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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

185 replies

Givinguph0pe · 04/02/2016 13:46

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 04/02/2016 14:58

Aeroflot I did not miss that point at all, but you seem to have spectacularly missed mine Grin

LovelyFriend · 04/02/2016 14:59

It shows she doesent care about you and your baby
oh for goodness sake!

gandalf456 · 04/02/2016 15:00

Yanbu. I am pretty useless at crafts and pretty useless at using gifts but it sounds as if she didn't even try to disguise the fact that it was meant for her boy and I agree it wouldn't have been a great hardship to get something from Sainsbury's which would have been more appropriate for your daughter

singlemumbelfast · 04/02/2016 15:01

She didn't even buy her a gift. She just gave her something she'd opened and didn't want Envy

It's so easy to order something online these days. There's no excuse for that

I think it's jealousy. She doesn't really want you to be happy

bigbuttons · 04/02/2016 15:02

But YABU to expect that she would put as much thought into a gift as you do, because people don't.
Thumbwitch the 'friend' clearly hasn't put ANY thought into this gift though, that's the problem.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:05

If a friend of mine had just had a baby after several rounds of fertility treatment I'd probably give her an extra special gift. I may be wrong but giving such an obviously recycled present sounds a bit calculated to me. As though she wanted to demonstrate how far down her pecking order you are.

As for the other behaviour of her's you've described, well she sounds like a bit of a dead loss as a friend.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:06

For instance she had a baby shower - which we also all took gifts too - and then she complained that some people didn't bring a second gift when the baby was born.

Seriously, what a pain in the hole!

I'd ditch her.

3point14159265359 · 04/02/2016 15:06

aeroflot, I am delightful, you're right! Grin

I posted in haste (and in grump) so probably sounded shorter than I meant to. But in all seriousness, I hate hate hate being expected to spend time or effort trailing 2 little DC round the shops, looking for something 'thoughtful' that most likely won't be wanted or used.

And almost as much, I hate having to give cupboard space to stuff I don't want or need and more likely than not, won't use. And I hate having to listen to same friend stress about her lack of time/money/sleep knowing its at least in part because she does these massive gestures in giving for everyone.

And then I often have to listen to her complain that no-one does same for her.

But I do think a lot of people who do handmade presents are setting themselves up to be disappointed when others don't reciprocate at the same level.

Valentine2 · 04/02/2016 15:07

If it's a lot of things like you mentioned, I would be damned pissed off too.
I once received a gift like that. In a blue shopping bag too. That felt terrible.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:07

'I hate hate hate being expected to spend time or effort trailing 2 little DC round the shops, looking for something 'thoughtful' that most likely won't be wanted or used.'

There's this new fangled thing called internet shopping! It's a wonder Wink

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 04/02/2016 15:08

YANBU at all. I suspect 'because she has a small baby' is the excuse that is trotted out all the time - even in this age of one click ordering, when you can get it wrapped and delivered direct to the recipient's door?

No. She didn't want to. For whatever reason, and chose to give an opened present to her child (what an insult - to you and to the person who gave it to her!) to you instead.

And of course we don't give to receive - but in this instance it would have been better to give nothing, or just a card and a heartfelt message rather than what she did give.

singlemumbelfast · 04/02/2016 15:10

To the people going on about shopping with kids. Yes it's never easy. That's why she should have ordered something online.

It takes about 10mins to buy something online so I think she would of had time. She just didn't care enough to bother

Notonthestairs · 04/02/2016 15:10

OFGS you have a baby and then you don't have to put any thought in to your mates presents, really? How long does the thoughtful gift moratorium last? I must be superwoman (I'm not) because I managed to give some thoughtful gifts to those I care about (not handmade and not necessarily their ideal gift but I've always tried hard) and I've had two. Op you don't sound grabby to me and YANBU.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 15:14

Well it's true lovelyfriend she doesent! It shows through her gift to op after undergoing fertility treatment, she presents her with a secondhand item, nice! Yet expects a lot from friends herself, double standards eh!

ScarletForYa · 04/02/2016 15:16

Yanbu

That's tight. I hate obviously recycled stuff. Very insulting.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 15:19

3point, I don't do the handmade stuff myself, but this friend sounds like it's someone op considers a close friend, I do buy something nicE, not very expensive for a close friend. I would never dream of regifting something like that, probably give to charity.

LovelyFriend · 04/02/2016 15:20

Only if you believe that love is shown through the purchase and giving of unneeded material objects. which is a pretty shallow idea.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:21

Well the OP's pal clearly does LovelyFriend!

'For instance she had a baby shower - which we also all took gifts too - and then she complained that some people didn't bring a second gift when the baby was born.'

LovelyFriend · 04/02/2016 15:23

but is seems that most people on this thread believe gifts must be purchased or made and given at certain time to validate feelings and relationships.

So I accept my view is in the minority. which really is a shame.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2016 15:24

lovely if you read op subsequent posts, she sounds flakey and totally insincere anyway. Yes you would think a good friend would make more effort.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/02/2016 15:24

Of course YANBU. That is cringily tight.

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/02/2016 15:25

Well lovelyfriend - it seems the OP's friend certainly expected gifts and complained when enough weren't forthcoming.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:25

But the thread isn't about landfill and whether we buy too much stuff, it's a thread about someone snubbing a kind friend.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/02/2016 15:31

I agree with you there LovelyFriend
To me a lot of people place a slightly weird importance on gift exchange
But I try to understand people are different and there are different ways to express affection.

It can be challenging for some people to put a lot of time and thought into buying a pressie. But people are always saying "It's the thought that counts"
as though that's something everyone can do equally well.

HanYOLO · 04/02/2016 15:31

Sort of get why you would be a bit hurt

But

some people are just crap at gifts

you never really know what is going on in people's lives so if they can't sort a present at some time there is often a reason

it is not a reflection of the value she places on your friendship. At All.

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