To think children need a father in order to thrive?

[Jellybeam]

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

I wouldn't know my bio father if he passed me in the street but I have memories of my mum being choked beaten and her having a knife to her throat so these memories are deep rooted Ime

jellybeam theory aside, I recognise the stage where you are at now. You feel paralysed to DO anything and that's understandable given that you've just had a baby, so you are trying to order the facts around you and push them in to a schema that makes staying the right decision. Your baby is still only tiny. Do something every day for the new life you will have to make. Put some money aside. Read some good self help books. Listen to posters on mn who've stuck it out longer and still had to throw in the towel and leave in the end. Ask yourself some really tough questions. I went to psychotherapy and I thought I could vent about my X, instead, she asked me ''why did you tolerate it?'' ''Why did you stay?'' "why did you think that's all you were worth?''.

At the moment all you can face is mental pros and cons in your head, but get ready for the day when you will feel strong enough to take ACTION about this situation. Line up your ducks and get ready financially.

An abusive parent gives lifelong problems which carry on being passed on down through future generations - she will more likely be a victim of abuse herself, as will her own children.

Stop the abuse now. Get some counselling. Get yourself onto the freedom programme. Learn to be strong and self confident, so you dont NEED a man in your life. That is the best you can do for her.

When you dont NEED a man you are more likely to find a decent partner with whom you can have a decent relationship, who adds positivity and support, and who can be the sort of dad that your daughter can look up to

My parents divorced when I was 18 months old. I then had the most wonderful step-dad. I really did have a very happy childhood and I've turned into a happy, well adjusted adult.
There can be no positives from staying in an abusive relationship! Please leave for your daughters sake. If not, she'll grow up thinking that it's normal to be abused by your partner.

In an ideal world all children would have 2 loving perfect parents and 2 sets of doting wonderful grandparents.
How many kids really have this? Mine have one hands on grandmother one dead grandfather and 2 couldn't care less.
Your child is better off without the abusive parent in her life. None of us can have the perfect set up you do the best you can. Even perfect family's still have problems so don't over think it x

Please please please don't stay with him, you said you know she'll have more issues if he stays?! My mum was awful to me and I lived with my dad, I would have been far better of if she just left me as a baby when I knew nothing. Ignorance is bliss, leave him!!!

I left an abusive man,13 years ago and have reared my kids alone,they have very little contact with their dad.
They are fine,really fine,we all are, they do well in school are pleasant mostly nice teenagers with lots of great dreams for the future.
I have a good career and we have forged together a great life,first you survive and then you will thrive.
There is a very strong narrative out there that children are always better with their dad,I believed this and always pusdhed for a relationship the kids have now chosen not to continue this relationship as he is damaging.You very rarely hear about families like mine who function are happy and don't have a dad.
I have a wonderful dad and wish my kids had,but they don't and you have to deal with the hand you are dealt.
You too will survive and then thrive.It can be done x

Ds1 doesn't know his biological father. He didn't want to be involved in his life. My husband has been his father since he was 5 months old. He knows dh didn't make him, but he's the one who looks after him. That's worth a hell of a lot to a child. Worth much more than staying with an abusive partner.

Unfortunately, all of the men in my life (Dad, stepdad, brother) have been abusive in some way. I don't know anyone within my family that has a loving, good relationship.

This has affected how I see men and I doubt I'd ever have a relationship with a man. I'm considering using a sperm donor and raising a child alone, one of my concerns is the lack of male role model.

If I'm lucky enough to conceive (I have gyne issues), and if I have a son, I wil do everything I can to make his childhood a happy one, he will be very loved. I hope it's enough and I hope that he will grow into the kind of man I wish I had in my life.

I grew up with a violently abusive stepfather and a very scared mother. It ended when I was 13 when he went too far and she left him, but that was plenty of time to cause a lot of damage; emotionally, physically and psychologically. I was a strong and feisty little girl in order to survive but afterwards my mother spiralled out of control and we are now estranged, I'm still struggling to face and understand what happened to me - I hear my mother is now doing pretty well but he ruined a large part of her life and I have no good childhood memories.
On the surface I'm a pretty normal happy person but inside I feel more broken the older I get. I have spent my life angry, depressed and confused, I suffer from anxiety attacks and paranoia. I read once that the effect of a violent home on a childs brain is the same as a grown man in a warzone.

In short leave him, the only thing a child needs is love and support, it doesn't matter in the slightest where that comes from. Be that a mum and dad, two mums or two dads, or a single mum or single dad. A lovely childhood is a lovely childhood, good parents are good parents.

Side question: To those who have been through something similar growing up, did you find it a struggle when it came to bringing your own children up? I do not necessarily worry about being a bad mother because of my experiences - I would do everything I could to make my child the most happiest and supported child - but the pressures I've put on myself to provide my child everything I didn't receive is terrifying? I am worried that even if I do my best I might ruin their lives anyway.

"And watching my brother with his children, I really do not believe 'fathering' is a distinct and separable skill from 'mothering' anyway, breastfeeding excluded!"
So does fathering include giving birth to children then?

"And watching my brother with his children, I really do not believe 'fathering' is a distinct and separable skill from 'mothering' anyway, breastfeeding excluded!"
Politically correct lies and bullshit that is!

Gosh, ok.

Um, no, I don't think my brother gave birth. Though god knows, from the way he tells it you'd sometimes imagine so, much to my SIL's delight (not).

But he is a good parent and I am sure the OP is equally capable of giving her child everything needed, without an abusive man in the picture.

zeeta me and Dh both have had difficult upbringing s my step dad was also abusive our children turned out just fine every parent can make mistakes no parent gets every thing just so but our DDS are well adjusted women

Zeetea- you are amazing to get through that. So unfair the lives some people have :(

"I really do not believe 'fathering' is a distinct and separable skill from 'mothering' anyway,"
If you concede that, then you have given into the Marxist project. One of the causes of the social and moral crisis of our society is the lack of fatherly input. This can come from uncles or stepfathers or grandads if the father is abusive and feckless, but children need a male role model which fulfills a distinct role to that of the mother.

I'm sorry, but what utter nonsense!

The OP will be fine - and best of luck to her.

Quite frankly, screw your view. My dad fucked off before I was born.

Phd, successful rugby player, own two event horses whom I've trained and competed myself, and been in a loving, supportive relationship for 10 years. And we own a house plus a buy to let flat (although I appreciate that financial security isn't the be all and end all).

My half brothers, with whom I've recently got back into contact after decades, and who had the benefit of my dad being around - one was arrested for beating his girlfriend and mother of his kid, the other runs a bar but has a raging cocaine habit (as in nose damaging levels). I quickly abandoned contact, with the happy realisation that I was far better off keeping my dad out of my life.

And if grandfathers are dead and if uncles cannot be found?

It isn't enough to brightly state someone else can fill into that role. Either you believe a child needs to see someone with a penis behaving like a decent human for them to in turn behave like a decent human being. or you believe that a child just needs decent people in their life, whether they have a penis or not.

I'm in the latter camp.

You repping fathers4justice, Solomon?

Children need good caregivers. Caregivers who will meet their basic needs, love them, nurture them, protect them, support them to become independent. The caregiver's gender is irrelevant.

"It isn't enough to brightly state someone else can fill into that role. Either you believe a child needs to see someone with a penis behaving like a decent human for them to in turn behave like a decent human being. or you believe that a child just needs decent people in their life, whether they have a penis or not. "
Mindless rubbish, can't expect any less from MN. No wonder men don't know how to behave like men anymore. Society has been feminised to a ridiculous degree. Women acting like men as well, which is equally as hideous.

but children need a male role model which fulfills a distinct role to that of the mother.

What exactly is that role? Specifically? What is it that fathers teach or demonstrate that mothers don't? And vice-versa?

Women acting like men as well, which is equally as hideous.

I wasn't aware that men acted hideously in general.