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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:

MildVirago · 04/11/2015 12:47

I'm assuming the OP's parents live abroad, rather than are going on a Christmas holiday - but are people really suggesting it would be mean of parents to arrange a holiday unless they were happy their thirtysomething adult children all had satisfactory arrangements for Christmas?

Enjoy the Lakes, OP - I'm green with envy, as DH's job always involves working on Boxing Day, so we can't travel.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/11/2015 12:48

What is so wrong in her sister wanting to spend Christmas with just her intermediate family.

It doesn't make her a bitch or any other names for wanting this.

I get the OP will be alone at Christmas but this should not fall on the sister to accommodate her every Christmas.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 12:50

I consider my siblings 'immediate family'.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 12:50

It does make her a selfish bitch Piper.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 12:51

Yes.

Vixxfacee · 04/11/2015 12:51

Yanbu she sounds like a cow. She would leave her only sister alone on Xmas day. Christmas is supposed to be about family.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 12:52

I don't get this pull up the drawbridge and lower the portcullis attitude that some people have towards Christmas.

Lottapianos · 04/11/2015 12:53

Piper, I could totally understand if there was a difficult or toxic relationship between OP and her sister but that doesn't seem to be the case at all here. OP has offered to visit (and cook!) for just a few hours but seems to have been firmly told no. Sister's baby is a tiny baby - he won't have a clue whether its Christmas or any other day! I absolutely understand the importance of boundaries and not feeling under obligation all the time but I think the sister is being incredibly selfish here.

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 12:53

MildVirago - well, I can imagine happily not seeing my DCs on christmas day if they had other plans (like going to see their PILs or wanting to spend it at home without guests as an active choice), I think if I thought they'd be on their own at Christmas (without it being something they've chosen), I'd invite them to spend it with me, which might mean planning holidays around that.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/11/2015 12:58

Mitzy, it may be depressing to you, but others do not feel the need to bow to this social pressure of babysitting other adults at your own expense. They lead different lives, the sister should be able to have the xmas she planned without being guilt-tripped (not saying she has been, but half of mn seem to want her hanged for daring to want to spend the day her way). We're also only getting one side here - there may well be other reasons why the sister has said no. I just don't think she's selfish and certainly not a bitch to make her own plans for the day. Some people love a big family event at xmas - others, like me, are used to it being very small and quiet, that's how we enjoy the day. One is not more selfish than the other.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 12:58

I think your sister is being very unfair. But there is nothing you can do about that. Buy yourself in lots of food treats, and some good DVDs, and remember, MN will still be here on Christmas Day.

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 12:58

Actually OP, thinking further, if your DN is only a few weeks old, and this is out of character for your DSister, then this might be a sign that not all is well. PND is a shitter and depression does make you behave in seemingly selfish ways in order to cope - she might genuinely not feel she can cope with "doing Christmas" and the level of cheerfulness required for Christmas.

Have you spent a whole day with her recently? You can often keep up an act of being all fine for an hour or so. It might be worth having a word with your BIL and just asking if everything is ok.

ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean · 04/11/2015 13:01

I am charitably sat on the fence here. I am always quite surprised at the number of posts at this time of year saying PFB will be X weeks/months old and Y relative is in a huff as we haven't invited them for Christmas & then their are loads of responses along the lines of very important first family Christmas, you have your own family unit now, important to build your own traditions etc as if all of these posters are going to wave off their own DC the day they get married or re-produce and happily never see them at Christmas again. It is different if someone has a due date around Christmas or is being expected to travel miles or sleep on a sofa but otherwise no, you see family at Xmas as, if you don't, then you leave other family members in an awkward position as they either have to spend Xmas by themselves or go and spend time with someone else's family which may be fantastic but always feels awkward when you first turn up.
Rant over! OP I agree that spending the time by yourself could be horribly depressing as you're at a stage when you probably get plenty of time to yourself, something other posters with young DC or are having to host a mass gathering may forget. I was single for my late 20s & early 30s and, when I began to ask around a bit, was always pleased (and relieved) at how many friends I had who either had no plans for Xmas or, if they did, didn't want to spend more than Xmas Day itself with family & were very keen to make other plans for Xmas Eve & Boxing Day. I tended to fall into the home for Xmas Day only camp and, a couple of times, took a friend home with me.
One of my friends went to Lapland & worked as an Elf for one of the tour companies for a few days & had a surprisingly good time. I think if you do something like that or a walking tour or something you are more likely to have a good time as you are with other people who are actively doing something about it and who you know you are welcome to join rather than feeling like a gooseberry.
My final comment is that I may not make firm plans at the moment. Your sister could be feeling utterly miserable at the moment & has forgotten that the baby will be twice as old by Christmas. It may be sleeping better, it may be in more of a routine & she may feel a bit more in control. Or she will be in a hideous state having not slept for more than two hours at a time for over three months.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/11/2015 13:02

Mitzy I agree, and sadly its not just Christmas. I don't get it at all.

"others do not feel the need to bow to this social pressure of babysitting other adults at your own expense". Oh it's the season of goodwill at yours alright.

DiscoDiva70 · 04/11/2015 13:03

Op
I haven't read every post so not sure if anyone's mentioned this,

If this is your sister's decision to exclude you then yes she's a bloody selfish cow, however, is there any chance this could be her H's decision and he's left it to her to tell you you're not invited I wonder?

Is your BIL controlling would you say?

LonestarStateOfMind · 04/11/2015 13:04

That must be very hurtful op, yanbu.

To the posters telling the op not to beg for an invite or try and make her sister feel guilty well I really don't see any evidence that she would do either, she has already said she is looking at going away on a walking break. She is using an anonymous forum to talk through her feelings instead which she is perfectly entitled to do.

And obviously she's not going to suddenly stop doing favours and withdraw all support as that's not how it works but she may re-evaluate her relationship with her sister as it's clearly imbalanced.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 13:04

Mitzy, it may be depressing to you, but others do not feel the need to bow to this social pressure of babysitting other adults at your own expense.

Babysitting? You complain about people being mean about the sister but you seem determined to rub salt in the wound for the OP.

One would hope a sibling who enjoys a seemingly cordial relationship with her sister wouldn't regard spending a few hours with her on Christmas Day as 'babysitting'.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 13:04

Mitzy, it may be depressing to you, but others do not feel the need to bow to this social pressure of babysitting other adults at your own expense.

Since when did inviting very close family members, who have nowhere else to go on Christmas day, become 'babysitting other adults at your own expense'. What a sad point of view.

justmyview · 04/11/2015 13:09

I hope it's a one off obsession with baby's first Christmas. In a few years, your DSis will probably realise she's been a bit silly about it. YANBU

KoalaDownUnder · 04/11/2015 13:10

The 'babysitting others' comment is utterly bizarre.

FreckledLeopard · 04/11/2015 13:11

I'm so sorry OP - if you want a break in Bristol, let me know!

I am dreading Christmas - there will only be four of us which I can't bear thinking about. I love big family Christmases and in the past we've often done something with my cousin (meaning at least 12 of us for Christmas with her family). This year she said she doesn't want to do that, so it'll be just four of us.

I cannot understand the attitude of your sister at all. Christmas should be about all family.

Viviennemary · 04/11/2015 13:14

They are being selfish. I'd tell them it's no longer convenient to store their furniture at your house. I'd also feel like saying since I'm not included in your Christmas then you won't be included in mine and buy them no presents. I wouldn't do this. But I'd be furious. Send them a bill for petrol and the depreciation because of the mileage on your car. Don't look after their dog either. Cheeky selfish pair. Good idea going to the Lakes. That sounds wonderful.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/11/2015 13:21

I see another poster has flagged up the possibility of PND. Or the sister might simply feel she can't face having visitors at all. Maybe the baby doesn't sleep well or has another health issue - are you close enough to your sister to know how it's all going, OP? Also, do you have form for telling her what to do and how to do it; is your relationship full of mutual resentments?

It's far better to spend Christmas alone than with someone who actually only invited you out of duty, after all.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/11/2015 13:21

Op how come your parents will be abroad this Christmas and what has happened at previous Christmases? Is it possible that if things have changed this year due to your parents going away that your sister and husband have seen this as a natural point to change how they do christmas. Sometimes people can feel pulled in all sorts of directions and it may well be that your BIL family is also exerting pressure on them over Christmas too so the easiest way to not be completely overrun with people is to ban every one.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/11/2015 13:21

I wasn't saying the op needed babysitting, I was just making a point that no one should feel obligated to look after another adult on Xmas day, just becasue they're family and don't have anywhere else to go. As a perfectly functional adult, I think that it's normal to feel a bit pushed out when a family member makes other plans, of course that can be a bit hurtful, but it's not the end of the world and other plans can be made. The amout of hateful language towards the sister is awful, without the full story. As I said previously, the sister may have reasons why she said no beyond just being 'selfish and pfb'. Why is it always one person in the family is made out to be the bloody devil this time of year? Christmas is stressful enough without making someone a pantomime villan for just wanting to have a very small christmas .

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