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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

201 replies

Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 15:52

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

OP posts:
notagiraffe · 21/02/2016 17:44

This happened to ASD dS2 all the time. Everyone was happy to come to ours for sleepovers, tea, parties but never a return invitation. I used to feel so hurt about it. In the end I only cared about DS so continued inviting the people he thought were his friends for his sake, but I can barely say hello to the lovely mothers who couldn't bring themselves to let him sit through a film and eat a slice of pizza with his friends. Incidently he is a very placid ASD child. No tantrums. On the quiet side. A bit odd and socially not quite like the rest but not a problem at all. Even now when I think of those smug mothers I feel a rage that they could be so self centred.

Batavias · 21/02/2016 17:45

I wouldn't worry about it. They can't get asked to every party and there may be a reason that's got nothing to do with your sons ASD.

I had a very small party for DD1 when she was young (maybe 5 or 6) and there were twins in her class with SN. I couldn't invite them as they were often physically violent to my tiny DD even when their Mum was about. I made sure I only invited a few of the girls in the class and swore them all to secrecy. I certainly didn't post anything on Facebook.

ILoveACornishPasty · 21/02/2016 17:47

I'm going to go against the grain here as I think it will just eat you up. I would ask, but just say it's not problem, you just wanted to make sure hey hadn't had a falling out you had missed or that he hasn't done anything wrong/naughty or whatever. Be prepared for a truthful answer though!! If the boys have been this close for so long, are you not also close with the mums?

FunkyPeacock · 21/02/2016 17:51

It is understandable that you are upset but I absolutely would not say anything to the Mum about it

Pontytidy · 21/02/2016 17:51

Children and parents make decisions all the time which we might not agree with or know the reasoning behind them - that is their prerogative. Parties re notorious for offending moslty unintentionally, nevertheless it is the birthday child/family decision, I do not think they need to justifit their decision

blobbityblob · 21/02/2016 17:52

I think it happens to all dc from time to time. Certainly does with mine. I find my dc are less upset by it than I am. You'd drive yourself mad trying to work out why.

ChoudeBruxelles · 21/02/2016 17:56

Maybe there was only room for a few children. Maybe they didn't think your ds would like what they were doing. Maybe they didn't feel like inviting your ds without inviting his brother. Maybe they had fallen out when the invites were sent out. Maybe it has nothing to do with your son having asd.

You can't expect to be invited to everything

sykadelic · 21/02/2016 17:56

I would ask, but I would ask in a non-accusatory, but direct, way: "In planning for DTB's birthday party I saw that your DS had a party last [month] and my DS wasn't invited. Is there something going on with their friendship, friendship group or DS's behaviour that I'm not aware of?"

If she looks genuinely shocked and says something like: "You didn't reply to the invite so I was wondering the same" you know it was a misunderstanding.

If she looks panicked and tries to splutter out a response, you know it was intentional.

But, in the first instance you'd still invite her DS, in the second... would you? It's not necessarily fair to exclude her DS because of a choice the mother made, and it's not necessarily fair to your DS to start altering his friendship dynamic by making a big deal about it... so have a response ready to soften the blow and advise her that you will still be inviting her DS (if that's what you're going to do).

DinosaursRoar · 21/02/2016 17:56

OP - were there just those 6 boys at the party, or were there others? Assuming the 6 included the birthday boy, could the parents have offered say, 5 invites without thinking that involved leaving one of the group out, although that is a bit thoughtless if they are normally a group of 7.

If there were others at the party as well, it could be that while you see it as a group of 7, the birthday boy has considerably more than 6 friends (particulalry when out of school clubs are included) and so was given a limited number, leaving out several school friends, not just your DS.

There has been a case in DS's class recently, year 1. DS is in a group of 4 who play a lot together. one of the other boys had a party recently and one of that group wasn't invited, even though it was a party for around 20 children. However, the one left out is a girl, the parents of the birthday boy did a "boys from the class plus friends from football club" - without really thinking about who was their DS's friends. (there's been a few "all the boys/girls" parties recently, keeps numbers down but doesn't really acknowledge lots aren't just friends with DCs of the same sex).

Basically, it might not be a delibrate decision because they didn't want your DS there, because he has ASD or other reasons, but just an oversight.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 21/02/2016 17:57

Maybe the children aren't as close as you think? You don't appear to be friends with the mum, socialise etc so maybe it's just down to that.

People do invites based on all sorts of things. Six out of a class of thirty is fine, 29 not.

Owllady · 21/02/2016 17:57

Mark her on your spreadsheet as a nobber

Bearbehind · 21/02/2016 17:58

I don't understand why you've autmatically assumed that this situation is a result of your DS SN.

There's lots of reasons why children don't get invited to parties.

If these boys are so close, didn't you wonder, at the time of this child's birthday, what was happening- did you send a card/ present? Were you away the weekend of the party?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 21/02/2016 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesprouts · 21/02/2016 18:00

My ds3 never gets invited to any parties from his school friends it used to hurt me but I don't care anymore.

Greengardenpixie · 21/02/2016 18:02

You could text and say, was writing invitations for ds party and happened to be on facebook and noticed that her ds had had a party. Then say I didnt realise it was his birthday and was worried that your ds had been invited but just to let you know he hadn't brought the invite home. Then say casually, thought I'd text to let you know that my ds is having a party and just to let you know to look out for an invite in his bag. [ or something like that]

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 18:02

And maybe some people should read my replies before posting Confused

I guess none of you know these parents and I do so am in a better position to join the dots.

I do appreciate that I might be wrong... just struggling to think of a valid reason that would exclude one child from a group of 7 friends.

School policy is that invites are discreetly put in book bags by TA so no it didn't go missing.

And for those saying "that's life" I believe I've already said that they (dts's) often get invited to different parties and that's always been fine.

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 21/02/2016 18:03

TA's can make mistakes and children can take things out of book bags! It is possible.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2016 18:05

Reading your posts that sounds shit, and does sound like it could well be because he has ASD, mums can be as bad as school children, even at this age, engineer invites. Has he been invited to this boys party before, or ever? What are you going to do about your ds party? I would be tempted to leave this boy out, but I could not, especially if that is who your ds wants. I would not ask the mum, but mabey leave a comment on her pictures, oh nice photos, glad friend had a good party.

squiggleirl · 21/02/2016 18:06

I'm not entirely sure what you expected out of this thread.

People have offered explanations for why your DS might not have been invited (many of which are very valid), and how you saying anything won't make things different for your DS.

If you feel your in a better position to join the dots, then do so.

However, I think you need to look to your DS at how to handle this. These are his friends, and it is about him cultivating and preserving friendships that needs to be the priority, not your hurt.

Bearbehind · 21/02/2016 18:07

OP, it really does sound like your son and these boys aren't the 'musketeers' you think they are.

For the life of me, I can see no other explanation for the fact you've only learned of this party several months after the event.

Let it go.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2016 18:08

greengarden dd has ASD disclaimer, not all children exhibit behaviourally who have ASD, they may come across as geeky, odd, different, which may set them apart from their peers. Kids can be cruel, even if some wear glasses or have ginger hair, they can be bullied or excluded.

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 18:09

And for those saying "how could it be because of his ASD when his behaviour is not an issue"

Because people make assumptions all the time about ASD... without bothering to actually speak to parents.

I go to a SN's swimming club, there are children with all different types of SN's and disabilities and we are the most open and honest bunch of parents you could meet. We are always asking each other about their child's condition and how it affects them. I would rather be informed than make assumptions.

OP posts:
SmellTheGlove · 21/02/2016 18:09

I had a similar situation and it really hurts, I sympathise. I didn't say anything to the mum, and even though we were never particularly good friends I don't go out of my way to talk to her now. Because yes, her child has the right to invite who she wants, but shouldn't she also realise that sometimes you have to be kind, or diplomatic, or generous or in fact just plain nice. I have sometimes had to 'encourage' DS to include somebody who may not have been in his 'top 5' but who has invited DS to his party previously or who I know would really appreciate it because they don't often get included in things. I don't think it's such a terrible thing for children to learn to be a little bit more inclusive.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 18:10

Well then if you are so convinced and in a better position as you say to know that's the exact reason, then what are you looking for from this thread. People have offered other plausible reasons which you are certain couldn't be possible. Go ahead and ask because you clearly want to. It's not a right That your ds gets invited and going now to ask for reasons as if you are owed is just rude. Your ds isn't bothered so go with that.

Zariyah · 21/02/2016 18:10

Of course it stings when your child is left out but you're assuming your DS was excluded due to the additional needs. You said he doesn't have any behavioural issues, so I don't see why you've jumped to this conclusion. Nothing you've said has suggested that he was obviously excluded. I have a son around the age of yours with special needs, so I am not clueless but YABU.

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