What would make you uncomfortable as a house guest

[0christmastree5]

I don't want to say much but have an unwanted house guest, how can subtly make them leave of their own accord? I'm too cowardly to say FO

[NotNowBono]

Can you move your mum/teenage relative/grandparent in for a bit? I mean, if he's allowed a house guest, so are you.

[OnlyLovers]

If you won't leave, then tell DH that the next time they go out, you will lock the door and change the locks. (be prepared to follow through if this does happen!)

Seems extreme, but if your DH knows you're not happy and yet allows it to continue (and allows his friend to make sexist comments ), then clearly reasonable methods have not worked and you need to dial it up.

Oh and it wouldn't be 'helping' around the house; your DH isn't a child. It's his responsibility too.

Please can you answer the question some of us have asked – what happens when the friend gives you his washing to do?

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Cut a hole in a kitchen chair and start doing a vagi-steam?

He sounds like a wanker. I'd just completely ignore him, to be honest. And your DH. Cook only for yourself and your children. Don't do any "women's work" for either of them.

[MultishirkingAgain]

As others have said, it's your DH who's the problem, not you or the guest (well he is a problem too).

seriously it's dh house too right?

Yes, but it is shared with at least three other people (you, and you mentioned DCs). It's your house too, so you have the right to make reasonable request, that a house guerst stays for a defined and limited period.

OR:

you don't cook for him/he is not invited to your family meals
you don't shop for him/he is requested to provide his own food
you DO NOT DO his washing
you do not do his cleaning

[BeautyIsTruth]

I'd be tempted to "accidentally" lose the washing. Say you assumed it was rubbish as it was so disgusting and helpfully threw it all away.

Surely your husband can't argue if your children don't like him either? It's their home too, why should they have to put up with some smelly bloke who sits in his pants in their living room all evening. It must impact on family time and your husband spending time with them if he's hanging around like his little shadow all the time.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Given the fact culture must be an issue here, I rather suspect the OP should move her dad in, if he is still living - or both her parents, and any brothers she may have...

[GeekLove]

Looks like your going to go shopping.

Get some big plastic crates with lids. One for his clothes and one for his dirty plates. Make sure they are sturdy so you can leave them outside. Put all the dirty things of his in there.

Coo yourself something special and as he sits down expectantly ask him what he's going to eat.

Any leftovers of his - bin them as part of cleaning the fridge.

Any tasty food of his - 'accidently' eat it

But what is stopping you from being straight with him?

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

You're a better woman than I am. I would have left guests dirty clothes by the machine (and perhaps start leaving DH's clothes there too) as you're no skivvy or maid. You have to be an equal and while you still do their washing, making their dinners etc you never will be seen as an equal.

Let them make their own dinner. But make sure that you and your kids are fed first.

If guest sits in the front seat of the car (where you should sit), stand blocking the car in the drive until they move. He is the guest, not the wife.

You can be assertive without being rude or angry.

You do however need to have a conversation with your DH about how this is impacting on your family life, how the kids are watching and learning by his example and by guests example and that this isn't good for them either.

Best of luck to you with this.

[0christmastree5]

Schw. I'm laughing at your noisey children advice. I've got a recorder, my 3 yo loves it and the saucepan drums. I'm leaving them out tonight.
I like the deadline idea too. No return flight is booked, I know that he wants to continue "helping dh at work". That could be a year. He (dh) will be joining him in the b&b soon if I weren't so gutless. My dh works really hard and long hours, now every waking minute I have to see his friend too, it's driving me mad.
Yes I think there is a culture clash, I'm massively resentful of being and feeling used like a maid, but this is normal for him, my name will be like shit if I make it clear he is not welcome.

[Kintan]

I had one of these recently - a friend of my DH who asked if he could come and stay for a couple of weeks as he was working in the area. Two and a half months later he was still there and was showing no signs of leaving. Tried hinting it was time to go, then my DH sat him down and asked him when he was leaving and only got evasive answers.

In the end it took getting some family members to come and stay for a few days to get him out of the spare room and he went to stay with some other friends. When I realised he was intending to come back after the family had gone, I sent him a friendly message saying how much we'd loved having him there, but we were looking forward to having the place back to ourselves for a few weeks before christmas. After that he got the message.

Nice enough chap, but he never even thanked us, even though our hospitality meant he was able to earn a lot of money without having to splash out on temporary accommodation.

OP I feel your pain, an unwanted house guest means that home doesn't feel like home while they are there.

[TheClacksAreDown]

Two options

One is to have a very clear conversation with DH about boundaries that HE needs to enforce.

Second is to pick on every point. Sits in front seat of car - ask him to move to the back. Presents you with washing - politely say no and refer him to the nearest launderette. Agree with DH that at least one weekend day and 3 evenings are family time and friend will need to understand.

Who cares if your name is mud with this friend? He clearly doesn't respect you as it is.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

So your DH comes from a culture where men are officially more important than women, and he's got a friend living in your home who is reinforcing this message. I hadn't realised that you've got DC, that makes it much worse. Basically they are getting the message than men and women are equals unless you have a houseguest, and then mummy has to do everything to make the Man welcome and is a bad person if she doesn't.

At the very least STOP doing his washing. And your DH's.

[PhoenixReisling]

Send him an invoice for services rendered .

Like others have said, this is not a house guest issue but a DH issue.

Personally, I would be so cross with DH. How very dare he side with his friend man child.

From this point on, agree with certain evenings and at least one day of the weekend as family time. Tell DH you will no longer do his washing/cooking/cleaning as you are not a maid and if he has a problem with that then you won't be doing his either!

[PhoenixReisling]

I meant tell DH you will no longer be doing the cleaning etc for the house guest.

[StayWithMe]

my name will be like shit if I make it clear he is not welcome.

They are both treating you like shit so what odds if your name is like shit. Bty way it's your house too, which your husband would soon find out if you split up. This can seriously affect your relationship if you don't get this free loader out. It's not your fault his life didn't turn out the way he expected it and tbh if he treats everyone the way he treats his best friend's wife, I'm not surprised.

[GeekLove]

Also if he is on the sofa where you want to sit, a few well-aimed bum-drops with your feet in the air will get the message across, along with an innocent 'oops didn't see you there'.

[notquitehuman]

I agree that your DC shouldn't be seeing this. It doesn't matter what culture this freeloader is from, when he's in your house he should fit in with your family's dynamic.

Stop serving him dinner. If he comes to the table expectantly, just say "oh I didn't know you were stopping" and stare him down. Put his laundry in a bin bag and present it to DH so he can clean up after his good friend.

Remember, you shouldn't be the one who feels uncomfortable in these situations. He should. He is the uneaten guest. It's your family home!

[GeekLove]

Actually, start charging for services rendered. Make sure it is at least £8 per hour + parts and labour.

[Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies]

Plug your laptop/ipad in and accidentally leave it open on this page. Oops.

[Pooseyfrumpture]

Sounds like your DH needs to join his special friend in the B&B and then you won't have to run around after either of them.

[Wineandrosesagain]

For god's sake Op, man up! Who cares if your name is shit? Is it preferable to carry on being treated like shit instead? Your DH is being a completely useless twat (I would be so, so angry with him and he would damn well know it). You need to have serious words with him, including suggesting that he moves to the B&B too. And if he doesn't tell his friend to stop coming to your house then you should tell the friend yourself. It's your home!!! This sends a crap message to your DCs. Just get the bastard out.

[OnlyLovers]

my name will be like shit if I make it clear he is not welcome.

WHO CARES? Sorry to shout, but this is really pissing me off.

Your name will be like shit to two grown adults who think it's OK to treat another person like a skivvy. How much does that really matter?

Your kids shouldn't be seeing these men get away with treating you like this.

If you won't just toughen up and tell the man he's no longer welcome, then I'd suggest you cook, wash etc only for yourself and the kids. If your DH says anything, tell him you've told him already you're unhappy with the situation and this is how it is until his friend leaves.

Seriously, OP, sort it out.

[AcrossthePond55]

I could easily and politely tell this freeloader to do his own dirty laundry and tell him to 'move it or lose it' with a bit of a smile about the sofa spot & dinner table spot. But let me tell you this, NO ONE sits in the fucking front seat but ME! DH's single friends know better than to even try.

OP, you'll just need to 'woman up'. Nothing is going to change until you make it. If it's a cultural thing you'd be striking a blow for more than just yourself. And you'll also be laying down the ground rules for any future visits by others.

[celeste83]

In full view of this guest, place your toilet seats and brushes into the dishwasher at the other thread on MN That'll make him leave!

In all seriousness i would have taken the lead long time ago and laid the law down to this guy and said you have to find somewhere else to live by such and such date. No excuses you will be out.