AIBU - spending Christmas alone

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My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

I was just making a point that no one should feel obligated to look after another adult on Xmas day, just becasue they're family and don't have anywhere else to go [quote]

If you're fundamentally a nice person you would feel obligated.

I've no new insights to add. IMO the best points made on this thread are:

(a) there may be good reasons for the sister to want some time alone. she may be really struggling with feeding, PND, or similar;
(b) an obvious compromise situation would be along the lines of spending a small amount of time together, ideally in a way that meant the sister didn't have to cook or travel. it appears that this has been rejected;
(c) I'd echo the suggestion about doing some volunteering on Christmas day. It's a fantastic, enjoyable and rewarding, thing to do.

I'm a nice person, I personally have found over the years that giving in to obligation (especially for family) makes you a doormat and leads to resentment. Sometimes in life, your perfectly entitled to make choices for yourself, even about xmas plans. The whole 'but it's family' mantra doesn't always apply, for many a reason.

I don't think the sister is being selfish. She wants her first Christmas as a parent to be just her her husband and her baby. I don't see anything wrong with that.

It's unfortunate that you will be alone though obviously but that's no one's fault.

Your parents also are just spending Christmas together just them so why are they also not in the firing line?

"I was just making a point that no one should feel obligated to look after another adult on Xmas day,"

Actually, to my way of thinking- if you're happy for someone to lose a day's pay/take annual leave to look after your dog then you bloody well should feel obligated to look after them come Christmas Day.

If the OP was a single girl about town type who ignored them the rest of the year then expected to swan in for a free dinner come Xmas Day, then you might have a point.

Fair's fair.

It's unfortunate that you will be alone though obviously but that's no one's fault.

Of course it's someone's fault. Her sister's for starters. And possibly her parents but we don't know the circumstances there.

'I wasn't saying the op needed babysitting'

It certainly read like you were.

'I was just making a point that no one should feel obligated to look after another adult on Xmas day, just becasue they're family and don't have anywhere else to go.'

A random adult? No.
A sibling who might otherwise be lonely? Yes.

Christmas Day is just a fun day for me, a day where everyone pitches in. It wouldn't be much fun if I thought my mother/brother/sister was unhappily spending their day alone due to lack of an invite.

The whole 'but it's family' mantra doesn't always apply, for many a reason.

If I was the OP I'd be making that my mantra whenever my sister asked for favours in the future!

I don't think the sister is being selfish. She wants her first Christmas as a parent to be just her her husband and her baby. I don't see anything wrong with that.

But her sister seems to think it ok to store furniture at the OPs and ask favours etc.

Ops sister after this may come unstuck when asking for a favour in the future.

A bit of kindness goes a long way.

But no one made the op dogsit, as kind as it was. I've done similar for my sister, I never expected anything in return. Healthy relationships don't keep a tally of 'well I did this for you, so you owe me now'. Fair isn't always fair on both sides. Is it fair for the sister, a new mum, have to do the whole family xmas show, when she obviously doesn't want to?

How awful for you. The preciousness about Christmas on this forum amazes me.
People can be so mean spirited about the 'just me and my little family' nonsense.

I get the OP will be alone at Christmas but this should not fall on the sister to accommodate her every Christmas.

There is no where that says it happens every Christmas firstly.

Secondly she is her sister who has even offered to host and helps with baby. Not someone that needs 'accommodating'!

Yikes! I would respect the fact that your sister wants to spend a Christmas alone with her husband and child.

I do not think your sister is harsh or selfish at all.

You are an adult and there are plenty of people who find alternative things to do at Christmas. You have some friends presumably? Or friends who don't celebrate Christmas? Why not go on holiday alone and enjoy your own company or a trip with a group (a coach trip with guide) where you will make new friends. My Grandma used to take coach trips all over the place on her own. If she could do it you can. You don't need lots of money either.

Sitting at home feeling resentful and left out is not the way to do it though.

I agree merry. It's a really depressing attitude and so far away from what Christmas used to be about. It used to be small presents and large family gatherings, now it's the other way around and all the effort and time goes into shopping with none left over for looking after family and making sure everyone's accounted for on Christmas day.

Thats very, very mean. Do you normally get on? Is she at the end of her tether with a newborn maybe? Are your family not close at best of times - you mention parents overseas for Christmas. It wouldnt kill her to have you over for just a few hours on either Christmas or Boxing Day tho.

I had plenty of Christmases when younger when my parents had a relative they werent hugely keen on because they were alone: a good time was still had as it was two days and and you build in activity and walks so no feeling trapped with each other.

I'd be telling them to come get their furniture and I definitely wouldn't be taking holiday to dogsit. Going to the Lakes sounds fantastic. Have a lovely time.

People can be so mean spirited about the 'just me and my little family' nonsense

Yup, as opposed to the usual mn matyrdom of 'oh I invited everyone, irritating MIL, brother who has stolen from me in the past, Mr Jones next door who drinks like a fish, because it's Chriiisssmasss, and it's what you dooooo'.

I don't think the sister is being selfish. She wants her first Christmas as a parent to be just her her husband and her baby. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Really? Well I think this is the definition of selfish. Does no one think of what Christmas really means, it means sharing with people you love and being kind to those who are not surrounded by others.

My DB drives us utterly crazy (he is schizophrenic and v. difficult to deal with) but we would never ever in a million years leave him alone at Christmas. I also hope that my actions teach my DC to be kinder to those around them

How awful for you. The preciousness about Christmas on this forum amazes me.

Me too.

Is it fair for the sister, a new mum, have to do the whole family xmas show, when she obviously doesn't want to?

Having her sister one person is hardly a whole family Christmas show. OP has offered to host or help out.

No one keeps tally no, but I wouldn't forget this easily I'm afraid.

A new mum doesn't give you a free pass to be hurtful either.

*People can be so mean spirited about the 'just me and my little family' nonsense

Yup, as opposed to the usual mn matyrdom of 'oh I invited everyone, irritating MIL, brother who has stolen from me in the past, Mr Jones next door who drinks like a fish, because it's Chriiisssmasss, and it's what you dooooo'.*

No martyrdom here, just some kindness. Shame more people cannot share that attitude but you reap what you sow.

Jesus I've invited a colleague I hardly knew for Christmas as she'd just moved to London and was alone. I invite another friend every year who is alone (some years she comes and some she doesn't)

I cannot conceive of leaving someone on their own at christmas, first christmas with baby or not.

How do you feel come Christmas day when your fairly close sibling who has been supportive of you throughout the year isn't included and is sitting alone or with strangers? How would you feel good about yourself? What do you say to your child in future? "Yes Aunty Chrome is lovely. Yes she does help us out storing furniture and moving house. Yes if anything happened to us she would family likely take you in. No we don;t her for Christmas because she's not enough"

Obviously a fair few people feel the same way OP's sister does but truly I'm amazed - I can't imagine enjoying myself in that situation.

Good god, I seriously can't believe that people are defending the sister. I can think of literally no excuse that would make leaving a sibling you have a good relationship with alone on Christmas day an acceptable thing to do.

Threads like these make me despair. Why are people so weird?!

I think there's a balance between a Christmas martyr and a Christmas misanthrope.

Why aren't the parents, who are swanning off abroad, also apparently quite happy to leave their child alone on Christmas day, getting it in the neck either? Why just the sister, who has a newborn child and has moved house recently?

I barely had the energy to get dressed until DS was 3 months old and that's without adding a house move into the equation. Perhaps they want to spend Christmas day in their pj's eating beans on toast and catching up on sleep.

Fun - playing devil's advocate, she might well feel the need to 'do christmas' if someone is coming over, whereas if it's just her and her DH and the baby, stay in jammies or scruffy, comfy clothes, eat what they fancy, when they fancy it (rather than do a Christmas lunch) and not do anything - particularly if her DH can't get much time off over Christmas.

However, if she has gone from previously loving family get-togethers and Christmas to now wanting to keep everyone away, that could well be a sign of PND, not selfishness.