To be slightly hurt by this baby gift?

[Givinguph0pe]

My friend had a little boy last year - her first - and I made him a picture with his birthdate and weight etc on and had it framed (it was nice, I'm quite artistic, in fact she didn't realise I'd made it at first) it took quite a long time and as well as that I bought him a little outfit and a special book that had his name in the title.

I've just had my dd after several rounds of fertility treatment and friend came to see us and has obviously given us a gift for her ds that she'd had but didn't want. I know this because firstly it's blue and secondly it had been opened! It's a gift set thing with a towel and a snuggle blanket. Now obviously dd doesn't care if it's blue or not but I'm slightly hurt by the lack of thought and also slightly cross that she must think I'm stupid if I don't realise!
I shouldn't be surprised. She has form for this. She isn't badly off by the way, but it isn't the money. It's the lack of thought. My other friend had printed out a framed picture of dd for me. Inexpensive but thoughtful and lovely.

Aibu to be slightly hurt by the lack of thought?

Okay, Mitzy, you're right on the first point I can confirm I did not mean to be so rude

On the second though, nope, why would she go to the trouble of turning up at all with something, if not to be helpful/supportive in whatever way? she made an attempt and gave OP a clean, new even if seal was broken, vitally useful towel and blanket set. The items in the set are new. I think OP is adopting a rather precious, entitled and materialistic attitude that assesses value of people by material factors. What if friend has no money to go and buy a whole load of gifts right now? what if friend has no sleep, ever, and is quite down? what if friend thought 'ah, I never used this lovely set it's new and fluffy I'm sure it'll come in handy for a new baby' without factoring in things like gendered stereotypes first

If she wasn't being nice/helpful she would not have bothered at all. Even then, there may be a reason that has nothing at all to do with OP. If OP likes her as a person, then that's what matters - not gifts here and there on a running tally of who gave what and when and how pissed off is OP today with her flaky friend. That's what made OP seem like a friend I wouldn't want to have, if I am to be judged by those standards and not by who I am a as person and what i contribute in terms of my friendship, support, etc.

Hixie by all means keep giving crap gifts if it makes you feel better.
Keeping up with the Joneses may be part of your culture but it is not part of mine.

Giving I see where you are coming from- it was painfully obvious to you that a Thomas the tank engine gift set was not chosen for your DD... If I've got you figured out I bet you would have been happy even if she had got together some of her ds old gender neutral clothes from when he was newborn like starter things eg vests and the like - more thoughtful as to what you might need. Don't let it bother you too much... Just regift it back to her again at her sons birthday

I think OP is adopting a rather precious, entitled and materialistic attitude that assesses value of people by material factors.'

Hmmm. I assume you haven't read the part where the OP says her friend was pissed off that some people didn't give her separate gifts for baby shower and baby's arrival?

Yeah, the friend doesn't sound precious, entitled or materialistic at all.

If she wasn't being nice/helpful she would not have bothered at all.'

But she didn't bother. That's the point.

Yanbu - I once got a used toy as a gift for my newborn from relatives. We had bought new outfits for theirs when newborn. You don't expect that everyone puts in the same levels of thoughtfulness when choosing presents but I think it's better to not give anything than just giving old tat.

If it's the thought that counts, then sometimes it can hurt a bit if someone clearly hasn't given it any.
I have received gifts that, whilst not something I would have chosen myself, have clearly had a lot of effort and thought put into them. I am grateful. It isn't about how much is spent either.
I have received gifts that have pretty much screamed "I could not be arsed". I shouldn't care, I don't give to receive, heck I should just be glad I'm getting a gift, but I am human. Sometimes it hurts and causes you to mentally re-evaluate the friendship. The one time I did that, it was due to a number of incidents in a row and the crappy Christmas gift that was the final straw. I compared it to the gift I had given her, the gifts she had given to other friends and suddenly connected the dots with previous incidents.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, op. You've only mentioned gifts, but is your friendship a little unbalanced in other ways too?

Right. OP and her friend are both unreasonable. Her friend may have reformed by now though. Thus OP is unreasonable.

I would be very , very hurt

Sorry but it takes 5 minutes to pop to your local supermarket and buy a congratulations card and a bunch of flowers- even if you are doing it on the way to visit the new Mum and baby.

I would never expect a gift of anyone if I had a child. But re gifting something that is obviously re gifted is just rude IMO.

This thread has reminded me that I hate that guff and I really hate 'gift' being used as a verb.

Wardy1993 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:47:19
Just regift it back to her again at her sons birthday

This, Op! Is her son's birthday coming up soon? She should be thrilled to get this set, just as thrilled as you were.

Totally serious, regift it back to her.

It sounds to me like she's a tiny bit jealous that you had a girl, OP. There's something for quite pointed about passing on an unwanted gift for her boy to your new baby girl.

Even better than regifting it, give her DS a Disney Princess pyjama set or something.

Haha yes mackerel!

YANBU from me. I am crap at buying presents but getting something for a mew baby is the easiest gift in the world to buy - it requires no more effort than clicking a button on amazon! She is a shoddy friend - really lazy and thoughtless. If a friend cba to even think about you then they are not worth keeping in your life.

Regifting so blatantly wasn't a very classy move from your friend, but to be hurt by it seems a bit much (& a touch paranoid). I'd probably find it funny.

You have a lovely, healthy baby daughter, after years of fertility treatment. Congratulations. Enjoy her. Don't get your knickers in a twist over a goddamn towel set.

YABU
The gifts are not the important part. I would be pleased with a blanket as it's useful. Less pleased with a photo frame as I'm not one for clutter. Either way I'd say thanks and be pleased they'd brought anything. At least a blanket can be regifted if it's unwanted! Very practical. But I'm not a very sentimental person. We're all different.

At least you can use it! I see nothing wrong woth regifting unused presents and I regularly give away things my children have grown out of too. Too much new stuff anyway I think. But my most annoying regifted baby presents was a baby photo album from a friend with multiple kids who plainly didn't want it herself. I have offered it (for free!) for years since then and it keeps escaping the charity box runs. And I see it and feel resentful of said friend as it reminds me when I see it of her lack of generousity even though in reality it doesn't matter one whit! She did however use to be a generous person and since having kids and a big mortgage it has made her tight, and that's a shame because she's still a kind person and these things don't really matter. And I think all these complex thoughts every time I see the album!! It just needs to go to the charity shop. Do the same with the blanket if it bothers you! Life's too short!

Just scanned the whole thread and agree with LovelyFriend. I also can't believe how many people judge friends on the gifts they give. You can't buy friendship!

Shit present. No thought gone into it.

Some people are really rubbish at gifts.

I am. Sadly, I also don't always get when people give me a meaningful gift, either, it's just not how I receive or give affection. A gift is a gift to me. I really struggle if people expect something deep from a gift from me!

She didnt buy you a present OP, but you made her a picture so didnt buy that either. Frames arent expensive unless it was made of solid gold. A oufit too and a book. Well I would consider that excessive, especially considering that you KNOW she isnt as generous as you are and she has form for it. Why did you get her so much.

She gave you a towel and blanket, very useful. Just in the future dont give her as much.

I am really surprised by the responses on here. It's a gift, who cares if no thought went into it? It's much easier in life not to have high expectations around stuff like this. I base my friendships on other factors - whether someone's there for me in my time of need, for example.

Totally agree - some people are just not great at gifts. I count myself among them - I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time with just making it through the day without having a meltdown and if one of my friends was going to be offended because I hadn't "put enough thought" into a gift then they wouldn't be the friend for me. I wouldn't have noticed if someone had neglected to give me anything at all, even after the birth of my twins after "several rounds of fertility treatment", just like you OP.

Fair enough if she's wanting in other areas as a friend. You remind me of an friend of mine who had a go at me recently for "not putting enough effort into our friendship". I'm sorry, but I'm 45, in the middle of a divorce, and with two young children to look after. I'm not 15, I don't even think in those terms! Friendships either work or they don't, and if they don't that's fine, it's not meant to be.