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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:37

Missing out*

OP posts:
BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 11/02/2016 07:40

she will grow up with more problems if you stay with an abusive man. she will probably follow the cycle and put up with abuse when she is older. she will be vulnerable to abuse herself as she has seen it as the normal model of behaviour.

she will be a lot happier growing up in a home which is calm and loving with only one parent.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/02/2016 07:40

She'll be missing out on having a good dad - but no dad is preferable to an abusive one - every time

acasualobserver · 11/02/2016 07:40

If leaving is the lesser of two evils, and it sounds as if that's the case, then you should leave.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 11/02/2016 07:41

I stayed with my abusive dh for my childrens sake.

The problems they have because of him are awful, the things they have seen and heard, a lot of which was unknown to me, I thought they were asleep and I was protecting them.

They no longer see him at all and I wish I had left many years ago when I see what their life is now.

Please contact womens aid and have a chat with them.

Katenka · 11/02/2016 07:41

She will grow up with far more problems growing up with an abusive parent.

Any parent (mothers or fathers) only do any good if they are decent people.

bearleftmonkeyright · 11/02/2016 07:42

I wish you well. Leaving is the right thing for you and your daughter Flowers

BlueMoonRising · 11/02/2016 07:42

YABU.

A child will be much better off in a happy home than in an abusive one, regardless of how many birth parents are present.

I know happy, well-adjusted children brought up with a single mother and brought up with a step-dad.

Stability and love are what children need, not abusive parents.

megletthesecond · 11/02/2016 07:43

No dad is better than an abusive shitty dad. I count my blessings XP is long gone, no hassle, abuse or upheaval for the dc's. It's bloody hard being a working but it would be worse if he showed up.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 07:43

She will grow up with way more issues if you stay with an abusive man.

I don't have (much) of a Dad around. My mum did an excellent job of bringing up my three siblings and I - all did v well academically, decent jobs etc etc. Happy, on balance!

I have worked in dv and trust me the children who have witnessed abuse come off far worse.

bandito · 11/02/2016 07:45

Children do not need an abusive father in order to thrive. You may find that 'really knowing her father' causes more harm than good and she is unlikely to thank you for your sacrifice once she is old enough to comprehend what is going on in the house. I am really sorry you're even having to contemplate this but please try to get help now. It won't get any easier.

museumum · 11/02/2016 07:46

Having a loving biological dad is a blessing in life.

However I have no doubt that having an abusive or disinterested dad is worse than no dad.

Fathers do have a powerful influence on children. When that influence is negative the children need protected from it.

flanjabelle · 11/02/2016 07:48

No way. Children thrive in a loving, stable environment, whether that is with one parent or two.

Growing up with parents in an abusive relationship is unstable, frightening, confusing and damaging. The main role models they have are their parents, so they learn to accept unhealthy relationships as the norm. They learn that they are not worth enough to be in a stable loving home and that they dont deserve to be treated with love and respect.

In contrast, in a single parent home with a loving and consistent parent, they learn how to be strong alone, they learn that they are better off alone than being treated like shit, they see a parent putting them first and keeping them safe because they are worth it. They learn about loving relationships by seeing their parent treating them with love and care.

I know which I would choose. Good luck op.

Sirzy · 11/02/2016 07:51

Children need love and security. They need to come home from school knowing they are going somewhere safe.

How that household is made up is largely irrelevant as long as it gives the child a safe, secure loving home.

Living in an abusive environment is much more likely to create lifelong problems for w child.

RubyChewsDay · 11/02/2016 07:52

Shes 100% better off in a safe and secure home, feeling loved and valued, than witnessing abuse.

( I used to dread coming home from school, not knowing how abusive my drunk mum would be )

Imagine your DD not wanting to come home because of dad shouting. Sad

Do it for you and your DD please.

Muskateersmummy · 11/02/2016 07:53

Agree with the above. No dad is better than an abusive one. who knows in time you might meet someone new who treats you right and can be her male role model or maybe not and she will have other paternal figures in her life, a close male friend of yours, your father. Having a dad isn't the end of the world.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/02/2016 07:54

No dad is better than an abusive one, by miles. If you leave you may in fact have a chance of happiness somewhere down the line when you feel able. A father does not need to be biological to do a good job and love his children and while I'm sure future relationships is the last thing on your mind, this is something to have at the back of your mind as you find the strength to leave. You deserve better. Your dd deserves better. Flowers

DH's 'sperm donor' walked out on him as a child, never to be seen again. His mother remarried a wonderful man who stuck by dh and sil through thick and thin. He's their dad.

But plenty of women raise perfectly happy, well adjusted children who turn into happy, balanced, good adults, on their own. The key ingredient is love.

JapanNextYear · 11/02/2016 07:54

Dad died when I was 7, mum brought us all up on her own. No more screwed up than anyone else.

Friend grew up with abusive dad and scared mother. She is proper screwed up.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/02/2016 07:55

there will be more problems if you stay. you will be teaching your baby what to accept amd what to not accept in a relationship. if they see you treated badly they will grow up thinking that's normal and accept the same.

don't stay because of the misguided notion that an abusive father is better than no father. it's not.and I wish you all the strength and determination in the world.

Flowers
Baconyum · 11/02/2016 07:56

Numerous studies also show that children raised in an abusive environment are more likely to develop mental illness.

I was raised in an abusive home I am certain I'd have been better off with no dad especially as I have several friends/relatives who didn't have their father's in their lives for lots of different reasons and they are happy and stable.

cosmicglittergirl · 11/02/2016 07:57

My husband has never met his father, he's a kind and loyal man who has done very well socially and academically. An abusive parent is never the better option.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2016 07:57

OP it is better to have no father, than a crap abusive one, who damages the children by their behaviour.

Chicagomd · 11/02/2016 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 11/02/2016 07:58

I would have thrived much better if my mum had left my dad when I was a baby.

I had to put up with an abusive arse of a father for 14 years, then he dumped me completely when my mum left him. Now that caused issues.

Thanks
Adeleslostbeehive · 11/02/2016 08:00

There is evidence that on a population level children of single parents don't perform as well as children from couples.

That statistic didn't include children who grow up witnessing abuse in the household, who I would imagine fare pretty much worse then anyone else.
Surely you'd rather have the least poor outcome? You can't compare your situation to a happy couple with 2.4 kids and a Volvo.