What would make you uncomfortable as a house guest

[0christmastree5]

I don't want to say much but have an unwanted house guest, how can subtly make them leave of their own accord? I'm too cowardly to say FO

Or you could try my step mother's trick of getting them to pay for lunch out one day then making a picnic / lunch for everyone EXCEPT them the next day

Ask them to leave?

Stare at them.

Look pointedly at the door.

Repeat.

Tell them you're sick with something highly contagious. Bubonic plague, perhaps?

Get a parrot.

Put rat traps down around the house.

You can't come on and not say too much, it's the law to spill about unwanted houseguests!

They're part of the holy trinity:
Unwanted house guest
Bridezilla
Twatty neighbour

Okay I've made that up but do spill.

Being ignored or spoken about behind my back - SIL has done this to me and I am never going to her house again .

Disclaimer - it is SIL who is difficult not me!!

Incense, weird chanting, no heating, all windows open, emotional outbursts, strange diet of air or crumbs or pigeon eggs.

Pack their bag, put their coat by the door, strip their bed, then open all the windows and put your coat on - hand them their bag as they pick up their coat (which they will need to do as it is so cold indoors with the windows open) and open the front door, waving a cheery goodbye and herding them out...

Tell them you are coming down with the bubonic plague/ flu/ a highly contagious skin disease.

Or ask them to leave.

Walk around naked? that would shift me, blazing row with someone would also do it, even have a fake one on the phone?

make out the heating and water has gone?

Just be assertive! Sit them down, and say it's been lovely to see them and you feel you've really bonded over x and y. But, unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and you need to set an final date for the visit, because of future plans - work/travel commitments/you want to redecorate the house quite soon and it'll be disruptive to have someone around for that.

I am a little bit worried about this. A relation who is socially tone deaf is a very different thing from a partner or former partner who is simply refusing to leave. What is going on, OP?

Those horrible air freshener things that squirt out every so often. Stick one of those in every room, that should sort them. Though you might have to evacuate yourself as well.

Ask for a contribution to the bills. Of course, if it's a friendship you want to continue, just not in your home, that's a bit final.

Time to dust off this thread I think!

I like the idea of stripping the bed and getting their bag/coat ready, then you can say "oh I thought you told me you were going on Tuesday, oh i'd love you to stay longer but we have someone else coming to stay now get the fuck out "

Accidentally getting on their bed in the middle of the night as dh was snoring. You always go for the spare. Forgot they were still in it.

My OH once did this whilst my mother was in there.

He gets a warning whenever we have guests now.

My vote is to get pots of paint, and brushes and pop them outside their room and tell them that today is the day. When they ask 'eh?' You say 'we are decorating the room today, I'm sure we told you, never mind, what time are you off as I need to get everything out of here asap. Ta'

Start getting into bed with them at night. As soon as they retire follow them and tell them you feel "lonely"

Fleas

Put everyone on the Cabbage Soup Diet

After they have gone to sleep strew the floor around the bed with lego and other assorted caltrops plastic toys.

Then go outside the door and shout "Fire"

Turn the boiler off

Tell them you're going on holiday in 3 days so the house can be fumigated for bedbugs

Start major renovation works

Sorry it's taken so long to add anything. I didn't want to out myself but fuck it, I've had it.

Thanks for your hilarious suggestions, some have been employed and worked... I think, but he his back....

Unwanted guest turned up "to help" and stayed three weeks, it was hell. I did the following to ensure they didn't feel too comfortable.
Cooked and served lentils and vegetable soup for tea a lot, it was obviously not a favourite of theirs so I cooked it more.
I didn't notice the whereabouts of heating controller so it couldn't be switched on.

I let the dog wake him up very early, and ignored it rummaging through his bags and sleeping on this bed.
He was occupying a downstairs room and it was very annoying, messy and I'm a neat freak.
He left amicably. Hooray! But is not back ...... For a month. Sleeps in a b&b but spends every evening and weekend velcroed to my dh. Then brings me his washing, he is not British and used to happily wander about in his y fronts Ewwwww.

Not- now . He is now back for a month

Put something bright red in with his washing and crank the heat up. See how good he looks in shrunken pink clothing.

Cheeky fecker bringing his washing!

As for wandering about in Y fronts ewwwwwwww!

Is he a friend of your DH?

Is so you have a DH problem and not a houseguest one.