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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
3point14159265359 · 04/02/2016 15:35

I'm kind of wondering how this thread would have gone if the OP had simply said a good friend had regifted her a blue blanket, and left out all mention of the presents she made for friend.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:36

Well what's the point of leaving out detail?

BringBackBagpuss · 04/02/2016 15:38

I had several regifted presents (frequently unworn with tags, but I'd get an embarrassed explanation as well - presumably in case I tried to return to store!). The 'no, you should have sent this to a charity shop / bin and gone and bought me something NEW' never occurred to me.

On the the other hand, DC wore very few of the lovingly handknitten cardigans (things that survived hot washes / tumble dryers were favourite), and as for handmade photo frames - I'm not a Pinterest person by any means, but I do like to pick what suits my own house.

afussyphase · 04/02/2016 15:42

someone should write a "language of gifts" book. people (and I think even cultures) use gifts in different ways, from the straightforward 'i thought you'd like this and i was thinking of you' to obligatory gifts at events like showers or christmas, to ways to emphasise or build connections. the problem is when that language doesn't match up! or when the language communicates something unfriendly (which i think the OP's example does - clearly this woman did not consider how OP would feel, or worse, considered it and did it anyway!)
i also used to have a friend who'd spend time on home made gifts and in her case there did seem to be an implied obligation. that's why it's awkward receiving something over the top, really, and why i'd avoid spending hours and hours on something for someone unless i was sure they'd value it (and that they'd value my friendship)..

Muskateersmummy · 04/02/2016 15:50

Yanbu OP. It's nothing to do with the craftiness of the gift, I'm not crafty but I would have looked for something suitably thoughtful and fitting (especially if I knew how much someone had struggled for that baby!). To regift an inappropriate gift is lazy and shows no thought for a friend.

3point14159265359 · 04/02/2016 15:50

mitzy, is it detail or is it the point?

I think a straight up 'regifting' thread would have gone differently. I think part of OP's hurt is very definitely because she did hand-crafted gift.

And I think that's what is unreasonable, not being disappointed by a bit of a shit present, which is perfectly reasonable, IMO.

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:53

I think she’s hurt because her ‘friend’ is the sort of person who expects a present for a baby shower and another present for the birth yet cannot be arsed to give even one half decent present to her own friend.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:59

Yes Flowers to you OP! To paraphrase Confucius 'Don't let trivial shizz like your friend's flakiness make you feel sad at this happy time'.

3point14159265359 · 04/02/2016 15:59

Well, I have my own special thoughts on showers too... Grin

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 16:00

I've never known anyone to have a baby shower in the UK. Only read about them here.

HixieRice · 04/02/2016 16:03

lovelyfriend if love is NOT shown through the purchase and giving of unneeded material objects then why do we do it?
Even if presents aren't important to some people, it's part of our culture and needs some effort unless you want to hurt feelings.

zzzzz · 04/02/2016 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 04/02/2016 16:16

An obvious regift is pretty crap tbh, smacks of not having thought about it until running out of the door.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/02/2016 16:16

I like your Confucius quote Mitzy Smile

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 16:18

Well she put it up in the nursery! I did get something else too in case she didn't like the homemade gift...

I wasn't expecting a lot but it would have been nice if she'd chosen something for dd. I hate sodding Thomas the tank anyway, which I think she knows. He's smug! Never had any Thomas stuff for ds.

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 04/02/2016 16:23

Some folk are such hardasses. I'd be peeved too as what you're feeling is part of a series of incidents that make you feel as if you're investing more in the relationship than she is. I'd probably feel the same as you OP, I don't think YABU. However, I would resist any future endeavours to give thoughtful gifts and presents and stick to "polite basics" if you must buy.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 16:23

If she's a good friend, it doesn't matter. If she's not a good friend, it still doesn't matter, because there are other issues.

It can be awkward to be on the recieving end of lovely handmade gifts, because, as is clear from many of these posts, there is a weight of expectation for return gifts, and lots of people have neither the talent, inclination or time to create things. So you get people who put time and effort in, but expect the time and effort back, which is not in the spirit of gift giving at all.
And I say that as someone who gifts handmade blankets for babies, that take many hours of my time.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/02/2016 16:26

And re "It's part of our culture" yes up to a point but is it just me that feels the whole thing is getting a bit out of hand now?

When I think of the difference in Christmas and Birthday pressies when I was young compared to my DC's experience, and the corresponding difference in gift obligation felt by my DM and by me, I think it's not that long established a tradition really?

So, we really did used to get just one Christmas pressie in our pillow-case from Father Christmas, along with a satsuma and sugar mouse, and if we were lucky a £5 in a card from a great-aunt. Think my DGP's gave me an annual - I remember in 1970 it was a Herb Annual - and I as allowed to stay up til midnight to welcome in the new decade. Sorry, I digress !

leghoul · 04/02/2016 16:31

you sound like a friend I wouldn't really want to have OP. Why are you assessing your friendship based on things like gifts? do you like her as a person? I wouldn't ditch a friend because of something that's ultimately so trivial. Sure it wasn't up to your standards, but she was surely trying to be helpful as let's face it, blankets, vests etc. can never have too many of if they're clean with a small baby..

Levatrice · 04/02/2016 16:31

Yanbu at all that is sheer laziness and disinterest , especially given what you made for her ( although i see the point that that was your choice etc etc) .
At least you know not to bother next time there is a situation you would be expected to give a gift!
And to the poster that got given the recycled 'first year book' im literally mortified for you who would do that?!? Would rather recieve nothing Shock

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 16:33

'you sound like a friend I wouldn't really want to have OP'

Well that's nice.

'she was surely trying to be helpful'

Are you sure she was surely trying to be helpful?

scrumptiouscrumpets · 04/02/2016 16:33

Yanbu. Sounds like a rubbish present and I think the posters who think it's okay haven't read the OP properly. It does sound regifted too. She could definitely have gone to more effort!
However, some people are rubbish at presents. So I'd forgive and forget if she is a good friend otherwise, but you say you are annoyed by other things too, so I'd be asking myself if you really want to be friends with her!

2ManySweets · 04/02/2016 16:34

mitzy keeps putting it better than me and more succinctly too [doffs cap]

CocktailQueen · 04/02/2016 16:36

YANBU to be hurt. You don't give to receive, yada yada, but I can see that this is hurtful.

Your friend does not sound like a very good friend. I'd distance myself from her and concentrate on finding new friends who are nicer...