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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
JeanGenie23 · 04/02/2016 14:05

I would be a little hurt too but I would get over it quickly, it doesn't really matter, would I have put more thought into someone's gift, definitely, but not everyone does, don't worry about it!

WickedWax · 04/02/2016 14:07

YANBU/YABU

I'm not against re-gifting, but can see why it's bothered you.

I definitely got a regifted gift when DS was born. A "my first year" baby book, and written in the second page was "to X and X, congratulations on the birth of X" - addressed to the people who'd given it to us. Grin

I messaged them to say - thanks but I'll pass it back next time I see you, as there's a personal message in there, obviously written by whoever gave it to you as a gift when your DD was born.

LittleBeautyBelle · 04/02/2016 14:12

She sounds like she has high expectations for her friends when to comes to herself, but she is completely thoughtless when it comes to her doing anything and she is ok with that.

That is not a friend. I would even ask someone else to be godmother. She's not going to take care with being godmother, she is self centered.

What stands out to me is how she expects premium treatment but is a hypocrite in that no one else should expect or deserve the same.

You should drop her like a hot potato and make good friends with people who respect you and your child.

Congratulations on your long awaited child Flowers. That deserves a big celebration in my opinion. Don't waste time on this woman, seriously, she is not wasting time on you, she is the center of her world, leave her to it.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 14:12

Ha ha - that's bad!

I will get over it, I just think would it have hurt her to pop to sainsburys or somewhere and chosen something special for dd? I don't think the Thomas the tank blanket and toy were chosen for dd!

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 04/02/2016 14:13

I'd be hurt too. YANBU.

Robotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:13

Your present for her child sounds thoughtful & kind. Maybe she thought her present to you was as well?
Move on. There's worse shit going on in the world. Be grateful that you both have happy healthy babies & don't worry about it. And if she's annoying you then put your energy into your other friendships. Simple.

Pipistrella · 04/02/2016 14:13

It's about the wider context and within that context, yanbu.

We all know someone like this - happy to receive but don't give a stuff about reciprocating. I had a friend who re-used crumpled wrapping paper, bought the cheapest gift he could find, once he gave us a toy with completely corroded batteries, goodness knows how old it was - or didn't bring a gift at all to children's parties, saying 'Oh, they will just be happy that we came!' Hmm

It's delusional. And really tight. And he had a very well paid job.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 14:14

towel struggling with my phone today!

OP posts:
notagiraffe · 04/02/2016 14:16

You know that thing about languages of love? Sounds like you are mismatched. her way of showing love isn't through material things. But how does she show it? If she doesn't put much into your friendship in other ways (a good listener when you have a problem, generous with her time and expertise etc ), then I'm with ElQuinto. Distance yourself. You'll be busy with your newborn and you really don't need to be around people who drain your resources when the children are small.

TeapotDictator · 04/02/2016 14:16

Good grief, is this really something to be offended about? I'm often too busy or distracted or you know, real life is going on, to be that on top of it with presents. Not everyone is as into present giving (and receiving). If someone gave me a present they hadn't thought much about I'd still think - ahhh - nice thought!

You have no idea what was going on in her life for her to not have had the time or ability to give you something different. There are more important things in life!

BreakfastLunchPasta · 04/02/2016 14:18

Backing up a sec, did she want you to take her on a spa day for your 30th birthday? As in, you were to organise it and pay for both of you, correct?

gingerboy1912 · 04/02/2016 14:18

Yanbu that she gave you a blue regifted present, that's a bit crap imo

Yabu to compare it to how much time you spent on her gift. That was up to you to do that.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:19

Op I get you. It was obviously used and regifted which is what hurt, not the present itself. Its the fact that its a lack of thought, and how she sees you. It smacks, I can't be bothered attitude, especially after you put a lot of thought into your baby gift for her. Ignore those Mumsnetters who are saying YABVU, I bet they would feel the same as you, if it happened to them.

LovelyFriend · 04/02/2016 14:20

Re-gifting is the best possible thing to do for your DD and all the other new babies in the world out there. babies really don't need the arrival of their birth "celebrated" with a load of straight to landfill after a tiny amount of use crap. The amount of unnecessary stuff generated in the name of a new born baby & marketed towards its bright shiny anxious new parents, sickens me it really does.

That you feel your baby should be acknowledged by people buying you some cheap tat from Sainsburys leaves me very nearly speechless.

I'm sure your handmade gift was lovely but you seriously can't expect others to go to the same lengths you went to, especially when they are kept very busy with their young children themselves.

YABU.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:22

Ah, just read your subsequent posts, YABVVVU for expecting anything nice from that friend, she does not sound like a good friend at all. She expects nice presents herself, but does the complete opposite to her friends. That would be a dealbreaker, and I would gradually distance myself and not bother next time with her.

GNRmama · 04/02/2016 14:22

YANBU. I can totally see why you're upset and it's nothing to do with money. Just distance yourself from her, I think that's all you can do.

Jw35 · 04/02/2016 14:23

YANBU it's a crap present with little or no thought applied. It's not about being 'grabby' as some of accused you of, it's about the fact the you incest more time and effort into the relationship that she does.

TitClash · 04/02/2016 14:23

Thats shabby. The nicest gift I got was some home made fairy cakes from someone who I know doesnt have much money. It really was the thoughtfulness that counted.

Jw35 · 04/02/2016 14:23

Invest not incest! Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:24

She sounds completely flaky and superficial how she has treated you in the past. lovelyfriend, you are totally missing the point here, the £10 outfit from Sainsburys would be specifically chosen for op dd by her friend, and that is what matters.

MNemonica · 04/02/2016 14:25

YANBU at all, I would be hurt too. You made a huge effort when her baby was born, whereas she made none whatsoever when you had your DD.

I'm Hmm about all these holier-than-thou posters who would be so grateful to receive a re-gifted present that has actually been opened already and not deemed good enough for so-called friend's baby

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:25

Excatly tit, that would be the best present every, as thought and consideration has been put into that.

Janeymoo50 · 04/02/2016 14:26

I don't think this is about being grabby or anything of the sort. She would have been better of not giving a gift than one of her leftovers, it's crass and thoughtless. Huge congratulations to you on the birth of your daughter.

LastOneDancing · 04/02/2016 14:26

I can see why its hurtful.

It hardly takes much effort to go to a shop and buy a pack of 3 bodysuits - you can do it as part of your weekly shop FFS - but I'm not sure why you expected any better when she's clearly shit at presents, has always been shit at presents and will always be... shit at presents. Does she have other redeeming qualities?

I hope the bathtowel is one of those really big hooded ones by the way, at least it will be useful.

Diane31 · 04/02/2016 14:27

I'm not materialistic, far from it. Both hubby and I come from large families and often small but practical presents are given and that is fine. But I agree, I would find this a bit hurtful but would probably move on from it because that's the way she is by the sounds of it!