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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 04/11/2015 13:50

I would say come to me OP - but ironically we're at my sisters for Xmas this year!

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 13:51

I barely had the energy to get dressed until DS was 3 months old and that's without adding a house move into the equation. Perhaps they want to spend Christmas day in their pj's eating beans on toast and catching up on sleep.

No reason why OP can't come round to their place for a few hours and do likewise, is there? Confused

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/11/2015 13:52

Mrs Gently there is a middle ground between being a doormat and being so self-centred that you can't share a Christmas meal with your helpful sister that lives 20 mins away and will otherwise be lonely.

WickedWax · 04/11/2015 13:52

Well yes there is - because for whatever reason, they don't want her to.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 13:53

Well yes there is - because for whatever reason, they don't want her to.

Fine, but I'm sorry that is incredibly selfish and very mean.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 13:54

The OP has no one else to spend Christmas with. She is talking about going to The Lakes alone instead. But I do think her sister is unfair.

Relationships are two way. You can't expect a sister who is a close relative to help you out when you need it, but ignore her when she wants to spend a few hours with you on Christmas Day.

Kewcumber · 04/11/2015 13:55

I have to say its this kind of thing which really makes you feel that if you're single you really are a non-person.

And yes I do wonder what parents stand on it is - maybe it was unavoidable or maybe they assumed (naively obviously) that the sisters would spend Christmas together.

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 13:55

Thanks for all your replies. My parents are going abroad because my sister originally said they'd be spending Christmas with her in laws in Glasgow, so they are going to visit my mother's parents in France who are very elderly.

I've booked a BnB and I am going to try and have a nice time. I do have a very good social life normally and am not lonely or short of friends, but it's true that Christmas is generally when people see their families, so there aren't any of my mates going spare!

I am upset because I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing day, spending time with my sister and nephew. However, clearly this isn't going to happen so I will have to just deal with that.

Thank you to everyone who has replied with lovely messages and suggestions.

xx

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 13:55

Maybe - many people don't feel they can have a guest without hosting them properly. I would not be able to relax in a messy house in my jimjams with anyone other than DH, and I certainly couldn't have a guest I didn't feed properly. Some people can just do the "take us as you find us" - a lot can't, even if it is a sibling.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 13:56

Why is PND always immediately jumped on anyway? Sometimes people are actually just mean and selfish, not mentally ill.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 13:56

My experience is when some people have a baby, they do ignore the needs of any other family members.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 13:57

cleaty mine too, and tbh I understand it in some circumstances. Not in others though, this one being a prime example. I would understand if it was some random out of town Auntie who was a PITA, but when it's a close sibling? Really?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/11/2015 13:57

I'm defending the sister because I really believe this is more than just being selfish. It seems far more likely to me she has a reason beyond just being precious over her little family to say no to the op. I really think it's one of those situations you cannot judge without hearing the other side of it. Maybe it's because I've just had a baby myself - planning for xmas just seems far too much at the moment - I live day to day through the tiredness, endless nappies, baby feeding on demand. Some people found having other people around a great help, other feel it's easier when it's just mum, dad and kid/s. I think a bit of understanding for a first time mum in the first few months of parenthood isn't to much to ask - if they need space, even xmas day. Calling them a 'selfish bitch' is quite frankly far more disgusting than asking a adult sibling to make other crimbo plans this year.

merrygoround51 · 04/11/2015 13:57

Chrome100 Do try and have a good day and whatever you do, make sure that she understands the level of hurt she has inflicted on you.

It sounds like you are never going to get anything back from this relationship so pull back and create strong bonds elsewhere.

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 13:58

oh hang on, X Post, so you had expected your sister to be in Glasgow and not spending it with you anyway, or were you going to go to Glasgow as well?

Your parents planned to go away thinking that your sister would also be away and you would be alone? Did they ask you to go to France too?

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 13:59

MrsGently, you really seem to be coming up with extreme examples to try and prove a point.

Can you really not see that a sister asking, for the first time, if she can spend Christmas with her sister - either as host or helpful guest - becfause she has no other family around, is not the same as some toxic or disruptive relative coming around year after year?

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 13:59

chrome I hope you have a nice day regardless Flowers

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/11/2015 13:59

Fine, but I'm sorry that is incredibly selfish and very mean

Not necessarily selfish and mean, it's ok to say this is just one sibling, just one person to invite on the day but it may not be, the bil may have another 10 people on his side all clamouring to spend the day with them too.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 13:59

Chrome100 I hope you have a lovely day wherever you end up, the Lakes sound fab.

Your sister is being selfish, no doubt, but hopefully it's just a temporary blip!

Kewcumber · 04/11/2015 13:59

Chrome - what did your parents think you were going to do if your sister went to Glasgow and they went to France? Confused

They sounds as uncaring as your sister if I'm honest.

If there was a reason why I felt unable to host christmas I would discuss it with my sister - absolutely she should't have to host if she is feeling dreadful and anticipates wanting to spend all day in her pyjamas eating beans on toast. I would just announce that I wanted it to just be family and that she couldn;t come. Its mean which ever way you look at it.

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/11/2015 14:01

So unless you were going to Glasgow with her why did you expect otherwise OP?
I actually think that by them staying at home instead of going it shows they genuinely want to just have christmas the 3 of them. For me the buck stops with your parents- cannot see how your sis is getting a bashing.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 14:02

OP could you not go with your parents to France and spend Christmas with your grandparents?

cleaty · 04/11/2015 14:03

It saddens me how some people treat close relatives.

Xenadog · 04/11/2015 14:03

I think the sister and her small family are totally entitled to spend Christmas as they wish without her sister being present. It's their first Christmas as a family unit and they obviously just want it to be them.

We now spend Christmas with it just being us three because if we spend time with my family then next year there will be the obligation to spend it with in-laws and so on and we just don't want that.

I've been in exactly the same position as the OP (even where I had seriously helped out my sister in various ways over the years) and whilst I did feel a bit left out to begin with I went ahead and made the Christmas I wanted. I think the OP should consider what she wants to do this Christmas and then just please herself.

It would be nice if the sister with the family wanted to include her sister but it would also be nice if the parents wanted or include her too. As they don't OP has the perfect opportunity to make her Christmas exactly the day she wants it to be.

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/11/2015 14:03

Seriously is her sister being selfish being honest that she just wants Xmas the 3 of them. I'm selfish as well then dc2 due in dec and we've said it will just be the four of us as we'll still be getting into new routine and won't wont to worry about additional guests or being away from home- we just want time to ourselves.