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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/11/2015 11:50

Yanbu to feel upset

She's not unreasobable to want a christmas alone with her DH and baby, but it does sound quite harsh to leave you all alone

Are there any friends you can visit or invite to yours? Or extended family? Whenever I mention I'm spending Christmas alone, people start falling over themselves to invite me to theirs.

If you are stuck on your own then my advice from experience is to make the most of it. Enjoy the freedom to have a relaxed, lazy christmas doing what you want. I still have a tree and cook myself dinner, and I save any presents I get from friends, work secret Santa etc to open on Christmas Day. When I explain the reason, people are generally fine with it.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 11:50

YANBU of course. It's very selfish of her. Is there nobody else? A friend?

I do sort of relate to how your sister feels but NO way would I do that to my sister.

JeffsanArsehole · 04/11/2015 11:50

Bottom line is you can't go if you're not invited. It sounds like you haven't moved into an adult relationship with your sister.

It would never occur to any adults I know to go anywhere (family included) without a specific invite.

The 'not allowed' is not invited. So you can't go. Yanu to be disappointed Flowers

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:52

We have no family. There's just us and our parents. I'll ask around my friends but if my sister doesn't want me then I'll only feel I'm imposing on someone I'm not even related to!

I am now thinking I will book an Air Bnb somewhere nice and go walking.

Thanks. Trying not to feel hurt. But I do.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/11/2015 11:52

What's your relationship usually like?

Are you very close, and do you give up your time to help her out?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 11:53

YANBU to feel hurt OP. Are you still young? It's very mean of her in my opinion. Especially given that you suggested part of the day.

If it's any consolation, their day will be filled with baby poo, feeding and not a lot else.

Bunbaker · 04/11/2015 11:54

So she knows you will be on your own? If so I think she is being unreasonable. DD was 5 months at her first Christmas and I was jolly glad to have an extra pair of hands in the house (MIL was with us).

Katie2001 · 04/11/2015 11:54

YANBU. Have you looked at some of the singles Christmas breaks? They can be fun.

felicityiguessso · 04/11/2015 11:54

YANBU I would feel the same. That's really heartless of her. Ask your parents / sister if they would be happy on their own for Christmas and tell them how upset you are. When you say it doesn't really matter, the fact that you're posting this shows it does to you. I hope she sees how selfish she's being. good luck op

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2015 11:55

I know your sister have every right to not invite you but I cannot imagine ever in my life leaving a sister to spend Christmas alone.
I see that as very selfish.
It's about family, ALL family.
I'm seething on your behalf.

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:55

We do have an adult relationship. I suppose "not allowed" was poor wording, on my part. It actually came about because I invited them to mine, then she said no, they wanted to spend it alone without me.

I have half their furniture in my house, I drove up and down the M1 hundreds of times helping them move, I took annual leave to look after their dog.

Not that this matters. But I think it's unfair to say we don't have an adult relationship.

OP posts:
PeasePuddingCold · 04/11/2015 11:55

YANBU. your sister is being extremely unkind (that's the kindest word I can think of).

So think to yourself Fuck her, I'm going in a nice holiday. Can you find a short break somewhere?

After an experience a bit like yours, I decided never ever to be dependent on other people's whims at Christmas and New Year. This year I'm choosing between three invitations.

Hope you choose for yourself to have a lovely time Flowers

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/11/2015 11:56

Ooh yes to going away! I've always fancied that but not been able to manage it as the years im on my own is normally years im working.

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:56

I'm not young. I'm 33, she's 31.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 04/11/2015 11:56

YANBU. But sod em. Airbnb sounds like a great plan. Alternatively, nice lazy day at home, your favourite food and drink, Xmas telly/radio.

Jeffs, I don't get your post. The OP wasn't asking whether she should turn up uninvited. Confused

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:58

Thanks all. I won't say anything more to my sister. I am not going to beg at the end of the day! She's made her mind up, and she's my sister and I love her.

So I'll accept it and try and move on.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/11/2015 11:59

YANBU then.

If your sister is happy to play the "we're family" card when it suits her, then I think she should do the decent thing a repay the favour this Christmas.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 11:59

I don't get Jeff's post either.

Bunbaker · 04/11/2015 11:59

"I'm not young. I'm 33"

Oh yes you are. Well to me anyway Smile

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 12:01

I think the same Bun Grin 33 IS young. OP this is one year in which you can do anything without offending anyone....your Christmas to do as you choose.

DiscoDiva70 · 04/11/2015 12:02

Yanbu
You know what to do in future don't you

Don't look after their dog and give them a time limit for THEM to collect their stuff or you'll ebay / charity shop it!

Fuck em!

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 12:03

Thanks everyone. I've found a nice place in the Lake District which is only an hour or so away from home so I'm going to go there for a couple of nights.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 04/11/2015 12:03

I have half their furniture in my house, I drove up and down the M1 hundreds of times helping them move, I took annual leave to look after their dog.

Oh well, when she wants that furniture and assistance in the future, you can play the 'Oh I thought I wasn't family any more' card.

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 12:03

Oh, and I am thrilled at being called young Grin

OP posts:
InTheBox · 04/11/2015 12:05

I'd rather relish the opportunity to spend xmas alone in my PJs with a few bottles of wine, tv and whatever food I fancied.

Yanbu to feel upset. It sounds as though she's happy to have you in her life when you are being of use i.e. driving up the M1 hundreds of times, taking time of work to look after pets etc. She's being very unreasonable. This isn't even PFB territory, she just sounds mean.