To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

[SmaDizietSma]

Let's agree to disagree. There's a big difference to everyone coming onto a thread and agreeing and the opposite.

That most posters have disagreed strongly can't have escaped the OPs notice (if they stayed past 53 posts / their last contribution).

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

WhereYouLeftIt In the absence of a "round of applause" emoticon or a "like button" please have the following !

[manana21]

also at the very least, Op had the backup of her DB and her DM, who no doubt agree at how u ex-SIL is hence this climate of making mountains out of molehills, so really, I'm not going to spend much time putting myself in the mental dog house for being unkind to the Op. I am going to check if my divorced friends are getting presents from their DC this xmas though...

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Op couldn't fail to understand her vent had gone horribly wrong after 10 posts"

I disagree, SmaDizietSma. It seemed to me that OP was totally self-absorbed and didn't even seem to consider that other posters just might be right, and that she was being very unreasonable.

She only posted 3 more times, but well enough spaced out to indicate whether she was at all likely to show any understanding of why other posters thought she was unreasonable.

After 7 posts, there seemed to be no such understanding "the reason I find it so PA is that".
Nor after 11 *"It's the martyr behaviour I find insulting".
And not even after 53 posts, "she's trying to make a victim of herself with the gift set (cheap chemist thing with Impulse body spray".

Then she went, and it doesn't seem likely (to me) that she went having first understood that other posters might be right and that she was being very unreasonable.

As to (the surplus) 300 more posters "putting the boot in", again I disagree (although I do acknowledge that I am bound to disagree with you, given that I am one of those posters).
I was actually really rather shocked by the rather nasty undercurrent of OP's posts (it also stuck me as completely ironic that she would accuse her ExSIL of being passive aggressive), and found myself feeling genuine concern for both the ExSIL and her son.

[GruntledOne]

The OP does, what it sounds like, lots of free childcare for the SIL

No, she doesn't. She says that a lot of the child care falls to "our side", not that she does it personally: if anything it looks like her mother does it. And they do it for the child's father, not the SiL.

I would be on my knees with gratitude not making little digs that they should be doing more.

What little digs? There's no mention of anything like that in the OP's posts.

[GruntledOne]

Op couldn't fail to understand her vent had gone horribly wrong after 10 posts

Clearly you're mistaken about that, Sma, given that her post around 45 posts in demonstrates that she hadn't understood that.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

300 more is just putting the boot in.

So the other 290 should have read the thread and thought "Oh, someone has already said what I think, so I dont need to"?

And you would be saying that if every single poster agreed with the OP would you?

[IDependOnCodeineToo]

Well good, hopefully she realised some things about herself and will be nicer to her nephew's mother now. I know that if I had THIS many people disgusted by my behaviour I'd at least self reflect a little.

Plus, a few posters (me included) have decided to think of others who might be lonely and treat them this Christmas - so everyone wins.

[SmaDizietSma]

I agree with you Seagreen, this is the worst thread I've ever read and not because of the ops posts. Op couldn't fail to understand her vent had gone horribly wrong after 10 posts, 300 more is just putting the boot in. Don't blame her for not coming back.

[SuperFlyHigh]

That should have read skim not skin!

[SuperFlyHigh]

seagreen best usually with threads like these to read the whole thread. Rather than just skin through.

Really the OP has come across in her only 3 posts as being extremely nasty, uncharitable etc... Which is why everyone on this thread has said the OP is being VVVVVV UUUUUUU (that's very unreasonable).

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

No seagreen she is doing her DB a favour. She would not be doing it if the child weren't her DN.

If exSIL worked longer hours she would need even more childcare, which I'm sure OP and her charmer of a mother would bitch about, but because she only works p/t she's lazy. The poor woman can't fucking win. All the time DB is the poor sap who has to work 50hrs a week to provide for his own son. Poor DB eh? Perhaps if he's working all these hours and isn't able to help raise his son he should be paying for some childcare, instead he's arranged for his family to do it for free. If OP wants to be pissed off with someone it should be him, he's the one taking the mickey, not exSIL, who tries to work her job around her ex husband, but obviously can't all the time.

[Enjolrass]

That's such a lovely thought. Maybe as many of us that are able to, could do that too. I will be going out with my foster children to buy presents for their families next weekend, and I will also add one for someone who hasn't much family either.

I fell bad that I haven't thought of it before.

I assume that someone in her family organises something. But they may not.

When my mum was a single parent one of my aunties would take us out and help us pick something.

I think I got mum a whisk when I was 5 because I heard her say she needed a new one.

I remember my auntie laughing and getting that and something else and me being proud I had thought of something on my own.

We laugh about it now. So glad mums family were around for us all.

[leopardgecko]

One of my neighbours is a single mum. She doesn't have much family. I think I am going to get her a present. I can't help ops sil but I can do something for someone else

That's such a lovely thought. Maybe as many of us that are able to, could do that too. I will be going out with my foster children to buy presents for their families next weekend, and I will also add one for someone who hasn't much family either.

[seagreengirl]

It is very very rare to see such a level of unanimity on an AIBU thread.

I know, and to be honest, in day to day life, if I were the OP, (i'm not) the SIL presenting me with a little gift to wrap would not have caused a moments thought, let alone made me start a thread about it. However she was getting outrageous levels of abuse and I felt compelled to stand up for her a bit. After all she was doing the DB and SIL a favour.

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

It makes me sad to think Seagreen may be the op. It means she's not tried to see things from her sils point of view and had her eyes opened a bit.
Is it so hard to be kind these days?

I hope it's not the op.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

think again not thing again

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

seagreen
It is very very rare to see such a level of unanimity on an AIBU thread.
If a variety of strangers all come to the same negative conclusion about the OP and her family when only presented with the OP's version events, (which are likely to present the OP in the most favourable light) then just maybe the OP has got it badly wrong.
I get a distinct impression that the OP's family regard looking after DN as the SIL's sole responsibility as DB is far too busy to parent his own child. Therefore, any childcare they do is a favour to her not him. Perhaps they should add up how many hours SIL spends with DN and how many DB does then thing again which parent they are covering for. Additionally, paying maintenance is not a get out of jail card for DB as that is only his share of the cost of raising HIS child I am sure SIL is also paying her share.
Is the DB on his knees with gratitude?

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

has she been raised to believe her brothers are demi-gods?

Certainly sounds like it.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

If MIL is protective of her sons and assuming OP is a woman, does that mean that she doesnt get the same level of protectiveness or has she been raised to believe her brothers are demi-gods?

[emotionsecho]

I don't know how wrapping a small gift with a child is such an arduous task and brings out the "it's not our responsibility we're doing more than enough" comment from the OP.

How can such a simple request have elicited this reaction from the OP? My suspicions are that the OP and her family are constantly on the lookout for ways to be offended by the exSIL, after all they absolutely must be fiercely protective of the precious 'can do no wrong' db.

[Enjolrass]

Hopefully ops sil happens to live near a mner who wants to spread some cheer.

[IDependOnCodeineToo]

That's really lovely Enjolrass.

Same here, I'm going to take a present to someone who deserves one :)

[Enjolrass]

One of my neighbours is a single mum. She doesn't have much family.

I think I am going to get her a present. I can't help ops sil but I can do something for someone else.

[Enjolrass]

I would be on my knees with gratitude not making little digs that they should be doing more.

The only digs have been ones the OP invented