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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:
willowsummers · 11/02/2016 08:44

Believe - but there were issues there other then the lack of parent, or even lack of knowledge of identity of said parent.

I think a childhood riddled with problems of whatever nature can lead to it being tempting, even easy, to point a finger at something - lack of father, lack of mother, adoption, bereavement, divorce, instability, moving - and to believe that's where the problems stemmed from.

Loved and secure children can overcome and bounce back from these problems. Others find it harder.

timelytess · 11/02/2016 08:48

So, I was the divorced mum of a six year old when I started university. A fellow-student, an older lady, took great pleasure in telling me (and everyone else) that children with no resident father would grow up to be 'delinquents'. I think my daughter was there at the time...

Anyway, dd subsequently grew up, not a delinquent, got her degree, has many accomplishments, had good jobs, married, had a baby and is currently a sahm. Her husband is in the top 1% of earners in the UK.

The woman with the big mouth didn't get her degree. The non-resident father had two further wives, three further children and died last year.

mylaptopismylapdog · 11/02/2016 08:48

My sister stayed with an abusive alcoholic until her kids were adults and he left her for younger model.
Her 4 children do not have partners only 2 have jobs.
All have suffered depression. Only one is still in contact with him.
My Dad died when I was young I can't pretend it hasn't made a difference, I but I had a decent career, and my 2 kids have left home and seem to be OK. Having observed this I really wish she had left him when they were young.

timelytess · 11/02/2016 08:50

OP, don't stay with an abusive man. Take the first opportunity to get rid of him. I did.

aprilanne · 11/02/2016 08:56

i agree children need there father IF he is a good man not if he is abusive towards there mother she will think that is the norm and any sons will think that is how you treat women .better with one good parent than one who is a doormat and one a bully .my hubby is a bit old fashioned in his views ie women and child care but if he had ever been nasty to me or my sons i would have been away .

TheWrathofNaan · 11/02/2016 08:56

Everybody seems to be in agreement on this thread BUT this is not the opinion of the courts who believe that despite abuse children are better off having contact with their father.

Theimpossiblegirl · 11/02/2016 08:57

In an ideal world, all children would have 2 loving parents who were in a happy relationship. It's not an ideal world.

It is better to have no father in your life than a damaging one. Leave him for her sake and yours.

You also could meet someone lovely and not abusive who is man enough to step up to the role of Dad. It happens all the time.

Bungleboggs · 11/02/2016 09:01

If she has you then that's all that matters, if you have brothers, dad, uncles, male friends or any positive male role model around that's all she needs.Flowers

NewNameNowPlease · 11/02/2016 09:03

^Growing up with parents in an abusive relationship is unstable, frightening, confusing and damaging. The main role models they have are their parents, so they learn to accept unhealthy relationships as the norm.

In contrast, in a single parent home with a loving and consistent parent, they learn how to be strong alone, they learn that they are better off alone than being treated like shit, they see a parent putting them first and keeping them safe because they are worth it.^

This. Absolutely this. Flowers to you, OP

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/02/2016 09:04

On a population level, the children of lesbians do best of all, so a dad really isn't vital.

Sorry to derail the thread but does anyone have a link to this? My cousin has just had a lovely lovely little girl with her wife and her mum (my aunt) is worrying about various things. Would be great to have something to show her.

Op - as every one else says - an abusive parent gives the worst outcome.

tinyterrors · 11/02/2016 09:05

A good biological father may make a positive difference to a child. So would a good step dad, uncle, godfather or friend.

However an abusive father will do a huge amount of damage. If you stay with him you'll be teaching your dd that being abused is acceptable and what she should expect from men, should you have a ds he'll learn to treat women the way you're being treated.

My dh's father was an abusive twat to my lovely mil and dh until mil divorced him. Dh almost went off the rails, and would have done if mil hadn't married an amazing man who dh sees as his real dad.

You and your dd deserve so much better than the abusive relationship you have now.

Mia1415 · 11/02/2016 09:08

No I absolutely don't believe that a child needs a father to thrive (and I say that as someone who was incredibly close to my Dad). My DS has never met his father and he is happy, confident and thriving.

I also don't agree that you have to have positive male role models in the child's life. Yes obviously its better if you do. But not all situations are like that (I have no close male relations unfortunately) and I definitely think you'd be better off with no male role model at all than a damaging one.

Leaving a relationship can be very scary, but trust me you will feel amazing once you have come out the other side!

Good luck OP

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/02/2016 09:08

My bio father was an abusive cunt to my mother - she left when I was 3. She met someone else, a wonderful man, married him and he adopted me. Apparently my bio father is still a cunt and even his own son hates him.

So no, I don't think biological parents are automatically best for children.

And the three years of my life that she did stay with him have damaged me to this day quite badly.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/02/2016 09:11

And I know people often think the children are too young to understand but they see and understand far more than people think.

BoboChic · 11/02/2016 09:11

There is a lot of evidence that involved fathers make a significant contribution to children's well being and outcomes.

Ultimately, it's probably better to have one involved parent than one involved parent and one useless one.

LarrytheCucumber · 11/02/2016 09:11

Having a good father is very important, but having a bad one can do more harm than good.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2016 09:13

"this is not the opinion of the courts who believe that despite abuse children are better off having contact with their father."

seeing that person for limited set time may be better option than living in same house all the time; at least the impact can be mitigated.

sometimes, an abuser choses a victim so is fine with certain people and only abusive to eg the mother of his child. bullies/abusive people often have their chosen people they are fine with...

but id o think there is sometimes confusion between knowing who your father is and your identity versus having to know him and spend time with him if he is abusive.

eloquent · 11/02/2016 09:14

I grew up with both parents until my early teens. I have BPD.
My eldest has her step dad, biological dad not been on the scene for 4 years. She's much happier for it and is thriving.

You and your LO deserve to be happy.

Shantotto · 11/02/2016 09:15

You must be having an awful time of it in an abusive relationship. Please please leave make plans to leave!

I understand you are in a difficult place but this is quite an upsetting almost offensive post. I've met my Dad maybe 5 times and I am fine! No problems. There are countless single parent families with no issues. Don't believe the crap in certain areas of the media about single mum families causing problems.
It is much better to have a good single parent family then an abusive one with both.

Flowers I hope you can sort things out and have a happy future for you both.

TempusEedjit · 11/02/2016 09:17

Well of course the courts have to take the default position of allowing contact otherwise they'd have to start taking kids away from parents who are a bit crap but still together. And of course a lot of the really crap NRP's simply won't bother.

WhirlyTwos · 11/02/2016 09:18

A father is about far more than biology. A good man is important, whether stepfather, grandfather, uncle, but it would be a mistake to think she will "suffer" from not knowing the biological parent.

Lweji · 11/02/2016 09:18

In addition to what others said, separating from him doesn't necessarily mean he won't be in her life as she grows up.
He can choose to be in her life or nor.
And you staying is no guarantee that he will or that he will even pay enough attention to her.

FoxesAreFabulous · 11/02/2016 09:19

I really feel for you but one stable and loving parent is definitely good enough. My DD turns 12 next week and hasn't seen her father since she was 3. We split up when I was pregnant with her as he couldn't cope with the responsibility and although he did visit every week or two when she was very small, that didn't last for long and he pretty much stopped bothering. I believe he lives overseas now but there is no contact. My DD is the most stable, happy, well-adjusted child you could wish to meet and has never expressed any desire to either meet her father or shown any signs of feeling she has missed out on having him around.
My best friend also grew up with just her mother and never met her father, who was apparently a rather unpleasant piece of work. My friend has one of the best and most stable marriages I know and has been with her husband for over 20 years now.

I had huge doubts when my DD was small about whether I could bring her up well on my own and how that would affect her ability to form good relationships when she was older - and I can now say to you from experience that your DD will be just fine with just you : ). Don't stay with someone who will never be good for you or your DD - you both deserve better! x

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 11/02/2016 09:21

I don't know who my father is and it's never bothered me at all. The idea of "my dad" has no emotional resonance for me. And some of the stories I hear about other people's fathers make me feel I might have had a lucky escape. Of course I know people who have really lovely, sustaining relationships with their fathers (DH for one, who is in turn a really good dad), but having a feckless, neglectful or abusive parent is hugely damaging.

PovertyPain · 11/02/2016 09:22

If you stay with this abusive man, you may lose your daughter when she's old enough to leave. I have no contact with my parents. My father was an abusive bully and my passive mother did nothing to prevent him. She would actually tell us it was our fault because we had or hadn't done xyz. I still ended up in an abusive relationship, because no matter what others tell you at that age, you believe all men are abusive. I left him when he threatened my friend.

I met a wonderful man and I used to deliberately push his buttons to see WHEN not IF he hit me. He never, ever acted aggressively towards me and I was so happy with him until he passed away this year. I would gladly take the last 25 yrs with my wonderful husband than a lifetime with a bully.