What would make you uncomfortable as a house guest

[0christmastree5]

I don't want to say much but have an unwanted house guest, how can subtly make them leave of their own accord? I'm too cowardly to say FO

Ooh how rude of them.

Could you have a blazing row with your OH? Give cheeky houseguest all the ironing/DIY to do? Invent another guest who is arriving at the weekend (beg or bribe someone)?

Tell them you're going away on Wednesday but as you'll need to leave v early, would they mind setting off on Tues?

Or you've got other visitors coming so would they please strip the bed after they get up tomorrow and bring the sheets down, so you've got time to get the room ready?

Or just tell them to bog off.

A really strong smell of a plug-in air freshener
Wind chimes directly outside the bedroom
Constant music that I didn't like

Have very loud and enthusiastic sex. A lot.

Join or found a cult.

With compulsory early morning rituals. And chanting.

And an active, persistent recruitment drive.

How long have they been with you?
Hours, days or weeks?

Yup, introduce compulsory Naked Tuesdays.

Ask them if they want to sign up to your forever living team and keep shouting inspirational quotes at them.

Tell them that you have to go out- so they should probably leave- then go for a walk round the block

Magpie's is the winner!

Having to ask for food/drink. Stop feeding and watering them. Eat in front of them of course.

If you only fed Mr tiny portions I'd soon decide to leave.
Make it too hot or too cold in their bedroom, play a recording of a leaky tap through the night.

Also, farts. Eat some beans and popcorn

Start walking around naked, most people find that both uncomfortable and inappropriate
According to mn, having loud sex should work well too to make them run for the hills

Leave the bathroom door open when you go to the loo?

Love it Iam.

You could always mention your DCs sleepwalking tendencies and frequent, violent nosebleeds. "Just as well we've got used to the sight of blood, but if you're not used to seeing people covered in blood it's quite.. well.... Actually, if I'm honest it isn't so bad unless he's talking as well, sometimes he can sound quite eerie in his sleep..." If you can rope your DC in to whisper 'I see dead people!' behind the door, so much the better..

How long have they been staying with you? (not relevant - I'm just being nosy!)

I guess I'd take the next opportunity, when you're eating with him/her or watching tv etc.. to say "Well, it has been lovely having you here. I'm afraid January is a very busy month for us with work and other commitments. I'm afraid we won't be able to continue hosting you after X date." Yes, it WILL be awkward to say - no way around that sorry. Hopefully your guest will instantly realise they have outstayed their welcome and will play along.

Can you borrow a dog you're 'looking after' for a friend? The dog always sleeps in the spare room. It's her safe place.

Sunrise begins with a loud soundtrack of Gregorian chanting. All food served will be lentils and beans. Primal scream sessions in the living room.

Another vote for Naked Tuesdays.

You could also try turning the heat/electricty/water off

Bugger. Electricity.

Yes, turn the heating/electricity/water off at random intervals and when s/he comments, look puzzled and say, 'We had the vicar round - it's to do with the burial site? Burial something, anyway.'

Then hide a bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe and play white noise from your phone in loud bursts, at 3am. Feign ignorance.

Some bad-taste CDs played loudly at 'getting up time '

Accidentally getting on their bed in the middle of the night as dh was snoring. You always go for the spare. Forgot they were still in it.

Start handing them dusters, iron, vacuum cleaner, loo bleach every time you pass them.

Give them a shopping list for the next few meals (fillet steak, wine, giant box washing powder, anything big/expensive/heavy!)

Get them gardening!

We need more info so as to hone the advice: did you invite them/did they just turn up/ have they been there for hours/days?