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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 04/02/2016 13:49

Err yes. YABU. You don't give to receive. A blue towel and blanket is a perfectly fine gift for either gender, I wouldn't assume it's regifted. Not everyone is crafty, I would never make a gift for someone, and have given bought blankets as gifts in the past.

elQuintoConyo · 04/02/2016 13:50

"She has form for this" jumps out. She isn't a friend. I'd be distancing myself - no huge blowout or anything, just a slow 'not available for coffee' type thing.

I try to have only lovely fluffy people in my life who bring something to the friendship.

Congrats on your DD Flowers

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:51

It's definitely regifted - it's been opened.

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 04/02/2016 13:51

Yes YABU she has given you something useful what does it matter what if anything it cost. It's not a totally inapropriate toy or have BABY BOY emblazoned across it.

HixieRice · 04/02/2016 13:52

Aw that's a bit shit. I often put a lot of effort into making presents for people who completely don't appreciate them so I know how you must feel. And it'll be reflected in your behaviour towards her and future gifts.....

theycallmemellojello · 04/02/2016 13:53

You'd break friends with someone because their prezzies weren't up to snuff?? God, I can't even remember which of my friends gave gifts when I had my DS.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 13:54

I don't rank my friends by the presents they give me. You are artistic, and had both the means and time to make a present for her, which you wanted to do. It is ridiculous to expect people to give you the equivalent back.
She came to see you and brought a present. If I were your friend I'd be pretty hurt by you discussing the value of my gift behind my back and judging me based on that.

AskingForAPal · 04/02/2016 13:55

YABU sorry. I get that you spent a lot more time on hers than she has on yours, but on the other hand she has a very small baby too and presumably not as much time as you had before you had your child. And it's a nice present! Better that you have it than that it go to waste.

I know you're feeling sensitive and probably feel like she's showing a lack of caring, but unless she's a crap friend in other ways I'd just try to forget it TBH.

Congratulations on your little girl by the way! Flowers

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 04/02/2016 13:57

You are being U and sound very grabby and ungreatful. Not everyone has time or inclination to sit and make lovely bespoke crafty presents. And maybe she opened it to check it was all there? Maybe she regifted because you "only" gave her something handmade? Maybe she doesn't buy into the pink for girls bollocks?
I also fail to see the relevance of your having had fertility treatment tbh. Does it mean you deserve a nicer present? Of course not, so why mention it?

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:57

It's probably off the back of a range of things that have made me cross.

She's ds's godmother and she promised him something at his christening which never happened.
For my 30th birthday she promised me a spa day but then it turned out I had to arrange it and pay for it all so we didn't go.

I suppose it annoys me because when it's her turn for these things everyone is expected to make a big fuss. I know you don't give to receive - it's not so much about getting something as the lack of thought.

OP posts:
KC225 · 04/02/2016 13:58

Hormones.

She has a baby of a year or less. She is dealing with that stage of babydom and may not have the time or energy to shop for thoughtful gifts inbetween naps etc. She did get you a gift. Presents are not that important to some people.

rainbowstardrops · 04/02/2016 13:58

It's a really shit thing to do OP and I'm chuckling at the people who think it's perfectly OK!
Of course you don't give to receive but how hard is it to go out and buy a NEW little pressie for a NEW baby?
Yanbu
Congratulations by the way Flowers

BumWad · 04/02/2016 13:58

I can understand your disappointment completely, especially as you went to all that effort for her DS. I am a bit of a shit present giver hence I always give money/gift cards. Just take it on the chin and know for next time.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby Flowers

leelu66 · 04/02/2016 13:59

YANBU. I would align your behaviour with hers. Don't give too much of yourself to people if they don't appreciate it.

I'm assuming she has no other issues e.g. PND.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:59

For instance she had a baby shower - which we also all took gifts too - and then she complained that some people didn't bring a second gift when the baby was born.
It's the double standards that annoy me!

OP posts:
BumWad · 04/02/2016 13:59

I don't think you are grabby at all btw!

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 14:00

to

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 04/02/2016 14:00

YANBU, I'd be hurt too. Clearly she doesn't care as much. Sad for you :(

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 14:00

Her ds is one so not newborn.

OP posts:
SoftBlocks · 04/02/2016 14:02

I can see why you might feel a little bit put out but bear in mind she has a child now. You didn't, I'm assuming, have a child to look after when you made the lovely present for her and so maybe had a bit more time to think about it and make it?

She might have been too tired or busy to sort out a better present. Is it worth dumping her over?

AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 14:02

A bit of both. Yanbu to not have wanted a regifted present but you don't know if she had the time to get something and just thought a gift is a gift?
Yabu to expect everyone to be crafty, it wouldn't cross my mind to give someone a frame as I think that's a cheap gift. I would prefer to regift.
On the whole it sounds like she lets you down quite a bit, however she also has a small baby so you don't know how difficult she might have it.

NeedACleverNN · 04/02/2016 14:02

No that's not fair really.

She might not have as much time as you did pre baby but it doesn't take long to go to a shop and pick up something nice for a girl.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 04/02/2016 14:03

Any more drip feeding?

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/02/2016 14:03

Your friend is unreasonable. Honestly I don't know anyone in RL who would be delighted to receive an opened blue gift set if they'd had a girl.

Not because girls can't wear blue but because it was such an obvious re-gift.

OracleofDelphi · 04/02/2016 14:04

Of course YANBU to feel hurt I cant believe people are saying you are! I think some people are missing the point. This is a good friend of yours, that you went to a lot of time, care and effort to give her something to celebrate the birth of their child.

I imagine if you then receive a gift that looks like they forgot and hastily rifled through the cupboard, dragged something out from the back and thought "oh, this will do", its going to hurt. Its fact that the gift given to you, lacks care in your opinion.

I don't think you are hurt by the gift (towel / blanket), you are hurt by the action that you think it might mean your friend thinks less of you or somehow your child.

However YABU to judge your whole friendship on this. Some people aren't good at buying gifts, some have been raised to expect or do different things to celebrate, you don't say how old her DS is - could it be that she forgot due to tiredness and felt guilty having not bought something? If it s a one off I wouldn't let it cloud your judgement of your friendship. But if you have other issues then it will have more of an impact IYKWIM