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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 11/02/2016 09:25

Yabu. It's a living stable environment children need in order to thrive and they won't have that sharing their home with an abusive person.

Do you have anyone to talk to? Any friends or family who could help

RubyRoseViolet · 11/02/2016 09:28

We are gay mums to Dd aged 13. She is a gorgeous, happy (if rather hormonal!) teenager. She knows her dad who was a donor/friend and sees him occasionally but doesn't have a "dad" type relationship.

She says frequently that she has everything she needs here with her other mum and me. We are the house where all her friends like to come and stay and, shameless boast, Dd recently told us that her friends voted us as the nicest parents they know! Sorry to go on but it thrilled me!

Dw otoh grew up with a horrible dad who was emotionally and physically abusive to her and her mum. She is an amazing person but has suffered greatly because of this toxic start in life.

It is about the quality of the parent (s) not the gender that matters. Anyway, your Dd will know her dad. Even if you leave I guess she will have some contact at some time. Please don't stay in an abusive relationship.

fourkids · 11/02/2016 09:30

I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

This is the thing you focus on. Life isn't perfect. It's full of choices and compromises. You weigh up the pros and cons and make the best, or at the very least, the least worst decision.

Flowerpower41 · 11/02/2016 09:34

Many people manage without even so much as having met their biological father.

Better one good parent than two in an unhappy and often abusive relationship.

Flowerpower41 · 11/02/2016 09:35

Trust me you don't want children in an abusive environment it will only affect their behaviour/school etc.

Slummamumma · 11/02/2016 09:35

Please leave him. Staying is not going to do either of you any good and she will thrive much better with you on your own than to witness abuse. He will not stop and the more he gets away with the worse it will be. Protect the both of you and go. Good advice to speak to your HV or any advice line on domestic abuse and get a plan together ASAP. You will be able to cope and you are strong enough. Good luck OP Flowers

PaulAnkaTheDog · 11/02/2016 09:36

Nonsense. Ds father died when he was a baby, his grandfathers and uncles have stepped up to be male role models. He has turned into a wonderful boy, who I am frequently complimented on due to his intelligence and lovely demeanour.

Staying in an abusive relationship will never help your child, the only effect will be a negative one.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2016 09:41

A GOOD father can enhance a child's life.
But an abusive wanker is neither use nor ornament, and is more likely to do harm than good to a child.

YABU to consider that any sperm donor is better than no regular man in your child's life - that's just ridiculous. I don't know the stats, but there are enough horror stories in the press of children being murdered by their own fathers (way more than mothers, although that happens too), often to "get back" at the mother.

Thriving is growing up happy and well-adjusted, in a secure environment - having an abusive man in the house is not going to achieve that, however hard you try and hide it.

So no, do not stay with him for the sake of your child - you'd be doing her a huge disservice. Get shot of him and show her how much of a strong woman you can be, refusing to allow abuse in her life as a regular feature.

If you get out now, while she is still so young, then her "norm" will be no father in the house - but with a secure and safe home environment. Better this than the alternative.

olliesmumm · 11/02/2016 09:47

I'd say children need "fathering" to thrive but not necessarily a biological father.

Many gay couples one person "fits" into the role of fathering and the other mothering

Many single women manage to encompass both the mother/father role into one

I personally look to my other male family members to buffer the difficulties we currently face with DS dad as I don't manage very well to balance myself in both roles

I think children only don't " thrive" when people actively seek to cut out any 'male influence' usually due to having been hurt/abused in their own relationship, and I don't mean physically male as some women are great at taking a more masculine role in the parenting relationship.

I think children thrive within balance

bibliomania · 11/02/2016 09:51

I did go through the same angst as you before I left, partly because my ex veers between Mr Nice and Mr Nasty, and Mr Nice is so delightful, I was utterly entranced by him and wanted DD to have him as her daddy. I thought if I did everything right, I could make my ex stay Mr Nice enough of the time that we could put up with the occasional appearance of Mr Nasty.

It doesn't work like that, partly because whatever you do, you can't keep someone in the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle. The second thing is that by trying, you give your dc all the wrong messages - that they need to take responsibility for the abuser's behaviour: they need to please, please, please him. You teach them that love can't be expected to be consistently kind and reliable, that it's dangerous to trust and you have to make do in relationships without it.

On the court point, yes, courts do lean in favour of contact even with problematic parents, but they don't force women back to live with husbands on the assumption that it would be better for the children. Nobody thinks that would be a good idea.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 11/02/2016 09:55

Mom left my abusive dad - the freedom was wonderful -

I would say there are more single parents about today so kids don't feel that they are "different"

SatsukiKusakabe · 11/02/2016 09:58

Ideally, a child would have two loving and involved parents, and loving and involved grandparents and supportive friendships, and great role models of both sexes all around.

What they need is a safe home, and at least one parent who is loving, nurturing, and doing their best. An abusive parent is doing nowhere near their best. A child will not thrive in an abusive, tension-filled home. You can provide everything your child needs; have faith in yourself. If your dd's father is not able to fulfil his role properly, that is sad, but not your fault, and not your responsibility to try and control. It is your responsibility to fulfil your role as a mother, and that includes providing a secure home, free from violence.

I know how hard it is in these type of relationships, your self esteem takes such a battering it is difficult to feel you can break free. But you can. You can.

Damselindestress · 11/02/2016 10:02

I think it's good for a child to have strong male role models but that can be family or friends, not necessarily the bio father. In this case, your DD's bio father is a bad role model because he is abusive to you. He may also be dangerous to her too. Would you want your DD to be in a relationship like yours when she is older? Because she will learn what to expect and accept in relationships from your example. Leaving would be the best thing for both of you. Contact www.womensaid.org.uk/ for support and advice. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for the future.

jay55 · 11/02/2016 10:03

A girl needs to know there is no reason to stay in an abusive situation. Seeing her mum stay with an abusive man will lower her self worth.

seafoodeatit · 11/02/2016 10:03

Children need supportive homes with structure, boundaries, love and a good quality of life - yes this is much easier with two parents instead of one as care is shared.

I think that the reason the father is missing and the effect they've had on a child's life is important - it's key that the child doesn't feel responsible for the parent being absent or has a chaotic life as a result.

MissyMaker · 11/02/2016 10:07

My children are thriving, and their father died several years ago. Yes, we'd much prefer to have him in our lives - he was a fantastic partner and husband - but we're doing ok just the three of us.

OP, you have a choice - you can bring your child up in a loving, supportive environment - one which she can thrive in. Or you can continue with the misguided notion that any father, however abusive, is better than no father at all. It won't be easy, but you owe it to yourself and your baby to do the tint thing. Good luck. Thanks

wonkylegs · 11/02/2016 10:07

My parents stayed together many many years despite huge problems and it scarred us kids badly, we have huge issues with our childhood which at points was truly miserable - we were so relieved when they finally called it a day unfortunatly they waited until we were adults so my childhood is full of shite memories.
Kids don't need 2 parents or biological parents, what you need is stable loving parents (1/2/3 etc it doesn't matter) who give a damn and don't make your life miserable.

MrsJayy · 11/02/2016 10:09

A bad husband does not make a good dad IMO your baby growing up seeing her father being abusive towards you will have an effect on her
Many people grow up with just mother s and are fine no trouble at all I'm not sure what you have been reading/hearing but single parents can and do bring up children

MissyMaker · 11/02/2016 10:09

he was a fantastic father and husband.

MrsJayy · 11/02/2016 10:12

Dh mother brought her sons up singly in the 70s/80s dh says he wishes his father didn't have access every other weekend as he was worse than useless

Pidapie · 11/02/2016 10:14

1 or 2 good parents is better than 1 good and 1 bad. Regardless of mum/dad/ lesbian or gay couple, imo.

SuzieSheepsSister · 11/02/2016 10:16

"Many gay couples one person "fits" into the role of fathering and the other mothering"

As a lesbian parent, who also knows quite a few lesbian parents, I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about within this.

OP as everyone else has said - children need good parents, whatever form his takes. The response has been pretty unanimous.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 11/02/2016 10:21

I'm with suzie, I think that's a little bit rude, sorry.

I also think the studies of lesbian parenting prove that it's not 'fathering' children need, but just parenting. And watching my brother with his children, I really do not believe 'fathering' is a distinct and separable skill from 'mothering' anyway, breastfeeding excluded!

MrsJayy · 11/02/2016 10:24

Gay parents don't mother and father they parent and nurture

Janeymoo50 · 11/02/2016 10:26

I grew up to 9 years old without a dad, then my mum met and married the sweetest man who adopted us, changed our name and he is who I am proud to call my dad (even though he died very tragically when I was 16). I knew no different in the early years. A bad dad is far worse than no dad.

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