To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Hang on a minute.. I've just noticed this part of your last post OP.

Also last week my DM asked when we were needed again and she named the day and said I'm really sorry I did try to organise my working days to be on DB days off, but you know how that goes. My DM is fiercely protective over all her sons and ex SIL knows a remark like that wouldn't go down well but of course DM said nothing as she doesn't like to rock the boat.

You seem to be saying that your DM is outraged with the thought that her son may need to spend his days off work looking after his own son whilst his ex is at work? You can't actually be saying that can you?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I still don't see how that remark by exSIL was in any way derogatory to the OP's brother anyway - more likely to be derogatory to her own bosses, surely?

As in, I'm trying to get work on the days that ex is off work to look after our son, but it doesn't always work out that way, that's what happens sometimes.

If your mother is going to take offence at comments like that, OP then she's as bad as you are.

And I don't think that either of you are quite so pleasant to your exSIL as you think you are, since you seem to believe you're doing HER a massive favour, rather than your own brother!!

[mintoil]

YABVVU

Let me see if I have this straight.

EX SIL buys you all presents for your birthdays but you ignore hers. Nice.

She asked you nicely if you would wrap a present from DN to her and this is her being a martyr.

Her trying to get her days at work when DB is off is also wrong because?????

I feel really sorry for her.

[mintoil]

OMG Is this a reverse?

[TheCuttingRdge]

Seriously, OP, you sound horrible.

Your Mum doesn't sound any better.

Have a think why you seem to get such pleasure from being horrible about her. People with empty lives often seem to enjoy being cruel about other people.

[Footle]

My ex lived abroad so I asked my friend to take my 5 yr old shopping for a present for me. Friend was a bit nervous because my daughter had been talking about wanting to buy me a car, but she turned out to be happy with a rather strange candle shaped like a horse's head ( this was pre-Godfather so not too worrying ). They went back to friend's house to wrap it. It's just a normal thing to do. Should you be looking after the little boy if you feel like this about his mother ?

[diddl]

OP, you really do seem determined to think the worst of her!

[LegoRuinedMyFinances]

I really hope this is a reverse otherwise you and your brother need to catch on to yourselves.

Your brother may pay generous maintenance but working those hours sounds like he provides very little in the way of looking after his own son - so your really being used as childcare because your brother can't do it.

You Ex SIL sounds lovely and I'd buy her a gift too.

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

WTAF?! YABVVU and a nasty person as well! Stop reading so much into what she says. Jesus!

[GabiSolis]

I've had another read through this. OP, do you genuinely believe you're in the right here? Because I can't honestly see how that can be possible.

This poor woman, who has no family other than the dubious one she has married into, has her birthday forgotten and then judged by her SIL for asking for a tiny bit of help for her DS to be able to give her a Christmas present. She even apologises if she has to ask for any childcare help FFS. In OP's world, this apparently makes her spoilt and passive aggressive.

You are not only completely unreasonable but also seemingly devoid of compassion and kindness.

[LagunaBubbles]

Just to point out, DB is up to his neck with work at the moment and I know she receives very generous maintenance from him

Whats that got to do with it?

And I'm another one confused by whats so bad about what your SIL said that "wouldn't go down well" with your DM?

[AttitcusFinchIsMyFather]

Her child maintenance should be gift enough for her, huh? Greedy bitch, wanting a cheap chemist gift set from her 5 year old!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Well it takes all sorts.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

I can't be the only one wondering why the SIL & DB broke up? Overbearing family perhaps? The DM being fiercely protective of her sons speaks volumes.
OP you are being extremely u.

[Namechanger2015]

Holy shit. As a single mother I can totally get where she is coming from. It's lovely for children to have a present to give their mother.

Are you feeling bad that you didn't get your ex-SIL anything for her birthday? I can understand from her POV that if she is buying lots of you birthday gifts to thank you for childcare, she might expect a token something in return?

Additionally, I don't think you are doing her a favour with childcare, you are doing your brother the favour since he is too busy to look after his son when his mum can't?

[LegoRuinedMyFinances]

Grumpy - from the attitude of the OP, I could hazard a guess at the reasons for separation... I'd love to her the ex-SIL's side of the story.

[trulybadlydeeply]

TBH, I see a woman, a single parent, who feels rather guilty about asking for help for childcare (she apologised for having to ask) but is also doing her best to maintain links with her son's father's side of the family, and is still generous enough to buy them all birthday gifts. She feels bad for her son that he has no-one who will help him buy a gift for her, so he has arranged a gift for herself that he can give, to make HIM feel better.

My DF died when I was very young, and I had no-one to help me buy gifts for my DM. The first year after his death, a school friend found some cheap glasses in her house, that we wrapped up together and then I gave to her. I never did discover if her parents had noticed that they were missing! As a child of a single parent, I can vouch for the fact that it feels bad that you cannot be supported to go and buy a gift.

I don't understand why you don't get her anything either? She is the mother of your DN, and is someone you see regularly. I have not stopped buying presents for my DSIL, simply because her relationship with my DB has broken down.

OP I don't want to be too harsh, but please just take a step back, and look at it from your DN perspective, and hers. When it's next her birthday, wouldn't you or your parents be able to take him shopping? In fact, what would be lovely is if you did that this Christmas, so that she gets a real surprise and opens something that he has chosen himself.

[Oswin]

Op I hope your still reading. I don't want to sound mean but you really need to change your attitude.
Nothing you have written puts your sil in a bad light. Just you.

[MiniCooperLover]

She bought a cheap little gift from her son to herself because she didn't want her son to be upset at having nothing to give her on Christmas Day because she clearly knew full well your beloved brother wouldn't bother ... And you're moaning about wrapping it with your nephew and making a little boy happy? You should be seriously embarrassed at yourself

[AttitcusFinchIsMyFather]

I would love to hear your SIL's side of this story!

[lucymootoo]

I'm posting again after your reply.

She maybe only bought the cheapie set because she doesn't actually want / need anything so didn't want to spend loads on something that's only to make the child happy.

I don't find her comment about trying to make her days fit around your DBs passive aggressive at all. If he can afford such "generous" maintenance why doesn't he go part time, lower it and they can split the care 50/50.

[TheCuttingRdge]

I actually feel a little bit weepy reading this.

Actually, try and imagine how it feels to realise if you don't buy it yourself, there is literally no one who gives enough of a shit about you to get a little something for your child to give you.

She probably got a cheap set, just to make it clear it wasn't a dig. That it's just about him having something to hand over rather than an expensive gift.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I feel really sorry for her having you, your DB and DM as the only people she can really rely on.

My DD's godmother often takes my DD shopping to get me a present. DD loves it and I give her pocket money for her to save to do it.

My exp took my DD shopping for my birthday present and got me a plant, because my DD asked him. It wouldnt have cost a lot but I appreciated the effort.

[Lndnmummy]

Op, please find some kinder spirit in your heart. You come across as precious, unkind and mean.

You are lucky with a marrige and family intact. Your nephew is not so lucky, be kind.

I think we should all strive to include those who have less than us. It is christmas OP, come on.

[MothertotheLordsofmisrule]

I really hope this is a reverse.

I cannot believe that someone would look at a situation where a small boy was upset because he couldn't buy a gift for his mum (because he LOVES her) and see it as an obvious attempt to make them feel bad.
And yes your precious brother should be stepping up to the mark and looking after the emotional well being of his son and help his son buy his mother a gift for Christmas.

Oh and lots of people work long hours but manage to buy gifts and in this century of Internet shopping that excuse is total bull.

And very Merry Christmas to the SIL wherever she is.