To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

[Bookeatingboy]

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

No don't ask - you'll come across as strange and it won't change things for your DS.

I have a DS with ASD so I understand why you feel upset. I felt sad so many times for DS in similar situations.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it is likely DS will receive less invites and he is likely to have less friends than other children. I'm trying to prepare myself for it. My DS is happy - it is me that worries more than him. Who knows how it will work out in the end.

Having a twin is amazing for your DS - he hopefully has a friend for life. My DS has a little brother and they get on so well and do a huge amount together.

Op it could be possible that the boys fell our before the party, and party boy decided he didn't want ds there, and they made up after?
Anyway it's months later and your ds hasn't mentioned it, so I would just leave it. At this age kids usually pick who they want to invite anyway.

The other mum could have perfectly reasonably panicked, thinking she could not handle all the kids.
So just leave one out?

it's not done maliciously Disability discrimination is often not malicious, that doesn't make it right.

I remember one of DS' parties was going to be at a soft play place, one of his friends had just returned to school following a long absence for cancer treatment, he was very ill and was by then a wheelchair user, I invited him anyway and asked the Mum to give me a call having checked with the venue.

The lad came and the soft play owner carried him up the stairs to the party room, he became a bit overwrought and tearful but his Mum was so pleased he'd been invited, it would have been a lot easier not to but that's not the example I would give my DS and not the way I would treat anyone who is 'different'.

Children at that age decide who they want and often change friends who knows why it's their choice and whilst it is hard for all chldren who are not invited but think they were close friends it is something that happens.

I would never exclude a child from a party because I thought they might act up - i would talk to the parent and ask them to come along just in case.

I would make an extra effort to include a child with SN as I know how it feels to have a child who is overlooked.

I want to teach my children to be kind and inclusive - rather than just letting them invite all the children except the one with SN if that is their choice.

Any of us could end up on the 'outside' at any stage depending on our circumstances or what happens to us.

SauvignonBlanche I didn't say it was right, it just happens. Unless you reassure the other parents, it will keep happening.

I am sorry, but if I believe a kid is likely to disrupt one of my kids party, he won't get invited, regardless of the reason why the kid misbehave. I mean a child who throw things around, hurts kids, scream and basically make life difficult for others. My priority is my kids.

The little boy from your story is completely different. We have a little friend who is tube-fed, I am not aware of him being kept away from any party. His mum is just asked to help because people do not know how to handle his feed and do not want to hurt him.

If you take the kids to go-ape, sadly you won't be able to invite someone in a wheelchair. It is unfair, but what's the poor lad going to do? Watch the others having fun from the ground? He wouldn't be a disturbance at all, it just sounds terribly cruel for him. I am not stopping my kids to climb trees just because someone is unable to follow.

Just to be clear... as it would appear that some on this thread think ASD always = behavioural issues. No it doesn't.

DS does not have behavioural issues, CT often uses ds as an example of good behaviour to other dc in class.

Party boy seeks ds out every morning to play with. They have been tight friends since reception. There have been no fallings out... ds is very open with me. He tell me everything!

If this was a case of mum/dad not knowing how ds would be at party, them shame on them for deciding to exclude rather than ask me.

I can see you are all trying to offer explanations as to why he wasn't invited but frankly none of them wash with me.

They are a group of 7 boys who have been tight since reception and 6 were invited and one wasn't. I wouldn't do this.

As some of you say, I will look like a loon, but sometimes you have to make a stand for what's right... no?

In this case...no.

If the mum was unkind enough to deliberately exclude your son, do you think she'd tell you the truth?

Did your DS mention not being invited to the party at the time?

Book, will it actually help? What answer from the Mum would make you feel better? She might say she forgot (still hurtful), she might say her DS didn't want your son at his party (still hurtful). She might feel pressured to invite him in the future - and you'll always wonder if your DS was only invited because you questioned it.

I'm not having a go, I was that kid. I've got ASD myself! I'm just wondering if it will actually help you at all to question her about it.

maybe,

but he'll probably be even less likely to be invited in future if you challenge them and make a big stink about it.

It'll backfire for you

Not everyone gets invited to everything. my DC have been left out.

It's life.

Maybe the invite got lost or left in a tray.

Maybe numbers were limited and party mum couldn't invite thrm all.

If your DS has model behaviour, then thinking he was left out due to SEN doesn't tally.

You risk her pulling her child away from yours if you accuse her of leaving him out due to discrimination.

It's a free world, party invites are not a given right.

You will look like a loon because you can't demand that your DS is invited to parties. It's unfair on the surface but how is demanding an answer making a stand for what's right?

It isn't right to dictate to people who they invite to DCs' parties. Maybe her DS just doesn't like your DS any more - it happens.

I completely understand how you feel. Last year I was in tears over a similar situation.
Ds1 has aspergers and didn't get invited to a single party last year in year 3 although in infants had always been invited to parties and some play dates. We invited a friend for a play date as they got on great (had been friends since Playschool) andh En the next week I saw on Facebook this boys party with ally e other boys except DS. It really upset me but I think it's best not to say anything.

"Hi, mean mum - ds is handing out invites today. I know my ds wasn't invited to your party recently with the others bso I just want to check that all is ok with them "

Were they definitely pics from that boy's party and not him attending someone else's party?

I would have to ask. Are you sure there wasn't an invitation overlooked in a book bag?

I would be hurt if they were close and my ds was the only one left out. My ds would be hurt also. There is nothing much you can do really. You could decide not to invite him but that would hurt your son and the little boy so don't think that is the way forward. I would hold my head up high, rise above it and just do the invites. If i got a chance to talk to the mum, I would mention the party for her ds in a matter of fact way and see how she reacts.

The thing is, this does happen and excluding your DS because he has ASD is only one of any number of reasons he might not have brought home an invitation.

It stings every time your child is left out of something, and it's something you get used to as there are 30ish children in a class and at this age most people don't invite everyone.

I really don't think asking is a good idea. If, and it's a big if, there's a deep-seated reason your DS wasn't invited, I don't think you'll get the truth anyway.

So if his behaviour is so good that he's used as and example then why would you think his SN is the reason. It doesn't seem like it is but you are insistent that it's the only reason .

Anyone who excludes just one child is a twat. If the one excluded child just happens to have SEN then they're clearly a fuckwit. Trying to negotiate or reason with fuckwits never goes well OP.

I occasionly see the parents that kindly excluded my DS, purely on the grounds of his SEN. It was 10 years ago and I still think badly of them but I never said anything and don't regret that, they'd only have come up with some mealy-mouthed excuse despite their DS telling mine the truth.

You'll never forget it and may not be able to forgive them but you've nothing to gain by pursuing such an obvious fuckwit.

As some of you say, I will look like a loon, but sometimes you have to make a stand for what's right... no?

I see what you are saying, but no.

There is nothing that the friend's mum could say that would make this right. She can't fix it now. You'd just upset or annoy her - and whilst you might feel that is justified, as you are upset and annoyed that your son wasn't invited, and that's fair enough - it won't help your son. It could well be the wedge that isolates him a bit more.

I would try my hardest to move on from it and be the bigger person. I would still invite them to his party, because there does tend to be a degree of reciprocity in these things, and I'd do my best to support and encourage the friendship between the six. It sucks, but that's the best thing for your son.

I can absolutely understand wanting to know why, but I don't think they'd ever tell you the truth anyway. There's literally nothing that they could say to explain this.

Are you going to invite the boy to your DS' party? If so then I think you could legitimately have a chat with the DM saying you were going to invite her DS but just wanted to check whether there was an issue with the boys or not because you noticed your DS wasn't invited to her DS' party.

As a PP said, you're not going to get a response that makes you happy. But it's up to you if you feel you want to raise the issue. Just be clear about what you would say and what you are hoping to achieve. The other parent may not respond how you want her to, and you need to be sure you're not going to over-react if she tells you there is an issue with your DS.

Anyone who excludes just one child is a twat.

So if that child is a horrid bully who traumatized your child he still gets an invite?