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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
evilcherub · 04/02/2016 14:27

Yanbu!

Witchend · 04/02/2016 14:27

I had to open a baby gift set to remove a tag with the price in that was inside the packaging. Hope my friend didn't think like you.

redexpat · 04/02/2016 14:28

Google 5 love languages. You are acts of service, she is not. It doesnt mean she doesnt love you, just that she shows it in different ways.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 14:29

She sounds tighter than a duck's arse.

ShelaghTurner · 04/02/2016 14:29

YANBU. I'm not against regifting but it's not asking too much to expect a tiny bit of thought to go into a present, especially a new baby one. And I defy anyone on this thread to not be a little bit put out in these circumstances.

LittleBeautyBelle · 04/02/2016 14:30

There's more to this and that is what OP is getting at, I think. It's not that Op is materialistic and her friend is not. She is not a good friend in other ways, and this latest thing just brings it home to op, it is a confirmation.

As others said, if this friend was thoughtful in other ways, a good listener, or somebody you knew you could call in an emergency, or spoke encouraging words to you, etc. then that coupled with the lack of thought in this other area would be ok because it is true that people see gifts and noticing special events/birthdays differently.

I'm from a family of six kids. Our birthdays were not a big deal. We were lucky to get a cake from the grocery store on our birthday. It was just the way it was. Special dates didn't get a lot of notice. However, I knew I was loved. I knew I could call my mother anytime day or night and she would be there for me.

But this woman doesn't sound like a friend in any sense of the word. So it was true to form for her to do this about not really acknowledging your long awaited daughter. Yet she expects a lot of hoopla around her child and herself. My general reaction to any gift is gratitude, doesn't matter what it is. but I'm sorry, a Thomas the tank gift set that's been opened and is obviously a regift, for your little girl from her godmother no less, after you took great care for her son, is thoughtless.

CrossfireHurricane · 04/02/2016 14:31

Congratulations on your ddFlowers
Yanbu that would hurt me too.
Complete lack of thought.It wouldn't have taken a huge effort to pick a little something up.

3point14159265359 · 04/02/2016 14:31

YABU, I had a friend who gave handmade, thoughtful presents for every occasion and it pissed me right off - firstly because she was always making whatever it was about her, (ooh look at me, aren't I clever?, it took forever, you can't ever throw this away) and second, because how do you even begin to give an as effortful present back?

bigbuttons · 04/02/2016 14:33

YANBU. This is not about the gift, but the thought put in to the gift. She couldn't be bothered with you or your baby and that it shit.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 14:34

'how do you even begin to give an as effortful present back?'

Well for starters 3point you don't give an obviously recycled gift!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:36

3point you sound utterly delightful, if I were your friends I would avoid giving. Op she has a form for being flaky and thoughtless so my views would be clouded by this.

singlemumbelfast · 04/02/2016 14:37

That's just a bit mean re gifting something she knows you won't use

I found that while struggling to conceive no 2, one of my friends was very interested in my clomid cycles and lack of progress but once I told her I was 3 months pregnant she wasn't very pleased at all

People like that aren't real friends they are just jealous and not very good at hiding it

She doesn't really care about hurting your feelings and can't share in your happiness. I'd dump her

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:39

Exactly bigbuttons, that is what is shit. Regift yes, but if the present matches the receiver, which in this case it does not. If op had a ds she would be none the wiser. It was obviously regifted and that is shit.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2016 14:40

YANBU. It's pretty thoughtless. It's hard when you're someone who makes such an effort with girls - the fact is that some (many) people don't.

Her behaviour would hurt me too especially with the promised spa day. A couple of my friends promised gifts or offered to make me when DD was born. I was hurt when they never materialised.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 14:41

It shows she doesent care about you and your baby, that is shit. I would distance myself from her.

MNemonica · 04/02/2016 14:45

I'm also Shock that some pp seem to think that having a baby who is several months old means that you can't be expected to go shopping for a gift for a friend who is so close to you that she is a godmother to one of your children. Even if the "friend" couldn't leave the house for whatever reason she could make the effort to shop online!

I think the OP is being given a hard time by some posters.

If you still value this grabby woman's friendship, OP, (baby shower, then expects second lot of gifts - wtf!) that's up to you, but if it were me, I would certainly cool off a bit and would never, ever spend time making gifts for her again.

I know you don't give to receive, as some pps have so piously pointed out, but IMHO there should be balance in every relationship, and there doesn't seem to be any here.

Milanisabadman · 04/02/2016 14:45

Didn't take long for words like "grabby" to be wheeled out despite OP clearly stating that her feelings had nothing to do with financial value...
OP it sucks that your friend didn't give as much thought to your DC's gift as you had hers. YANBU but I wouldn't give it too much energy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2016 14:46

YANBU to be a bit hurt, no - inappropriate re-gifting is a bit shit.

But YABU to expect that she would put as much thought into a gift as you do, because people don't. You chose how much thought and effort to put into your gift to her, yet she's not the sort of person to reciprocate, and you already knew that because you said "she has form for this". Lower your expectations of her or drop her as a friend.

MackerelOfFact · 04/02/2016 14:49

YANBU, OP. It's not the gift, as you say, it's the effort and thought. Even if she'd just picked some daffodils out of her garden or baked some biscuits or something that would've meant much more than something she'd found languishing at the back of a cupboard.

I wonder if she's maybe a bit jealous. It sounds like she likes to be lavished with gifts and attention but isn't as interested when the focus is on someone else.

themumfairy · 04/02/2016 14:50

YANBU op.
I can totally relate I'm in a similar situation. I've just realised I'm always the 'giver' with family and friends. I don't give presents and things to get things in return but it's the time and effort I put into everything.
For example, a family member that I'm close to was pregnant and I arranged her a baby shower. Took me months of planning. Made a nappy cake and got her some lovely personalised gifts and personalised card. She did appreciate them and I loved seeing her face when she opened them. I've just had my dd and she didn't even get me a card. I'm not fussed by presents but I do like to keep cards for her memory box.
I would for once just like someone to think of me how I think of them and put some effort in.

DragonboysMum · 04/02/2016 14:53

YANBU. I completely understand and don't think you're being grabby as some have said.

I always used to buy nice gifts for a group of friend's birthdays, new babies, new home etc. It wasn't usually expensive but I'd get something I thought they'd like, or would fit with their decor. Sometimes some of us would put together if we knew there was something more expensive that the person would love like a handbag or jewellery. I never got anything thoughtful back and most of the time they 'forgot'. One year I had a bottle of bog standard supermarket brand shampoo and conditioner from one of the group whilst the others had had things like a manicure, a lovely purse or similar.

The last straw for me was one of them giving my tiny, much awaited newborn son an item of clothing for a 2 year old which was regifted and very old as the packaging from the store was battered and broken. The company had rebranded several years before and the old logo was on this.

It wasn't about the value of the presents that upset me, it was just the lack of thought and the realisation that actually, to them, I wasn't really thought of as part of the group. They could get away with being flaky because 'it's only Dragon'. That was what hurt.

I just stopped buying for them. I send a card now and that's it.

Congratulations on your new Daughter op ThanksSmile

Scaredycat3000 · 04/02/2016 14:53

My DC keep getting crap gifts from one set of relatives. They must spend a lot of time going though church fates, charity shops to find sticker books so old the stickers fall off the backing paper, board games with all the pieces already punched out and played with or centenary editions from years ago. Pisses me off no end, they're comparatively loaded, I don't care how much money they spend but make it something that actually works/relevant.
YANBU Can't be arsed presents are rude. Ether do it properly or not at all.

snowgirl1 · 04/02/2016 14:53

YANBU. Is your friend planning to have more children? Maybe hang on to the gift and re-gift it to her? If she complains, you can say you felt the same when it was given to you.

CauliflowerBalti · 04/02/2016 14:55

YANBU to feel this way. I get that you didn't expect her to do anything crafty/time-consuming - just put some thought into her gift, in the same way you put thought into your gifts.

Not everyone is naturally thoughtful though, and not everyone views gifting in the same way. I would have advised you to try and get over it until the rest of the information dripped through. She doesn't sound that ace. Find nicer friends.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/02/2016 14:55

Hmm, some people aren't that good at pressies but they might be good at other things - show their friendship in other ways?
But if she's a person who's into the gift exchange thing then perhaps she could have been slightly more thoughtful and celebratory in her choice of pressie.

I re-gifted something for a secret Santa at work once and the person made a huge fuss about the packaging being slightly dodgy. It was a smellies gift set - does the packaging matter that much?!

Congrats on arrival of DD Flowers Here have a cuppa from me too Brew

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