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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 11/02/2016 13:54

Y'know, I am currently sitting here writing an article on a fourteenth century poet and his translation of a first century writer, and they're both talking about the feminisation of society and the need for men to act like men ... and they both sound less like old-fashioned reactionary fuddy-duddies than solomon.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/02/2016 13:59

Ask yourself - do you want your daughter to live with a man like that? Not just now as a father daughter relationship but once shes an adult to have a partner who abuses her? By staying you're teaching her to accept and even expect that from a relationship.

I escaped last November. I have a 3 (almost 4yr old) DS and a just turned 1yr DD. escaping was the very best thing I could ever have done .

I thought I'd managed to protect DS well from his dads behaviour. DS seemed a happy, kind and well behaved boy but now we've been away from his dad for a few months I can see there is a massive difference in him. He is brighter, more cheeky, more energetic. Even my daughter seems even more of a little miss sunshine. Its not just me that's noticed either - all my family has.

Also abusive people never get any better they just get worse. They come up with new ways to control, new ways to hurt. My exH blamed his mental health and his diabolical upbringing. He made me feel sorry for him. I stayed for 8yrs waiting for him to change, to get better. He'd started with just flipping and hitting me every few months (usually when his mother had pissed him off). By the end his abuse was constant - he'd threaten me constantly, he'd attack me without cause, he did nothing at all at home (except hide things - including part eaten food, so it would go moldy and be hard for me to find and then clean - one of his many punishments), if I dare asked him to help me with anything he'd attack me, smash things and disappear for a few days. He would tell DS we were going somewhere nice for the day, then throw one of his tantrums and disappear just long enough to stop us going - he was furious and there was hell to pay, the once I actually still went without him, so as not to disappoint DS.

The worst part was - I always thought he could hurt our DC. I was wrong. He became extremely aggressive to DS - I had to intervene to protect DS from physical harm. Goodness knows what he could have done if I hadn't been there to protect DS - I can't bear to even think about it. That is when me and the DC fled. I had never thought he could hurt them. The reality is if they can hurt you then there will come a day when they can hurt your child - I just didn't believe it before.

When I left I was still struggling with guilt that I was wrong to leave him and should have stayed to help him "get better" but a women who'd stayed with her abusive husband for 30yrs told me how much she regretted it. She told me how she'd thought staying was the right thing to do, how she thought she was protecting her children and how her DC are grown up now and the impact it has had on them. She said if she could turn back the clock she would have left so much sooner so her DC were never exposed to it all.

This lovely woman also pointed something else out to me - what he did to me, it was never loss of control. Think about it he would never hit his boss or others and he'd never hit me in public because that wouldn't benefit him. However by hitting me behind closed doors, he got what he wanted, control.

I also wanted to say being a single mom is soooo easy in comparison to living with a dick. I have more energy, I don't feel exhausted any more, I'm happier. I'm free. When I left the relief was indescribable.

You can leave, you can be a single mother and your daughter can grow up to be a happy, well adjusted, confident woman, who will know she's worth something and deserves real love not a beating, not to be worn down by emotional abuse, not to have to wait hand and foot on a lazy dick.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 11/02/2016 13:59

I'd love to know how solomon defines 'acting like men'. What is it that us women are doing that is so hideous? I'm afraid I have no idea what acting like a man involves.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/02/2016 14:01

Correction - I always thought he couldN'T hurt our DC.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2016 14:04

Probably stuff like, y'know, speaking our minds, having the vote, being able to have a public voice, jobs out of the home where we're actually paid, allowed to go out by ourselves, have our own income, generally be independent individuals with choices?
I'm getting that vibe.

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 14:08

No. I left my abusive ex when DS was 3 months old. DS's father has been loosely in his life, but not positively. 8 years later, I became pregnant after a very short relationship (contraception/morning after pill failure) and had DD. She has never known her father.

Both my children had very happy, stable childhoods, are kind, lovely people. DS has his own business, DD is top set for everything, high achiever. I remarried when DD was 9. My DH is 'Daddy', she's taken his name and lives him very much, but she is not more secure/stable/achieving better because of that. He adds to her life because he's a lovely person.

What I would say is that as a single parent, I spent most of 18 years celibate, I didn't have partners coming in and out of our lives, it was always just us (I realise that's an unusual choice, and not what most people do). My ex was enough to put me off men for a significant amount of time - stability for my children was more important (and came from me).

ephemeralfairy · 11/02/2016 14:15

My DP never has never known his dad; who left when DP was 2 weeks old. He is a stable, successful, intelligent, funny, loving person and we have a great relationship.

It's tough OP. I know. solidarity.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 11/02/2016 14:24

Ah yes, that sounds about right, Thumb. Shame on us hideous specimens!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 11/02/2016 14:25

Better off with no father than with an abusive one.

Some people just shouldn't be parents.

My son has to see his dad every other weekend. I spend the weekend, and the days before, panicking about what might happen, because of what he did to me. I then spend the four days after DS gets home comforting him because his dad fucks with his head. He has developed an anxiety disorder which is causing him massive issues - and it only started after the court ordered this situation. He would be safer, physically, emotionally and mentally without any contact.

She won't have a father if you stay. She will have her first abuser. And those abused in childhood, in any way, are more likely to be abused for the rest of their lives.

Be brave, and get out now.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 11/02/2016 14:29

Solomon, so nice to see F4J still pop in every now and again. Flowers

You massive bellend.

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 14:37

Oh dear, Solomon.

"These women are tricked and lured in by the promise of “equality”, which eventually turns them asexual, bestial and dominant before they know it. That’s the “trap of feminism”." Grin

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 14:41

Hahahahaha!!!

And f4j wonder why they don't get taken seriously??

WannaBeAWarhol · 11/02/2016 14:48

My Dad left my Mum when she was pregnant with me. I had no idea who he was until I finally met him when I was 13, he's a complete idiot and after meeting him a couple of times I realised I missed out on nothing growing up by not having him there. I'd like to think I'm a pretty well adjusted adult and my mum did an amazing job of raising me and my older sisters without him.

My DPs parents divorced when he was about 7, him and his younger sister still recall the awful arguments and how traumatic it was! I never had to go through any of that!
No dad is definitely better than an abusive dad.

solomon2003 · 11/02/2016 14:54

"And f4j wonder why they don't get taken seriously??"
Only those brainwashed by feminism and/or political correctness don't take their message seriously. Must be nice having such a disdain for men to label them mere sperm donors.

spanky2 · 11/02/2016 14:59

My dad was in my life from when I was born until I went no contact. He is a manipulative, bitter, cruel man. He took me to an abattoir when I was three to see a cow draining in the yard, him and my mum kept a newborn me in the shed as I cried too much and played cruel mind games my whole life. I have depression and an anxiety disorder. Learn from my experience. Staying with an abuser causes more damage than no father.

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 15:00

I respect my husband totally. That is because he is not an abusive, controlling twat. Men who do not feel 'respected' need to look closer at their own behaviour and stop blaming feminism.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 15:02

Sorry Solomon, at what point did I say I view men as sperm donors? I love and adore my DP, ta very much.

If thinking abusive fathers should not have access to their children is brainwashed, then I am brainwashed and proud!

Lweji · 11/02/2016 15:06

Maybe solomon was a sperm donor because he was abusive...

MrBean · 11/02/2016 15:07

In general I think that it's important for children to have their father in their lives, hence why I don't agree with women who have children to multiple men when they aren't in stable relationships (usually were the dad leaves). BUT I could never agree that it's best for a woman to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of her children, that imo would be counter productive and the child could end up with worse issues late in life.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 15:08

But in some societies the actual father takes a secondary role, with children being raised by the proverbial village.
It's important that children have people who care about them and people who guide them.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 11/02/2016 15:16

Only those who are massive twats take F4J seriously

Fixed that sentence for you, Solomon.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 15:17

I don't agree with women who have children to multiple men when they aren't in stable relationships

You do realise that it's fairly common for women not to realise they aren't in a stable relationship until the man fucks off?

Keeptrudging · 11/02/2016 15:20

Or becomes abusive. Most women don't choose to have children with abusive men, but sadly many men become more abusive once they think they've 'got' the woman.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 11/02/2016 15:21

Solomon "Only those brainwashed by feminism and/or political correctness don't take their message seriously. Must be nice having such a disdain for men to label them mere sperm donors."

I would call an abusive mother or one who abandoned her child an egg donor, so why not an abusive or absent father a sperm donor? It that too much equality for you? Children deserve good parents whatever form that comes in - they do not deserve abuse. I think good fathers should have a really active role in their DC's life, regardless of whether they are with the mother or not. Children should be protected from abusive fathers, just like they should be from abusive mothers.

But hey what do I know I must be a brainwashed feminist. Grin