will let it go... I've written her a letter which I'm not sending but now feels much better

bibbity I'm more than happy for my dc to experience all parts of life... good and bad. We are very open with both of them. This was more about my disappointment with party boys parents which I would never discuss with him.