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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/11/2015 12:30

She's being horrible, and I actually think that - at some point - you should tell her how much her decision hurts. Although not until you have made another plan that you are happy with. Does she actually realise that you will be alone and how that makes you feel? (not that she should need it spelled out to her)

Is there something going on where her partner has a family of 90 overbearing types and they are having to say they want to spend Christmas alone to avoid the hordes descending? (grasps at straws trying to be charitable).

ShamelessBreadAddict · 04/11/2015 12:31

Yanbu to be hurt. I wouldn't do this to my sister. My only guess is that she is maybe feeling a bit overprotective of her new baby and new family atm. I know some of my friends in RL wouldn't let anyone come and stay or help with their babies at all in the early days and got quite feisty if anyone tried (I was the opposite and needed people's help). I wouldn't be surprised if your sister changes her mind nearer the time tbh.

SerenityReynolds · 04/11/2015 12:32

I can't believe that she knows you will be on your own and still won't let you pop over for even a few hours, especially as you live so close! YANBU at all to be upset. The volunteering suggestions are good and otherwise just spoil yourself Wine Flowers

Nabootique · 04/11/2015 12:33

Christ on a bike. I understand wanting quality time over Christmas with the new baby, but you were offering to host and cook for them, so they really could have popped over for a few hours, and have the rest of the time to themselves! I know I'm just echoing PPs, but I just couldn't not chime in and agree!

As one PP said, it should be about ALL family. So mean spirited. I hope you have a lovely break. Sounds wonderful! Just had a look at AirBnB myself for a later date.

FlowersAndShit · 04/11/2015 12:34

Come to mine for Christmas dinner , OP. I'm in South Wales

morningtoncrescent62 · 04/11/2015 12:34

OP, YANBU to feel left out. I think your sister is being selfish and unreasonable, but to be honest it's not that unusual for new parents to be so wrapped up in their PFB that they act in selfish and unreasonable ways. Hopefully this stage will pass, and you can get back to a mutually giving and supportive relationship. I wouldn't jeopardise that too soon by refusing to give the support you've been giving. Leave it for a few more months and see how things go. She may well see things more clearly once she's over this heady period of new motherhood.

Good idea to go away. I've been on my own these past few Christmases and I don't want my adult DC to feel obliged to look after me so I've gone on organised walking holidays. It's been a blast! Organised walking holidays with a jolly group of people are better than being on my own (for me, at least) - on my own I think I'd get a bit mournful.

Oh, and I think you're young too. Grin

KoalaDownUnder · 04/11/2015 12:34

YANBU!!

I cannot believe some people are this monumentally selfish.

And yeah, when you're single you can have wine, your favourite food and a boxed set in your pjs whenever you want. That's not what Christmas is about (traditionally, anyway). It's about sharing lovely things with family.

Screw her. I'm angry on your behalf, OP. CakeFlowersWine[santa] for you and a Biscuitfor the selfish sister!

Writerwannabe83 · 04/11/2015 12:35

That's disgusting, I would never, ever, ever do that to my sister!!!

It was my DS's first Christmas last year and there's no way I would have wanted to spend it just the three of us. We had a massive family Christmas and it was wonderful.

If my sister did to me what yours has done to you I don't think I could ever look at her the same way.

You can come to mine if you like? Grin [santa] Wine

Gingermum · 04/11/2015 12:35

For the record, I think your sister is being really mean. Especially after you helped her with moving. As Doreen said, you might remind her of that at some point. I have a sister and I would never every do that to her.

But I do think that the idea of spending Christmas alone is fantastic actually. We are shown this picture of a 'perfect' family Christmas in the ads, when we all know that it's often the most stressful time of the year. Divorces surge straight after the festive season and domestic abuse increases hugely, so remember the disconnect between the Image of Christmas and the Reality.

You can do exactly what you like - wake up when you like, go for a walk, buy yourself some treats, watch whatever telly you like. When I got divorced I didn't tell my friends I was going to be alone for Christmas because the few I did tell wailed in distress and guiltily invited me over. But I was really happy on my own for that one day. I ordered some books I wanted to read, planned to watch some films, ate exactly what I wanted and had a lovely chilled day. No rows, no tight lipped 'I'm fine thank you' and no pretending I 'just loved' a crappy present.

Fuck your selfish sister. I hope the baby keeps her up all night and she dries out the turkey.

MaxPepsi · 04/11/2015 12:37

Do you have a dog OP?

Also, where in North Yorkshire are you?

I'm not sure of your budget but I can highly recommend staying here Mallyan Spout

As for your sister I have a feeling she's got into her head about wanting her first special family christmas with the new Baby and hasn't really thought it through properly.

I would however, not look after her dog - unless it is for your own benefit (like the walking holiday) and I would tell her you need rid of her furniture before Xmas

123Jump · 04/11/2015 12:37

Are your parents going on holiday OP, or do they live abroad? What do they think? Mine would think it very odd if I didn't invite my DSIS for Christmas.
Your plan now sounds lovely.

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/11/2015 12:38

What a bitch.

I am sure you will have a lovely time in the Lakes.

Tangoandcreditcards · 04/11/2015 12:38

This is so off of your sister.

I will have a new baby at xmas (literally due at xmas, so could be in labour/laid low with baby blues/over 9 months pregnant; and we have an almost-2-year-old - none of which are conducive to being a great host).

MIL is staying with us to help with pending delivery, so BIL (DH's bro) is also invited as he'd otherwise be alone at xmas. It's clearly not logistically ideal for us, but the alternative (a sibling alone at xmas) is unthinkable. If any of my own siblings had ended up at a loose end too (I have 4); they'd be coming too.

I think your sister is mean. I hope you manage to have a lovely break and indulge yourself.

NutellaNutter · 04/11/2015 12:39

Wow, that is incredibly unkind and hurtful of her. I can only assume that having a baby has sent her a bit mad and bunker mentality-ish, as it does the best of us, and that when her child is a bit older she will come back to her senses and cringe at the memory of how badly she treated you. Kudos to you for being so gracious in your reaction to your treatment. She will be beating a path to your door for babysitting before too long! Go and do something amazing for yourself for Christmas. You deserve it.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 12:40

I was wondering about your parents as well. Do they know your sister is behaving like this?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/11/2015 12:40

There is no way I would do that to my sister. In fact, I wouldn't do it to anyone. We invited a neighbour for Christmas dinner one year when it looked like the snow was going to be too bad for her to drive.

Flowers I can totally see why this is upsetting but hope you can find something really lovely to do. Any friends who might also be looking for some company?

sodabreadjam · 04/11/2015 12:41

You and your sister are the ages of my DSs so I am probably a similar age to your parents.

Are your parents aware that you are going to be on your own? What have the arrangements been for Christmas in previous years?

I'm finding it a bit weird that your parents are going abroad when they have their first(?) grandchild at home, but that's their choice - maybe they knew that your DSis wouldn't let them anywhere near the baby anyway.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you have a lovely time. You sound like a very nice generous person who doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

Mrspopper · 04/11/2015 12:42

I think that's mean of your sister.
Going away is great idea, get lots of tasty food in and watch some crappy Xmas films and enjoy the time. Try to feel empowered on your own rather than sad.

caravanista13 · 04/11/2015 12:43

I really don't understand people wanting to be so insular at Christmas, particularly when it actively excludes family. So sad. My DTs were due two weeks before Christmas - we knew it wouldn't be practical to travel so we had all the extended family to us - everyone chipped in with the cooking and clearing up and there was no shortage of people to take turns with the babies!

Lottapianos · 04/11/2015 12:44

'We are shown this picture of a 'perfect' family Christmas in the ads, when we all know that it's often the most stressful time of the year. Divorces surge straight after the festive season and domestic abuse increases hugely, so remember the disconnect between the Image of Christmas and the Reality'

Excellent point Gingermum. I wish this was on billboards all over the country. Christmas is the most miserable and stressful time of year for many people - a psychotherapist I know says the run up to Christmas is by far his busiest time of year! Expectations can be ridiculously high to make everything 'perfect' and most people's experience is just not like that

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 04/11/2015 12:44

I'm in Ireland but you are welcome to come to me! That is serious btw, we love Christmas, you will have fun I promise!

That is shitty behavior. Adult relationship my hole. An adult wouldn't do that to a sister. God forbid someone left her new baby out of something she would be gutted.

I have no idea what Jeff is talking about.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 04/11/2015 12:45

I can see why you'd feel hurt - however I don't think your sister is a selfish person, she has a right to spend christmas as she chooses. I don't think there should be an obligation to family, just because you happen to be alone and she isn't. Do you really want a 'pity invite' from someone who just wanted a quiet time with her new baby and partner? I can understand you've given her you time over this year, but do you really measure your relationship by if you do something for her, she should change her xmas plans for you? Can you not visit your parents/they fly over?

MaxPepsi · 04/11/2015 12:45

BTW, I had Xmas day on my own a few years back, out of choice.

DH (BF at the time) was on shift. My parents were going to one of my brothers, the other 2 brothers were having xmas day at their own houses. I was staying at my mums with the dog and relishing the thought.

My eldest brother was beside himself at the thought of me alone, he thought I'd been left out and was furious and trying to work out the logistics of getting non driving me to his house, slightly off the beaten track, with no way to pick me up himself. It took a lot of convincing I was fine about it the other 2 didn't take any convincing at all!!

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 12:46

Actually, thinking about it further, if your parents are going to be overseas (you don't say they live overseas, so guess they have booked a holiday or gone to a holiday home), having not felt the need to spend Christmas with their DCs, including first grandchild's first christmas, or make sure their single DD has plans on Christmas that aren't just spending it alone, then your sister's decision to spend it just with her DH and DC without thinking about what you'll do seems more understandable, although still shitty. Your parents have led by example that spending Christmas with family doesn't really matter.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 12:46

'I don't think there should be an obligation to family, just because you happen to be alone and she isn't.'

Really?

Maybe with a distant cousin that you only see at weddings and funerals. But you only sibling?

That's depressing.

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