To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

[longdiling]

I think you're feeling angry and defensive because she has made you feel shitty. But it's not her fault you feel shitty, it's yours and your brother's. Presumably she didn't even get a present from her Husband, your brother? So she got nothing on her birthday at all. Ouch. You may not make a 'big deal' out of birthdays but presumably somebody in your family at least remembers and gives you something? Or at the very least you can empathise with other people wanting some kind of gift or recognition can't you?

[CheesyNachos]

Um.......

what everyone else said.She is even saving you the expense of buying her a gift. And she has no-one else to buy her a gift.

[beltedmaisy]

Just to point out, DB is up to his neck with work at the moment and I know she receives very generous maintenance from him, I never said SIL doesn't work hard but she is only part time whereas he works 50+ hour weeks.
I don't dislike her in the slightest and up until this point we would always have a cup of tea and a chat when she picked DN up. I just can't shake the feeling she's trying to make a victim of herself with the gift set (cheap chemist thing with Impulse body spray-I know ex SILs taste and I feel she's taking the piss with this)

Also last week my DM asked when we were needed again and she named the day and said I'm really sorry I did try to organise my working days to be on DB days off, but you know how that goes.
My DM is fiercely protective over all her sons and ex SIL knows a remark like that wouldn't go down well but of course DM said nothing as she doesn't like to rock the boat.

[abbieanders]

Oh well if he's busy that's completely different.

[longdiling]

Oops, just saw that she's an ex-SIL. So your brother is her ex not her husband. I still think he should take some responsibility for a present from his child to the mother of his child though. Even my brother and his ex manage that and they hate each other!!

[NannyOggsHedgehogs]

Yabu. A 5yo is capable of wanting to do something nice for his mum but not capable of going to the shops to choose or pay for it. We take our dn's out to choose something as ex-bil is a massive bell end who doesn't even but for his own kids let alone consider that they might like to show their mum some love. We also pay for it for them. Tbh I thought that was normal.

[Hatethis22]

Do you have children?

[CheesyNachos]

Well she is not spoilt because she has to buy her own gifts, and she knows that a token gift will make her DS happy and excited so she is thinking ahead and of his feelings. And she is not entitled because she apologises for the childcare, tries to make it up to you by giving you gifts, and tries to organise her work so it is convenient for her ex's work and days off.

She sounds rather lovely actually.

[molyholy]

Oh my god. Yet ANOTHER AIBU where the poster wants everyone to say they aren't being unreasonable. Yes you are BU from umpteen posters, but here you go, justifying why YANBU. Why start a thread if you think yanbu?

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

You have a rather unpleasant and twisted way of thinking OP, I don't think she sounds spoilt at all, nor a martyr. Jeez just wrap the gift and mention to your db that he should be helping HIS child do this in the future

[3luckystars]

This reminded me of the 2011 John Lewis ad. I can't seem to add it to this thread.
I remember being so excited about giving my parents a present!

[longdiling]

I still feel sorry for her OP. She sounds lonely. I understand that you feel defensive of your brother but she's not exactly insulted him has she? She mentioned that it's difficult to arrange her work around his. Which presumably it is if he's 'up to his neck' in it.

Maybe she is being a bit of a martyr with the gift set but throw her a bone here. I'd feel sorry for myself too if I was a single mum with no family of my own. Ok, you help out with childcare but I'd suggest you're helping your brother out just as much as her so I don't see why you make this her sole issue.

[Sighing]

I think you should talk to your brother so suitable childcare without all this negativity towards nephew's family situation (mother's working status, father's hours & payments) can be found.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I still think YABU.

You may see it as being a little PA, (and it might be), but based on the fact she has no living family and has no-one to buy for her, it's a little crap that no-one remembered her birthday.

She's not asking you to buy anything or sort anything out, it's just wrapping one present.

I feel quite sad for her. I know you do a lot for her and that great, but it's the little things like not forgetting birthdays that would make her feel more included in the family.

[WorraLiberty]

My DM is fiercely protective over all her sons and ex SIL knows a remark like that wouldn't go down well but of course DM said nothing as she doesn't like to rock the boat.

So?

She said "You know how that goes" (whatever that means).

She didn't call him a cunt, did she?

Your Mum can be as fiercely protective as she likes, but that doesn't mean people should have to tread on egg shells around her.

[Elllicam]

Yab insanely unreasonable. She sounds really nice and not at all passive aggressive. I completely understand why she would want her 5 year old to not be upset and have a present to give her and it seems a bit mean that no one else thought of it. The comment to your mum also sounds perfectly reasonable, why would she not want to work her working hours around her ex husbands to try to minimise child care? You sound like you don't like her very much.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

Doesn't matter how many hours you DB works or what money he pays he still has a responsibility towards his child when it comes to child care. HE should be feeling bad that his family have to pick up his slack not your ex SIL.

Sorry OP the more you post the worse you sound

[CheesyNachos]

and I do not understand why your DM would be furious about her saying she was trying to organise her work to fit in with her ex's days off. That's just weird.

I want to buy her a gift now.

[sugar21]

cheap chemist thing
Doesn't matter what it is, it would take a few minutes to help the 5 year old wrap it up.

[Elllicam]

Also 'spoilt' to ask you to help your 5 year old nephew to wrap a Christmas present she bought for herself??? How the heck is that spoilt?

[ohlittlepea]

Wow, YABU you could get her a small token gift. It will seem very strange to dn if you don't, and if you forget her birthday. If he's important to you them you'll be kind to his mum. Doing childcare is really lovely, but a card and bunching flowers or home-baked cake on bay would surely not be too much of a stretch?

[longdiling]

Yeah, give us the address, I'll happily send the poor woman a stocking!

[Gazelda]

You are a kind and supportive family to your DN. But I think you are reading far more into this than is actually there.
Her son felt a bit sad for his mum. She saw a way to resolve this and asked you to help. That's all.
And her comment to your mum sounds innocent and appreciative of the support she gets.
I guess maybe it's in the tone that she used? I really can't see any of this as PA.
By the way, does your DB buy you nice gifts to show his appreciation of your support in looking after his child?

[teatowel]

He is your nephew! I would have thought you and your brother would have sorted out present buying for his mum long ago. Meanness taken to new heights!