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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

318 replies

beltedmaisy · 27/11/2015 13:45

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning Hmm when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

OP posts:
UmbongoUnchained · 27/11/2015 13:47

Yabu!! He wants to surprise his mum with a present! She has no living family so who else is going to do it? It will take you 2 minutes!

inlawsareasses · 27/11/2015 13:48

Why? It must be difficult for the little one what's the harm?

FlameProofBoots · 27/11/2015 13:48

I don't see the problem really.

At least she didn't ask you to buy her a present. I think it's quite nice for her to have got something for him to give to her.

Fannycraddock79 · 27/11/2015 13:49

YABU, she didn't ask anything if you, purely just to wrap a present she had bought for herself so that he wouldn't worry she got nothing. I appreciate you do a lot for her abs it sounds like she does too but I'm not seeing where she's being PA, sounds like she's just looking out for her son.

Tiggeryoubastard · 27/11/2015 13:51

God you sound, at best, heartless. It'll take 5 minutes to wrap it with him. Actually I don't believe anyone is really such a petty twat.

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 27/11/2015 13:51

All she has asked is that you wrap a present from her DS to herself? Wow, I feel for your DN, has no-one ever taken him to buy a gift for his mum? Poor lad.

YABU.

Original poster
beltedmaisy · 27/11/2015 13:52

Sorry I should explained a little better, the reason I find it so PA is that its an obvious dig at the fact we'd forgotten her birthday a few weeks ago when she makes a bigger deal of them than we do (as I say, probably more by way of thanks)

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 27/11/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/11/2015 13:52

Your anger is misplaced, it is your DB you should be angry with, he should be the one helping his 5 year choose, wrap and give a present to his Mum.

WipsGlitter · 27/11/2015 13:53

How mean are you!!

She gets not Christmas or birthday present so buys her own and you refuse to wrap it for her. Even if she is dropping a hint for your DB to get her a token from their child, it's not that much to ask.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 27/11/2015 13:54

Yab totally unreasonable - you're wrapping presents anyway i presume, it's only one more and it's for your nephew's benefit more than ex sil's!

I have lots of memories of being little and wanting to buy my divorced parents christmas and birthday presents but not having any money (we're talking when i was maybe 4-8?) or opportunity to go to the shops without them and just not knowing how! It really really upset me at the time as i felt like such a bad daughter and i wish a family member or the other parent had helped me out a little bit so i could have something to give them. I dreaded being asked questions like that by teachers and i think it would be a really kind thing to do for the little boy.

Original poster
beltedmaisy · 27/11/2015 13:54

Of course I don't mind wrapping
wrapping it, I would buy something if he had asked. It's the martyr behaviour I find insulting

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 27/11/2015 13:54
Confused

Need more info. Why is this passive aggressive behaviour?

It's great that you all help out. I find myself feeling very sorry for your SIL.

definitelybutter1 · 27/11/2015 13:54

I make sure that there are presents from ds because ds needs to learn that it is normal to give a gift on a special day. Fuck what the recipient thinks, it's about setting a good pattern for the kid.

gleam · 27/11/2015 13:55

So you don't think your SIL works very hard?

RamblingRedRose · 27/11/2015 13:55

Sorry even with the extra info you still sound really unreasonable. And yes you should get her a present in return for her gifts.

Perfectlypurple · 27/11/2015 13:56

Yabu. If she had other family I am sure she would ask them. Kids do like to give their parents presents.

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 27/11/2015 13:56

You forgot her birthday too? Shock

Jibberjabberjooo · 27/11/2015 13:56

Yabu

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/11/2015 13:56

God almighty. I keep thinking I've seen it all on here. But. No.

She wasn't having a passive aggressive dig at you. She didn't extrapolate until you asked her to

If you're cross with anyone, you should be with your charming, hardworking brother who can't organise himself to get a little token for a young child to give to his mother

I bet your ex-SIL gets something for her DS to give to your brother on his birthday/Christmas.....

SiegeofEnnis · 27/11/2015 13:57

Unless there's some massive backstory you haven't mentioned - and you say there's been no animosity - I don't see anything PA in her behaviour at all. It's natural a five year old would want to give his mother a present, surely? It's not much bother to wrap it with your nephew. At that age we would always have been involved in buying birthday presents with the other parent.

Why would you be giving your ex SIL a birthday present, anyway? I can't imagine she would expect it.

pinkbraces · 27/11/2015 13:57

YABVU and pretty mean as well.

Why doesnt your DB ensure his DC has a present to give to his mum on her birthday and at christmas. Of course your DN is going to be upset not to have a present to give.

The only person being PA is you.

This post has really annoyed me. My sister is a single parent and her ex was rubbish at this as well. My mum made sure she had a present to open from my DN.

TaurielTest · 27/11/2015 13:57

I have a son the same age, he loves to give people presents but doesn't have the means to buy them. Of course I get him (and his brother) a present to give me at Christmas, and I would ask someone else (his dad or my sister probably) to wrap it with him to create at least the illusion that it's a surprise. YABU and rather unkind.

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/11/2015 13:58

I am very sensitive about this as no matter what a shit my ex-H has been I always helped DD get birthday, Christmas and Father's Day presents for him.
He has never ever helped DD and she has been devastated on the actually day that she has nothing for me.
Your SIL is almost certainly the one who had to deal with the sad child.

RabbitSaysWoof · 27/11/2015 13:58

YABU and your brother sounds lazy. I have friends who hate their exes, they still take their kids to choose gifts for them, because they are adults and it's about the children having something to give.

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