What would make you uncomfortable as a house guest

[0christmastree5]

I don't want to say much but have an unwanted house guest, how can subtly make them leave of their own accord? I'm too cowardly to say FO

[Wauden]

I know this is thread dates back, but I would be interested to know what happened.

[OhWotIsItThisTime]

I think it's odd that your dh is allowing you to be treated like this. I would not put up with this.

Tell your dh you need to talk. And ffs stop doing this man's laundry and start pulling him up when he puts you out. You are not a servant.

[fluffiphlox]

Is your house guest still in residence?

[GeekLove]

I was going to say what schwab said...

Can you access the joint account if you have one? Take yourself and the children to a nice hotel at H's expense?

But really I would be bagging up his friends stuff and putting it out the back.

[0christmastree5]

Schw ... That's creepy..... Creepy you are so right

[StayWithMe]

Stop doing anything for him. He wants guests, he looks after them.

[Kit30]

Worse than unwanted houseguests - unwanted holiday house guests invited by DH every year despite protests by me and children. How can we 'persuade' him to stop? Btw we rent here in uk for a couple of weeks because DH not keen on flying ( although okay for business which he 'must' do. Guests don't lft a finger and expect to be entertained to boot. Divorce looming

[2rebecca]

I agree this "friend" definitely wants to be the number one person in her husband's life. He's behaving as though he's staying with them for a 1 week holiday not as though he's moved to the UK for the foreseeable future.
He sees himself as having a more dominant role in the OP's house than the OP and does seem to just view her as the house servant.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

If it wasn't for the cultural expectations theme this would sound rather as if the "friend" is actually trying to take on the "wife" role, but with OP sticking around, demoted to " unpaid maid, laundress, cook, housekeeper and nanny" (so domestic slave then...) with the side benefit you also bring money into their home...

He sits in your seat in the car, in the front next to DH while you sit in the back.
He sits in your seat at the dinner table while you serve him and his DH dinner.
He sits in your place on the sofa, sprawls out and sleeps there so you can't sit on the sofa.
He wears your slippers.

If you'd taken yourself off to the B&B he'd have moved into your bed, wearing your nightwear...

Not saying its a sexual relationship obviously - sounds rather as if he wants to be in the OP's "place" in a whole lot of very literal senses though!

[fluffiphlox]

You could also remind them that this is 2016.
I'm quite liking the thought of man in tatty y fronts and (maybe) pink bunny slippers.

[GruntledOne]

I feel so bloody guilty now to think I've upset their friendship.

You haven't, really, because this isn't "friendship" in the normal sense of the term. How many of your friends would you expect to have welded to your side with your DH waiting on them hand and foot after a hard day's work, to the extent of doing their washing and lending his slippers? I don't really know how you could describe this relationship, to be honest, but it would definitely be much better if it would revert to a normal friendship - i.e. with the other person having his own home and life and just meeting up occasionally with your DH and only coming to your house if you invite him.

OP, I hope you've made it absolutely clear that you won't be washing the friend's things, or cooking for him, or in fact doing anything for him at all?

[OTheHugeManatee]

OMG OP. You have a serious husband problem. He wanders around in his pants, makes sneering comments about 'women's work' and wears your SLIPPERS????? He has to go

[Wineandrosesagain]

Clearly the DH is the problem here. I would suggest YOU tell the 'friend' you now need some family time and can no longer accommodate him. At all. Please go home. Seriously, I would be beyond caring what size of an argument with not-so-D H ensured - I'd say bring it on.

Alternatively, suck it up and buy some new slippers.

Sorry to sound so unsympathetic Op, but blimey, you should have kicked the bastard out long ago.

[StayWithMe]

Fuck the 'more self sufficient'! He should be telling him to leave! Please please please don't tell me you're happy for this prick to stay if he does his own laundry? He needs to GO and if his family are so concerned about him, why the Fuchs don't they take him in? Where are you going to draw the line OP?

[Jux]

[sjock]

"Those are mine. Take them off now. You have to ask if you want to use someone else's things."

I am disgusted with your dh. If he is so concerned about what his side think then he needs to set an example to his friend about expected behaviour in your home and the respect due to others.

If he and his friend don't like that then they need to think very hard about what they are doing in this country.

[AcrossthePond55]

Wait, what? This isn't your culture? No wonder you're at your wit's end!

You need to be sure his conversation isn't " Sorry, pal, you know how women can be. Need you to 'cool it' for awhile on the laundry deal. Ochristmas doesn't 'get' the way we do things."

It should be "Hey pal, I just realized that you and I have been taking advantage of Ochristmas's good nature. You need to do your own laundry and not be hanging out here all the time. I appreciate your help with my business, but I'm good now. You can book your ticket home."

[OnlyLovers]

a long silent treatment

How childish.

Bollocks to 'being more self sufficient'. It's time for him to stop hanging around your DH and in your house all the time. If they need to meet or socialise they can go out sometimes, can't they? And stop feeding him, or invite him to dinner once a week or something. And obviously no more washing.

And just tell the tosser 'Those are MY slippers. Take them off. Please don't wear them again.'

[0christmastree5]

Thanks to everyone, I appreciate your comments, advice and funny suggestions.
After a long silent treatment following an argument about this my dh has agreed to talk to his friend about being more self sufficient. I've told him I feel put out at him investing so much of himself with his friend leaving nothing, I mean nothing, for our children and me.
I understand abit more about the cultural difference but it's not my culture, I'm an only child with no parents around so dh has no idea what being put upon is like, not that I find this shit acceptable. Ffs his friend has started wearing my slippers!!!!!

[OnlyLovers]

Totally agree with rebecca, Chazs and Pond.

Screw the 'upturned shit bucket' (EXCELLENT phrase, BTW ).

Screw feeling 'selfish' for wanting your own house back.

It doesn't matter if 'nobody else but [you] is particularly unhappy.' YOU are unhappy and it's YOUR house and YOUR husband.

Don't waste energy on feeling guilty about their friendship.

YOU are not the one behaving badly. Pretty much this whole thread agrees about that!

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't feel guilty. It's not the 'old country', where you're living now, and I'm sorry but your DH, his friend, and their families need to recognize that you are choosing to adapt to different 'norms' and expectations and there's nothing wrong with that!

I'm old enough to have been 'caught' between traditional women's 'roles' as defined by society and the then-new women's liberation belief that I could be whatever I wanted and reject traditional roles. It was a struggle to make my greater family understand that I (and a few of my cousins) weren't going to be relegated to the kitchen and cleanup crew at family functions whilst the men sat in the living room watching TV. The first time one of my cousins threw a dishcloth at her brother and told him to get in the kitchen and help wash up you've thought she murdered him! It isn't easy to shake things up. Harder still to do it in the face of disapproval. But oh boy, is it worth it in the end!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

The friend probably doesn't see any problem because he is behaving as he would with his own family. DH is North African and in his country the housework burden falls squarely on the women. Guests mean the women do more and the men drink coffee and chat. DH does his own washing and that of the DC when he visits so he doesn't add to their burden.
He understands because he has lived over here for a long time that the division of labour has to be different in this society not just for equality but also because you don't have the extended family back up; there is no grandma or auntie to watch the kids whilst you cook etc.
The visiting friend is working on the pattern he knows and automatically assuming things work the same way here. If he was here for 2 weeks you could live with it but not for an extended stretch of time.
I think your DH needs to have a quiet word even if he tells a few white lies to avoid embarrassment.

p.s. At least in my DH's culture wandering around in your y fronts would be utterly unacceptable

[2rebecca]

Your husband is supposed to care about your happiness. If he ignores it he is being far more selfish than you.
It doesn't matter how many extended relatives are delighted that this bloke is staying with you. It's not their house, they don't get a say. If they love him so much they can have him.
You and your husband are the only people whose opinions matter here, if you hate him being there he should go elsewhere. Spending every spare minute together isn't friendship, it's an exclusive relationship.
Why does he prefer this older man's company to yours? It's all a bit creepy.

[fluffiphlox]

What 'culture' makes you oblivious to the fact that you are taking advantage of someone's hospitality and good nature? Sod them both.

[TheOnlyColditz]

Silent resentful hoovering

[Wombat87]

He'd have been out the door at 'woman's work' with me btw. I salute you.