What would make you uncomfortable as a house guest

[0christmastree5]

I don't want to say much but have an unwanted house guest, how can subtly make them leave of their own accord? I'm too cowardly to say FO

Get all on board and invent a Norovirus illness, immediate, violent and debilitating but worst of all SO infectious...You could even record some vomiting noises/groaning.

Sadly I can kind of get the 'my name will be shit' but as I have a different sort of DH, I don't think it will happen to me. It sort of did, a long time ago, but the elder sibling made a huge effort to leave & bought a house within 10 weeks. And I knew that he was making strenuous efforts to do so, so I wasn't as put out.
I think that one thing you might try is say that a male elder relative of yours is coming to stay, very ill (infectious?) needing access to a local hospital for eg, & will need peace & space so your DH's friend must arrange to fly home/move on/whatever. If necessary, preserve the fiction to your DH till friend has gone then get you both into some sort of counselling or this will happen again.
Lots of subterfuge, but I think that you want to avoid WW3 in your wider family, no?

How long is he allowed to stay on his tourist visa? Or is he an EU citizen?

You dried and folded his washing? And didn't iron it?!?!

No really, it is DHs house too, but taht means you both should agree on house guests, durations of their visits and general rules. If you asked someone to move in for 3 weeks and DH mentioned that he thinks the guest should go home now, would you also ignore the request?

I would just tell my husband that if he wants to meet his friend can they please go out and do something together as you're fed up of having him hanging round the house.
Yes it's your husband's house as well but inviting people to stay and having people hanging round the house all done should only be done if the other person agrees.
I would probably start being rude to the "guest" and making it clear that I didn't want him hanging around the house.
OK he has marital problems but if your husband and shadow don't stop playing cozy couples then your marriage has problems too.

OK, give him jobs to do. This man is a stranger and is using as an unpaid drudge.

Tell your dh that if he's going to be under your feet all the time then he will be pulling his weight and you are going to divvy up the work for him and give him chores which you expect to be done with good grace, otherwise he has to go.

Give him the onions to chop, or whatever, and make him lay the table. "If you eat here, you contribute."

DO NOT DO HIS WASHING ANY MORE - that is not how things work in this country - say it again and again about anything.

Make him pull his weight. Blimey, I am getting quite irate.

When you find him slobbing on the sofa say "Haven't you anything better to do?". Turf him out of your seat, and tell him where his seat is, say firmly "THAT'S your chair."

Turf him out of your bit of the sofa. Turf him out of YOUR car. Just tell him "that's my car, you get in the back."

Tell him his contribution to the household is to hoover. Make him to take the rubbish out.

Either he will go, or you will get someone doing a lot of the shit work. Win-win.

I would just be telling my husband he has to decide if he wants to live with me or his friend because living as a threesome doesn't work.
He wants to be married and have his main relationship with me or he wants to get divorced and then live with his friend whose company he seems to prefer to mine anyway. To me it's not just the bloke staying and not helping that's the problem, it's the fact that your husband's conversations and emotional energy is going on his friend not you.
He has to decide who he wants his main relationship to be with.

Tell your DH that he is DH's guest, so DH must do his friend's laundry and DH must prepare and clear away his food and DH must make his bed and attend to his every whim. If they continue to be sexist, be sexist back. Insist guest takes out rubbish every night and mows lawn and washes car every weekend and oils hinges, polishes the whole family's boots, mends every last thing that can possibly be mended, then start them painting the house inside and out.

Focus on your children with Tiger motherish attention. Shush the men every time they talk: DC are doing homework or music practise or watching TV and must not be disturbed. DC need the bathroom for hours on end etc. If guest is a bearable person, get him to do lots of helping DC with homework, history projects, model making, playing ball.

If they won't take hints and won't listen to clear complaints then just make life uncomfortable for them.

So who are these people that would think you had a bad name within the family? Why don't they have this person to stay?

I'm really shocked op- come on! You're not a maid! You're a person in an equal society! It's your home! Chuck the fucker out!! Then have a long, hard look at dh and work out if you really, truly like what you see...

Cultural issues here - of course there are people who would see her as the worst and of course she doesn't want that. I have witnessed this with my mil who is expected to look after random relatives who fancy visiting for weeks/months on end. It isn't an option to refuse.

Obsidian is more or less correct and randoms (to me at least) have turned up over the years, but never for this length of time. We've (dh) had a massive fall out whereby I've said I didn't choose this, I wasn't asked if I mind and I'm unhappy at the triangle that has been created. Dh says he will talk to his friend either tonight or tomorrow. I suspect this will cause an upturned shit bucket for a long time, including with dh's friend's wider family as they have been close for many years. Which is why asserting myself to regain some space seems selfish sort of, nobody else but me is particularly unhappy. Inside when he's lounging about I'm raging but I feel so bloody guilty now to think I've upset their friendship.

You are a far more patient person than I. 1 week is the maximum I can tolerate a house guest. And that's if you travel far. I'm not someone who deals well with it. It works for DP and I as he knows I try. But I get people living in my space and if they are guests of DP's I hate how he goes into holiday mode and thinks he doesn't need to do anything around the house. At all.

If there was no conversation tomorrow I would advise to completely lose your shit. Just make it obvious. say the words. Who gives a shit if he's upset, he's shown your feelings zero respect. If your DH doesn't back you up tell him to go off to the b&b with him

He'd have been out the door at 'woman's work' with me btw. I salute you.

Silent resentful hoovering

What 'culture' makes you oblivious to the fact that you are taking advantage of someone's hospitality and good nature? Sod them both.

Your husband is supposed to care about your happiness. If he ignores it he is being far more selfish than you.
It doesn't matter how many extended relatives are delighted that this bloke is staying with you. It's not their house, they don't get a say. If they love him so much they can have him.
You and your husband are the only people whose opinions matter here, if you hate him being there he should go elsewhere. Spending every spare minute together isn't friendship, it's an exclusive relationship.
Why does he prefer this older man's company to yours? It's all a bit creepy.

The friend probably doesn't see any problem because he is behaving as he would with his own family. DH is North African and in his country the housework burden falls squarely on the women. Guests mean the women do more and the men drink coffee and chat. DH does his own washing and that of the DC when he visits so he doesn't add to their burden.
He understands because he has lived over here for a long time that the division of labour has to be different in this society not just for equality but also because you don't have the extended family back up; there is no grandma or auntie to watch the kids whilst you cook etc.
The visiting friend is working on the pattern he knows and automatically assuming things work the same way here. If he was here for 2 weeks you could live with it but not for an extended stretch of time.
I think your DH needs to have a quiet word even if he tells a few white lies to avoid embarrassment.

p.s. At least in my DH's culture wandering around in your y fronts would be utterly unacceptable

Don't feel guilty. It's not the 'old country', where you're living now, and I'm sorry but your DH, his friend, and their families need to recognize that you are choosing to adapt to different 'norms' and expectations and there's nothing wrong with that!

I'm old enough to have been 'caught' between traditional women's 'roles' as defined by society and the then-new women's liberation belief that I could be whatever I wanted and reject traditional roles. It was a struggle to make my greater family understand that I (and a few of my cousins) weren't going to be relegated to the kitchen and cleanup crew at family functions whilst the men sat in the living room watching TV. The first time one of my cousins threw a dishcloth at her brother and told him to get in the kitchen and help wash up you've thought she murdered him! It isn't easy to shake things up. Harder still to do it in the face of disapproval. But oh boy, is it worth it in the end!

Totally agree with rebecca, Chazs and Pond.

Screw the 'upturned shit bucket' (EXCELLENT phrase, BTW ).

Screw feeling 'selfish' for wanting your own house back.

It doesn't matter if 'nobody else but [you] is particularly unhappy.' YOU are unhappy and it's YOUR house and YOUR husband.

Don't waste energy on feeling guilty about their friendship.

YOU are not the one behaving badly. Pretty much this whole thread agrees about that!

Thanks to everyone, I appreciate your comments, advice and funny suggestions.
After a long silent treatment following an argument about this my dh has agreed to talk to his friend about being more self sufficient. I've told him I feel put out at him investing so much of himself with his friend leaving nothing, I mean nothing, for our children and me.
I understand abit more about the cultural difference but it's not my culture, I'm an only child with no parents around so dh has no idea what being put upon is like, not that I find this shit acceptable. Ffs his friend has started wearing my slippers!!!!!

a long silent treatment

How childish.

Bollocks to 'being more self sufficient'. It's time for him to stop hanging around your DH and in your house all the time. If they need to meet or socialise they can go out sometimes, can't they? And stop feeding him, or invite him to dinner once a week or something. And obviously no more washing.

And just tell the tosser 'Those are MY slippers. Take them off. Please don't wear them again.'

Wait, what? This isn't your culture? No wonder you're at your wit's end!

You need to be sure his conversation isn't " Sorry, pal, you know how women can be. Need you to 'cool it' for awhile on the laundry deal. Ochristmas doesn't 'get' the way we do things."

It should be "Hey pal, I just realized that you and I have been taking advantage of Ochristmas's good nature. You need to do your own laundry and not be hanging out here all the time. I appreciate your help with my business, but I'm good now. You can book your ticket home."

[sjock]

"Those are mine. Take them off now. You have to ask if you want to use someone else's things."

I am disgusted with your dh. If he is so concerned about what his side think then he needs to set an example to his friend about expected behaviour in your home and the respect due to others.

If he and his friend don't like that then they need to think very hard about what they are doing in this country.

Fuck the 'more self sufficient'! He should be telling him to leave! Please please please don't tell me you're happy for this prick to stay if he does his own laundry? He needs to GO and if his family are so concerned about him, why the Fuchs don't they take him in? Where are you going to draw the line OP?