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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think children need a father in order to thrive?

234 replies

Jellybeam · 11/02/2016 07:35

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 11/02/2016 08:04

Children thrive in an environment of unconditional love it doesn't matter if that's one parent, two parents or co-parenting.

An abusive parent causes far more harm than an absent parent.

RubyChewsDay · 11/02/2016 08:05

We can help you OP.

The relationships section is also good for advice etc.

MattDillonsPants · 11/02/2016 08:05

YABU OP but you have all my sympathy and I understand your fears.

I have many friends who grew up with no Dad at all...one is the principal of a famous drama school, another is an ITU nurse who is happily married and has two lovely kids...yet another has been married for the last 20 years (very happily) and runs her own art business.xxx

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/02/2016 08:07

You say yourself that in staying with him, she'll have even bigger issues, so what's going on?

Are you trying to justify staying with him?

JasperDamerel · 11/02/2016 08:09

On a population level, the children of lesbians do best of all, so a dad really isn't vital.

Blu · 11/02/2016 08:11

OP, I am sorry to hear you are enduring an abusive relationship. You must be feeling very vulnerable. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely dd.

Guilt is the backing track to motherhood. We feel it over every area of our lives , even when we have no need and have no control over the situation. It is a TOTALLY useless emotion.

You can be everything your little girl needs. You can protect her, love her, help her grow into her own joyful self. But you can only do this if you have freedom to be yourself. An abusuve relationship will suck the strength out of you.

Don't be daft! Of course the children of loving single parents do really well! Stop feeling guilty about 'denying' your dd a dad at home . There is no guilt here.

Ask your HV about the Freedom Programme, (it is a course for women enduring abuse of all kinds) and set you and your dd free.

Good luck !

RichardLawton · 11/02/2016 08:11

As a therapist I can say that growing up with an abusive parent is never a good thing. An abusive partner is toxic for you, toxic for your child.

MsJamieFraser · 11/02/2016 08:15

yabu, I would have had a far better childhood if my dad was not in mine. I loved my dad but he was abusive and an alkie

Gobbolino6 · 11/02/2016 08:16

Thing is, we all have to work with the situation we have. I would leave in your position, and I think you can do so and feel happy yourself in time and also proud that you did the best for your daughter with the hand you were dealt...that's all any parent can do.

contempdancer · 11/02/2016 08:18

I never knew my dad, apparently he was a bit of a bad egg and I can honestly say i feel no need to have him around. My mum did an amazing job by herself which I admire and I never felt I was missing out on a larger scale.

An abusive father who's unreliable and affects you is worse than not having one but having a happy mum instead

Lurkedforever1 · 11/02/2016 08:18

Absolute bollocks op. My dd has never known her father, and she's thriving. And not just compared to living with an arse of a father. She's as well adjusted etc as is possible, and more so than many kids with 2 loving parents.

Also bollocks to the dc of single parents performing less well. That comes down to poverty and/or twatty fathers still on the scene. My dd is performing highly by anyone's standards. And more importantly a lot happier than I was growing up with upper mc married parents.

What a load of stereotyping balls.

Mag314 · 11/02/2016 08:25

My father was present in my life but always favoured my brothers. He is a 'benign sexist' (i know the term thanks to mumsnet). He's been generous with money but he expects obedience and confuses that with gratitude. I've had therapy. I probably need a bit more tbh.

My children seem remarkably unscathed by my leaving their father. There's no gender stereotyping in our house. I am their advocate in school, in life, I want them to do well, and they do have a face to the name ''dad'' so they aren't fantasising about having been adopted or being the secret children of Pa Walton.

Smurfing · 11/02/2016 08:25

You don't miss what you have never had. The best decision my mum ever made was leaving my waste of space, alcoholic, borderline-abusive (certainly financially abusive to my mother) dad. I genuinely don't miss or feel anything for him, other than a bit of pity for him. There no endless angst or inner turmoil. You aren't comparing like for like when using your own dad as a benchmark. Your DD is likely to have more problems growing up and as an adult if her mother allows her to grow up in an abusivr environment than an absent father.

Mag314 · 11/02/2016 08:28

ps, my x's father was present in his life and he is an abusive bully and so is his father!

hth

willowsummers · 11/02/2016 08:28

It doesn't really tally with research, which statistically indicates single mothers who choose to have a baby without the input of a man and same sex couples have better outcomes than nuclear families.

How anyone can think an abusive person is better than nobody is beyond me, it really is.

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 11/02/2016 08:28

YANBU to think that knowing your father is very important.

However, I think you are wrong to place the benefit of living with and knowing your father above the harm caused by living with with an abusive father. And if he is abusive now, he won't stop being abusive. It is the nature of some sad and inadequate men.

Of course leaving the abusive father will cause significant practical problems ... money and the cost of housing being just one of them. It will not be easy to leave him and stand on your own two feet. But at the end of the day, it will probably be best for both you and your child.

I never want to see a relation break up.... but sometimes it really is for the best.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2016 08:32

there is no logic to staying with an abusive partner.
there is only pain and trauma for the child to be growing up in that situation.

please leave now while she is young so she only know peace and happiness.

do you think that children of dead dads have no chance in life? of course not. lone parents can bring up children. my oldest is doing fine emotionally BECAUSE i separated from her difficult and abusive dad .

good parents are great, abusive ones are not

ALemonyPea · 11/02/2016 08:32

Growing up with a positive male role model is probably preferable to growing up with an abusive dad.

Fabellini · 11/02/2016 08:33

That's my ds's fucked then as we lost dh in a car crash when they were just 3 and 6.
Different scenario I know, but I did feel a surge of anger when I read thread title - my boys are both doing really well, and I've worked bloody hard to make sure they have stable, happy lives. I have received many compliments about what lovely young men they are growing into, now that we are 12 years down the line.
I'd say an abusive dad is 10 times worse than no dad.....leave while you still can.

willowsummers · 11/02/2016 08:36

So sorry to hear that, Fab

I wouldn't waste time feeling any anger, though. Some people will always be convinced that the mere presence of a penis, no matter how abusive, is better than a penis-free household.

After all, a woman can't teach a child anything about being polite, honest, kind, hard working, appreciative and happy, really, can she?

Believeitornot · 11/02/2016 08:39

I vaguely remember research which says that girls do better with single dads than single mums. But I can't quite remember.

I was raised by my mum and no idea who my dad is. This bothers me.

I did have childhood issues which stems from my mothers mental health illness and her ability to pick partners who were violent and abusive. However I think I turned out OK.

I can see that with my two DCs that they get different things from me vs dh and this makes them thrive.

But if either me or dh were abusive then they'd be better off without.

Aussiemum78 · 11/02/2016 08:40

A good male role model like a godfather, grandfather, uncle etc will be a good option if you are concerned.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 11/02/2016 08:42

I am fairly sure the research suggested that children of single mums do worse because of the economic issues (not that these aren't worth discussing, but they're separable from emotional ones). Children of lesbian couples - who're equally lacking in a father but less likely to have a lower income - do extremely well.

I think a child with a mum strong enough to leave an abuser is a child who is well set up for life.

TempusEedjit · 11/02/2016 08:43

My dad was abusive, my mum stayed with him. I married someone with exactly the same behaviours as my dad but was unable to see it until I'd wasted all my fertile years with him. I'm remarried to a lovely DH but will never have DC of my own

Mag314 · 11/02/2016 08:44

Jeanne i read that too. It is economic factors that have most impact on outcomes

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