Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/02/2016 19:01

WickedWax what was their response?

jwpetal · 04/02/2016 19:06

It was a bit strange to regift something so obviously, but I must admit I am not the best gift giver. My friends know this of me. However, I am the first to drop everything for them. I call them (not text) on birthdays when I remember and i have their kids at my house at last moment. I love drop ins and they let me drop in. This is not for everyone, but at the same time friendship is more than what gift you got. I would also wonder if maybe something else is going on? You don't know the full story though with your first you are consumed with that. Remember she may still be consumed by her first or maybe something else is happening. When I think back to the things I said and did to my mum, friends, strangers when I was pregnant and had young kids, I cringe.

BigQueenBee · 04/02/2016 19:07

I'd say put things into perspective. You have had your baby,and should be thankful.
I lost a few babies to miscarriage.. My mom knitted the most gorgeous matinee jacket when I was first pregnant and of course it was no longer needed. She gave it to my brothers second child. I'm not bitter because she is one of the most generous people I know .

Notonthestairs · 04/02/2016 19:30

I really don't think the Op was bothered by the monetary value. She made a gift which signalled her excitement for her friend having a baby. What she was expecting was a reciprocal signal that her mate was pleased for her too - not necessarily by making something herself but by showing there was some thought put in to it, even if she had acknowledged the regifting but with a "towels are always useful and who cares about the colour" probably would have helped.
Really labelling Op as materialistic is missing the point.

TeapotDictator · 04/02/2016 19:37

I think there's something wrong with the friendship if you need these things to be "signalled" with gifts. I couldn't have cared less if a friend didn't buy me anything after having my children... I recognise that a) I'm not the centre of the universe and b) I value my friendship according to other markers!

vanillavelvet · 04/02/2016 20:08

Lovelyfriend, you sound like my kind of friend. Grin

Clearoutre · 04/02/2016 20:22

Genuinely wondering how you would change a Godparent - is that a thing?

Assuming the examples you've given (blatant re-gift, organise-and-pay-for-it-yourself spa birthday present, promise made but never kept, ungrateful baby shower diva etc etc) are characteristic of your friend and she's not just crap at gifts but brilliant in other ways then I'd put some distance between you for now...she's your daughter's godparent for goodness sake.

If the blanket in question is annoying you just give it to charity and don't feel guilty for one second.

Anyone half thoughtful would realise how it might have looked & at least explained - I've had no time, I can't afford something new, it's regifted but I thought you might find it useful...I don't know ANYTHING that doesn't make you think 'Does she think I was born yesterday?'!! You can laugh about thoughless gifts from people who don't mean much to you but from someone close it's hurtful and it would be more polite to give nothing.

Clearoutre · 04/02/2016 20:40

Just realised she's your son's godparent not your daughter's...the sentiment still stands through association though.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2016 21:43

yanbu

blue for boy - pink for girl - as newborns gifts

yellow white green etc is 50/50 Grin

If a friend of mine had just had a baby after several rounds of fertility treatment I'd probably give her an extra special gift

ditto or at least attempt to give her something useful - yes a blue snuggly blanket is useful but to a boy

op wants pink fluffy stuff, she had a girl

CharlotteandFreddie · 05/02/2016 08:35

I would definitely be upset with this - it sounds as though you're quite a generous person, what you made for her baby sounds lovely. I am often upset by people's lack of thought and care. my feelings have somewhat changed since having my baby. I had a rather long and unpleasant stint in hospital while having him.. Not one visitor, not one card, nothing. (Except my amazing family of course) but it has made me realise that I don't need friends like this in my life. In your case it's not about being crafty, or having a lot of time - you can order something online in a matter of seconds. There is no need to regift unsuitable items... I 100% understand what you mean, a little bit of thought means the world - no matter how little it cost

3point14159265359 · 05/02/2016 09:17

This is what I don't understand - lots of you who are in the YANBU camp are saying that two minutes online and small cost would be acceptable. I really don't get how two minutes and a few quid differentiate good friends from bad.

SweetAngels · 05/02/2016 09:29

YANBU!!! Can't believe some people think this is ok - even if she's not good at crafts and has a small child she still could have got you something girly and cute eg while she was in the supermarket or ordered online. I can't stand when people make out that having a small child means they have no time at all for anything but that child, grrr!
And yes there's nothing wrong with blue for girls but as a friend/godmother I would expect she should know you well enough to know whether this would bother you.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 09:34

Going on line is quick and easy but does signal that you put some thought into getting an appropriate present. Passing on an inappropriate gift just says 'I don't care enough sbout you to make any effort'.

We signal friendship through being thoughtful. We demonstrate thoughtfulness through gift giving. When someone gets it so wrong or makes zero effort (and honestly, a present for a new baby is the easiest thing in the world to buy), it is hurtful - it is not about money, just about caring enough to make an appropriate gesture.

MitzyLeFrouf · 05/02/2016 09:52

Passing on an inappropriate gift just says 'I don't care enough sbout you to make any effort'.

Exactly this.

MitzyLeFrouf · 05/02/2016 09:57

It's a gift, who cares if no thought went into it?

Thought did go into it. Just not any considerate thoughts. Remember this is from a woman whose nose was out of joint when people didn't get her separate gifts for her baby shower and her baby's arrival. Gifts mean a lot to this person.

longestlurkerever · 05/02/2016 10:00

Congratulations on your dd. It's a pretty shit gift, fair play, but I wouldn't be hurt by it. Some people put time and effort into making / choosing gifts, others aren't so good at this put equivalent time and effort into other aspects of a friendship. As long as she's not generally a thoughtless person who never has any time for you I honestly wouldn't think any more about it.

It's a bit like when you go to a friend's house for lunch. Sone friends will go all out baking home made bread etc in honour of your visit, which is lovely, but you don't come away from thefriend who cracked open a tin of beans thinking they're a shit and thoughtless friend. At least I don't. unless they actually are a shit and thoughtless friend.

Aworldofmyown · 05/02/2016 10:01

YANBU, its not about the present.

Its upsetting when there is a lack of thought with a friend you thought you were close to, its not about expecting presents. When a good friend of mine had a baby girl we made cakes and took over a special tea when we visited. Not great expense but a lot of thought.

ProphetOfDoom · 05/02/2016 10:26

YANBU - it's thoughtless. However, in the big scheme of things the present is small fry but it sounds like it's opened your eyes as to what kind of 'friend' she is. If she adds to your life on other ways you'll just make a note to not have much expectation in the way of present-giving - it's something you're good at, she isn't. But it does sounds like she's let you down in other ways that are important to you too. There's nothing wrong in deciding some friendships are not as close as you thought and deciding to move them to the periphery or your circle.

BackforGood · 05/02/2016 10:29

YABU. I'd FAR rather receive a towel / blanket set than a picture.

I appreciate anything that someone is kind enough to give me (that I can use) though.

Just a thought, but I suspect she (with a young baby) has a lot less time on her hands than you did when TTC, even before we go in to if she has your artistic skills or not.

AliW68 · 05/02/2016 10:32

A few thoughts:
Re-gifting for children is rife (my son got a ToyStory 3 book set from one friend with older children before he even knew there was a ToyStory 1 and another friend gave him a follow up book to Wind in the Willows before he'd got the original - too random to be bought purposefully) so you may as well get used to it!
Women aren't always entirely nice to one another even when they are supposed to be best friends.
Some people seem to treat their friends less well than they might do others if they think they can get away with.
She may feel intimidated by your talent and thoughtfulness.
I'd try and concentrate on the lovely things that have happened since you had your baby if possible. Don't let this take any shine away.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 10:50

I don't buy this notion that because she has a baby, she doesn't have time/mental energy to put any effort into buying a gift. Plenty of us have kids and still manage to behave thoughtfully towards friends.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 05/02/2016 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDePompom · 05/02/2016 11:04

Blah, blah, blah.....

You don't have to give a better present to a baby born through fertility treatment but the least you can do is avoid giving your friend something that's obviously from your own kid's gift reject pile.

WittgensteinsBunny · 05/02/2016 11:13

I get that you're hurt but there may be all sorts of other factors at play. I'm usually a very considerate person, love giving thoughtful gifts but am just recovering from a period of terrible anxiety / PND and I just can't keep up the level of thoughtfulness I would have once done.

The other thing is that gifts should be given graciously, without chains. So the fact that you have given such a wonderful gift is fab and very kind but that doesn't entitle to you have one back.

Also, my DH doesn't really do gifts and it may not be something that occurred to her.

Congrats on your baby, though. Flowers

longestlurkerever · 05/02/2016 12:10

I regift stuff. I'm not ashamed. At Christmas my dd2 got some lovely presents but they happened to be duplicates of things we already had. They are just the sort of thing I'd choose as,a gift for a baby though so I've put them aside for suitable occasions. What's the poison taking them back, swapping them for something random and spending more money and the planet's resources on something equivalent later? Friendships that have constant tests of whether you've put "enough thought" into gifts etc are hard work. I get enough of that from the inlaws.