To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

[LovelyFriend]

well really it's your brothers role isn't it? To help HIS child give a gift to his Mum.

And he is falling well short - I don't care how hard he works he is being a rubbish Dad to his son. But yes it would really be nice to help your XSIL and your nephew out.

My XP is really rotten at helping my young DD's give me gifts for birthday/Xmas. So I've kind of stopped trying now. I don't have family here either but XP has a massive family who are very over involved in his life. Thankfully my birthday is a month before his so I mirror his behaviour towards me back at him now. If the DD's want to get him a gift then one of their many relatives can help them sort it out.

Now I take my DD's to a friends shop and get them to choose gifts for me from there. It doesn't matter that I have to pay for it myself - what counts is I get something I really like and my young children can give their mother a gift.

[SuperFlyHigh]

Just posting to mark place.

Can't believe the ways you've tried to justify yourself here how you're so nice to exSIL etc - you really really aren't nice at all so don't fool yourself into thinking you are nice!

Disgusting behaviour by you and your family op no wonder DB and Ex SIL are divorced!

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Odd that OP says DM is fiercely protective of hers sons rather than family - that makes me think it is a reverse.

[CheesyNachos]

tbh the only way I would think badly of the SIL now is if it turns out her hobby is stomping on kittens.

(which would be the dripfeed to end all dripfeeds).

[tattychicken]

This can't be real, surely?

[Enjolrass]

I really don't like my Sil, I would still be gutted if she was buying her own presents so my DNs didn't feel bad. I would go out and get her something, if that was the case.

My kids worry about what I am getting for birthdays and Christmas. Da even gave me a toy of his because dh hadn't got me any toys.

I call reverse I just don't think the OP is really that much of a twat and doesn't know it.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

I sort of want the SIL to be a mumsnetter and find this thread to realise how horrible you are OP, but I also don't because clearly not many people care about her as it is. You sound as bad as your brother.

[MackerelOfFact]

I'm assuming this is a reverse?!

Not only can your family (specifically your DB, but you and DM sound as bad) not manage to give her a gift in return for the ones she gives you, but when she buys a crappy gift set for herself for the sole benefit of DN, you feel put out and that you 'do more than enough already'?!

It'll take all of 5 minutes to wrap the gift set (or just put it in a bag FGS if using paper and scissors is too much effort) and DN will get to feel proud that he's given something to his mum.

If you think it's a crappy gift and not something she would necessarily like, then here's an idea - why not get DB to take his DS to the shops and choose something she might actually like! You know, like normal people?

[oldboiler]

Yes you are being VERY VERY UNREASONABLE. In fact I feel so sorry for your SIL I'm tempted to ask for her address so I can buy her a present myself.

[lunar1]

Why do you see looking after your DN as a favour to your sil, is it not to help your brother or is he not responsible for his child?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I don't buy the whole busy and work thing. I work a lot of hours (more than your DB 24/7 job), but I still find time to make sure my DD has something to give to her Dad for all the important events. Yes sometimes it has been a gift set grabbed in the supermarket, but she always has a gift and a card for him.
I know just how important this is for DD.
Remember the joy is in giving not in receiving.

[MyCatColin]

Despite You saying the opposite, you really don't like her do you?

I simply cannot fathom how you have come to your conclusion from what you have said about her, but tbh I don't think it really matters what's she says or does you and your family are going to find fault.
Someone gave the perfect example by the gift that she has bought, if she had spent a wad of money on something extravagant you would still have cause to put her down.
Also agree that the only thing that I can conclude is the fact she has made you feel shitty about your own behaviour, you are more than willing accept her gifts but cannot bring yourself to buy her a little something back. I don't think she has deliberately set out to show you up but the fact that you took a completely innocent, nice gesture for her ds as a dig against you all, then that itself speaks volumes.

Give the poor woman a break!!!!!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

YABVU
Your DN wanted to be able to be able to give his DM a present and the only adult that could actually be bothered to sort that out was his DM. I expect she doesn't give a damn what the present is, what she cares about is that her DS has something to give her because it matters to him.

Perhaps you should look at this through his eyes?

Can I just point out that you aren't looking after your DN as a favour just for ex SIL but also a favour to your DB - they are both the parents and they both have equal responsibility for your DN. Does you DB thank you for what you do?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

I don't buy the busy with work thing either, aren't we all? Your db just doesn't give a shit.

[needmorespace]

Wow, just wow at your posts OP - yes, yabvvvvu
I cannot believe you read anything remotely PA or insulting into what your ex SIL has done. I wish I could buy her a present myself.
I'm glad I am not related to you.

[AcrossthePond55]

OP, YABU. Your brother should be the one to buy a gift for his ex. And bollocks to excuses about how many hours he works! Most working parents manage to find a spare 30 minutes twice a year (Bday and Xmas) to scout out a nice gift for their child to give the other parent (married or ex). It's so very sad that she has to buy her own, and then be almost apologetic about asking you to spend 5 minutes wrapping it!

I wish I knew where she lived. I'd invite her to my house for Christmas. AND I'd buy her a gift, too.

I just picture her standing in front of you all saying sadly "Please, ex-family, may I have some more?".

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I'm a single parent but atleast I have family. I'd like to send her something wrapped that your DN could give to her. Just so she could have something and he could be happy knowing that he had something to give her.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

Wow this is really the most unreasonable thread ever! It's hilarious that you have assumed that she buys you stuff for your birthday by way of thanks and not because she likes celebrating birthdays - and then you have taken this to justify why you don't need to buy her anything. And the crazy suggestion that saying she couldn't get time off when your DB was working was, in some way, a dig at him just makes you sound weird.

I think the worst thing about all of this is that you have so little sense of how miserly you sound that you aren't ashamed to have posted this on a forum. For the avoidance of doubt: YABU.

[Enjolrass]

Really is was the OP and found this out I would be on the phone to my brother.

It's November the has time to order something on the Internet, the. Get his some to wrap it. Why not choose something with his son.

Does he never see him?

You and your brother are awful

[OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow]

How very sad for both your exSIL and your DN that nobody else cares enough about either of them to sort out a little gift for a child to give to his mummy.

YABU and sneery and mean.

[MrsKoala]

Some people interpret everything others do and say as being about them in some way. I find this quite strange. I can see nothing in what the exSil has said that would be about you or your family. They seem like quite straight forward normal things to say, especially if she is under the impression you like her and are friends.

Poor exSil. How crappy to have no family and no one to get your own child a little something to give you, and shame on your brother. I take it he is also suitably generous as SIL in giving you gifts of appreciation for looking after his child for free? Have you thought that maybe she gives you gifts partly because she thinks you are still family/friends rather than just as gratitude? Having no living family must be quite lonely for her and she might just want to buy you a present. How sad you don't give her a little something back.

I want to secret santa exSil now :(

[Charitygirl1]

'DM is fiercely protective of her sons' = my mum is just as unreasonable as I am

[Birdsgottafly]

""and don't charge SIL""

If your picking up the slack because your Brother is working, then you should be charging him, not her.

That's unless you (and other family members) love and want to spend time with your DN, then it's just extended family time.

Your Brother should be sorting presents with his Son, to give to his Mum, it's an important part of the child's emotional and social development and builds empathy.

But if he won't, then someone else needs to.

[SchnooSchnoo]

How on earth is that an obvious dig?
Your brother is the one at fault here, not your sil. You do realise you are looking after your nephew as a favour to your db, not her. Presumably she works part time so that she can do her share.

What exactly do you think she should have done instead?

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

You sound bloody awful. What a meanie you are!

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity. You know not charging is the norm don't you? As in charging would be shitty?

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help. Or because she's nice and likes you. Or because it's a social convention, or maybe it is to say thank you. Who cares? It's nice.

the reason I find it so PA is that its an obvious dig at the fact we'd forgotten her birthday a few weeks ago. Is it? How do you know this? Surely it's more likely to be for exactly the reasons stated and nothing to do with you.

DB is up to his neck with work at the moment and I know she receives very generous maintenance from him, I never said SIL doesn't work hard but she is only part time whereas he works 50+ hour weeks. And presumably she does more than 50% of the child caring and drudgery?

Have you always been this self absorbed? Why don't you decide to just do this one small thing to do be nice. Go on, be the better person. It might suit you! :)