To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

[Elllicam]

I also want to buy her a gift

[TheVeryThing]

I don't get this at all. Why are you suggesting that you do all this babysitting as a favour to your ex-SIL, and not for your brother?
Or do you think your precious brother has no responsibility to his son, other than providing the 'very generous maintenance'?
I don't think she sounds martyred or passive-aggressive at all and really can't see what your problem is.
Maybe you should take a step back and work out why you're coming across so badly on this thread.

[3luckystars]

I do too but who will wrap it?

[sugar21]

Somehow I don't think your sil is the person who is spoilt!

[Houseworkavoider]

Your db needs to step up.
I can't see why your dm would take offence to the days off comment

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Are you for real? If you are you are being ridiculously unreasonable, really really unreasonable!!

[molyholy]

So in summary OP, Yes you are being unreasonable. Will you take in on the chin though? I very much doubt it.

[diddl]

"Just to point out, DB is up to his neck with work at the moment"

Yes, because CD, well it's just so unpredicatable & sneaky!

He would have had time to do something with his son when he has him, surely?

[SiegeofEnnis]

I don't understand, from your most recent update, why you think there's anything off about what ex SIL said? All she said was that she was sorry she hadn't been able to arrange her work days to be on your DB's days off, which was presumably why she was asking your DM for childcare - what on earth are you reading into that?

Your remark about your mother being 'fiercely protective of all her sons' makes both you and DM sound like the kind of women who purse their lips, hoik their bosoms, and never think any woman is good enough for their miraculous male.

And what an unpleasant response to the fact that the gift she bought from your DN was a cheap gift set. If she'd bought herself an expensive Jo Malone, you'd probably have read that as extravagance with your DB's Mindy, or a dig at the kind iof expensive present she thinks you should have given her.

Honestly, OP, are you this obsessed with interpreting everyone's actions in the worst possible light? Or is your DB, for instance, faultless?

[TestingTest123]

FFS! Is this a reverse thread? Your poor ex-SIL!

How do you think your DB can work so many hours? Because ex-SIL picks up his slack by working pt and thus putting her own career on the back burner.

If you don't approve of the gift set, get her something nicer as a surprise. Have a word with your DB to make a bigger fuss for his son's benefit.

The comment from ex-SIL to your mum means she's probably struggling to fit everything in (work, childcare, household) because your DB is being rubbish.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Oh and welcome to mumsnet.

[Busybuzzybumblebee]

Unbelievable, she buys her own Xmas present so her son doesn't feel sad about not giving her anything like on her birthday, and you have taken this to be pa. seriously stop being ridiculous you db should have sorted it really and why is your mum takin offence at her saying she couldn't arrange all her work in your dbs day off, frankly you and your mum seem to be trying to find things she's done to insult you. Bizarre and horrid

[SiegeofEnnis]

With your DB's MONEY. I don't know who Mindy is. Maybe she's the DB's luscious PA who organises his 50 hour weeks...

[Shutthatdoor]

There's only one passive aggressive weirdy meany pants on this thread and it's not SIL.

I agree.

Your updates are not validating your 'side' either.

In fact it is making you sound even more unreasonable

[MrsNippyCat]

I suspect, OP , that if she had bought something more expensive for her son to give to her then you would have an issue with that too.

Many, many people are busy with work and work long hours but they can still manage to buy a gift for their child to give to the mum. Put yourself in her position or, if you can't bear that idea, in your nephew's. Remember when you were a kid and how happy you were when your mum was always so delighted with whatever small gift you had given her? Why should your nephew miss out on that?

From what you've said, I don't think ex SIL was having a dig - either about the gift or the comment to your mum.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

OK, cross-posted with the OP.

"Also last week my DM asked when we were needed again and she named the day and said I'm really sorry I did try to organise my working days to be on DB days off, but you know how that goes. "

That sounds like a perfectly decent thing to say to me, OP. To be quite frank, nothing you've said really paints her to be a bad person, she sounds like someone who is trying hard to juggle childcare while her ex gets to ditch all responsibility by paying a 'generous maintenance'.

[Pico2]

What exactly would you have liked her to do in this situation? I think you'd complain about all of the possible options:

ExSIL didn't get her DS a present to give to her for Xmas and he's really sad. How hard would it be for her to have chucked an extra bath set in her Xmas shopping ffs?

ExSIL has asked us to take her DS shopping for an Xmas present for her. As if we don't have enough to do.

ExSIL bought herself an Xmas gift from her DS and sat with him while he wrapped it. That's really sad as he would have liked to surprise her.

[maras2]

You are sounding more unreasonable < and nasty > with every post.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

YANBU. You're a saint. I can practically see your halo shining from here, what with all this looking after of your DN you do, for your ex-SIL (not DB clearly) free of charge.

How very dare DN want you to help him wrap a Christmas present for his mum? What a liberty!

Bloody hell. You really do get all sorts on MN.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I also think that, regardless of how busy your brother is, it is really up to him to organise his son getting a present for his mother - what child wouldn't be upset to realise they've missed their mum's birthday? I know mine would! I have to remind DH to bloody well get them a card to give to me so they're not upset (well the 7yo, the 3yo is a bit young to realise yet). And if your brother is so busy that he can't do it himself, then how hard would it have been for him to text you or your mum and say "would you mind sorting out a present for the ex from DS please?"

So yes, maybe your exSIL is being a bit pass agg, but I can see her point. Just help your nephew wrap it up with a good grace and maybe next year, help him out a bit so that he doesn't get upset again, since your brother clearly couldn't be arsed this year.

[fassbendersmistress]

So, your SIL is a single parent with hardly any living family on her own side, and you and her brother forgot her birthday. if she actually was PA no small wonder...and it was probably down to her feeling really hurt for her DS that the adults in her family are so thoughtless.

Did you not read your OP back to yourself before posting and realise how utterly unreasonable (and unpleasant) you come across?

[sugar21]

I bet you'll take a present from your sil even if it is from the chemist or would that be beneath you?