To think children need a father in order to thrive?

[Jellybeam]

...in life?

Aibu to think that children who don't have their biological father present in their childhood end up with a heap of problems during childhood and throughout the rest of their lives.

How can anyone be happy not knowing who made them? My dad was there from birth until my late teens, I have a 6 week DD and her dad is abusive and I want to leave but I worry she will grow up with problems due to not really knowing her father. I know staying with her dad will mean she ends up with even bigger issues, but I can't help but feel she'll be missing on having a dad

I hope you can find help to rid yourself of this awful relationship asap. FWIW, my son's father walked out on me when I was newly pregnant and has never met my son. I have brought him up on my own with love, support and a lot of hard work. He is now nearly 13 and a lovely, sensitive and caring boy although does struggle with issues of self-esteem which could be due to a lack of a father or, more likely, he's inherited that from his dad who was a depressive with other mental health issues too. My son is lucky now to have a supportive stepfather (for two years) and things are looking good.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You will manage this alone and feel stronger for it. Good luck x

Hi Jellybeam

I completely understand how difficult your current situation is. I was in the same place 8 years ago, my DS was 6 weeks old and it was the first time my exh was physically violent towards me. I left but foolishly went back & finally left 2 years ago after 6 years of physical, verbal, emotional & financial abuse. Because he is a farmer I lost my home when I left and I was a SAHM. I suffered from extreme anxiety & OCD as a result of the abuse. We also had a DD who was one when we left. I will not lie, it was very difficult but 2 years on I am beginning to feel like the woman I was before I met him. I thought that I should stay as it was better for the children to have a father than not. My DS would completely disagree with that. He has said in the past that he wished I left sooner and he is jealous that his sister does not remember the fear & had a chance to be happier. He misses his father but he says he feels safe now and that that is infinitely better. My DD is a very happy little girl & utterly devoted to my Dad. She never mentions her father (contact stopped last year). I believe I am a much improved mother as I am happier & can parent without worrying what will set their father off into a rant. My DS was a very anxious boy and would not leave my side as he was terrified I would disappear (he heard his dad say he would kill me). He no longer has nightmares and his academic performance & general happiness has vastly improved since contact stopped. He starts therapy soon, as do I to help with our anxiety. You and your daughter will thrive without him. Please go to Women's Aid or Refuge and get some help. I wish I had done it then (however I wouldn't have my fabulous daughter !). My son would have had a much better start in life.

My father caused more damage being in my life than never being in it. I'd rather he would have fucked off and left us alone. His family have more than made up for his shortcomings though and I love them so so much. I'm at peace with it now but its taken a long time to get here. My friend is a single mum, whose dc don't know their dad, don't have a dad. Dc are thriving.

PS my exh had a first wife that he treated the same as myself. Their DD is now 15 & hasn't seen him for 10 + years. My children & I have seen her since the divorce. She is a wonderful teenager & very happy without her dad. She has a stepdad & her mother is absolutely amazing. There is much hope for you. Best wishes

To those who have lost their fathers or OH to death, I apologise profusely. I didn't mean any hurt you in the sense that your loved ones absence was comparable to abusive or feckless men who choose to disrupt the role of a true parent. If that makes sense?

I was used to having two parents. I just can't imagine how anyone can do it alone. I'm speaking to someone at my local children's centre on Monday to discuss my situation.

Thanks for all your input, it's been very helpful.

It doesn't matter whether an abusive person is a father, a husband, a sister, a grandmother... If they are abusive to anyone they are not going to be capable of enhancing their family's lives. I have very slowly and carefully removed my emotionally abusive ex from our DS's life, and he's a happier teenager now that he's not being asked to keep unreasonable secrets from me, and he doesn't have to give him a full report of what I've been up to and who I've seen, and he doesn't have to lend his feckless father money!

It's a major regret to me that I procreated with someone who turned out to be such a waste of space, but my feeling is that my son shouldn't have to suffer him for life because of my mistake...

I'm speaking to someone at my local children's centre on Monday to discuss my situation.

OP I'm so pleased to hear that. Very best of luck to you and your DD.

I have a Father.... he's still married to my Mother.

He was always calling me 'fat' at the age of 9 when I started puberty... Never seemed interested in me, didn't attend any school plays or teachers evenings and to this day, makes nasty, horrible comments about things.

However as a 34 year old adult, I now don't bother with him, mostly ignore him and he won't be walking me up the isle at my wedding or getting any mentions in the speach as he hasn't contributed anything positive to my life at all.

... I believe I could have thrived more if my Mother had left him.

Oh and to this bit I just can't imagine how anyone can do it alone. it is honestly so much easier to be a lone parent than live with an abusive dick. I was terrified of how I'd cope alone but it is soo much easier. Even when I had both kids (9month old and 3.5yr old) up sick for 3 nights in a row, I felt less tired and rundown than I did on an average day with my abusive ex. Its emotionally exhausting to live with abuse. Also even if you don't realise its happened yet your self esteem and confidence will, almost certainly, have taken a bashing. Once your alone again that confidence in yourself will return.