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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/07/2015 17:59

Why don't you get sterilised?

monkeysox · 03/07/2015 17:59

I think yanbu but loads of posters on here will disagree. Why don't you get sterilisation?

treaclesoda · 03/07/2015 17:59

I don't think it is fair to expect him to, it is surgery after all, but it is certainly reasonable to ask him if he would consider it.

Teabagbeforemilk · 03/07/2015 18:00

Yabu to force him to have a procedure. Dh had one but we discussed it and he wanted to.

No way would I force it. Also they aren't 100% effective and sometimes they do join back together. Dh and I were both warned about it.

pissedglitter · 03/07/2015 18:00

Can't you get sterilised? I don't understand why it's only your husband who should get it done

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:00

I've thought about this Worra and my answer is: because it's a much bigger operation, because I've given birth three times and most key because it would render me useless for a few weeks and the children rely on me more than DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:01

Lots of cross posts!

OP posts:
Wailywailywaily · 03/07/2015 18:01

Have you discussed this with him?
He has the right to refuse as it is him who will be undergoing the procedure. So you can't really demand it but it would be a good idea to have the conversation

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2015 18:01

I agree with you OP, but most people won't. I think after decades of contraception being my responsibility, birth FGS, and the aftermath, DH can suck one up for the team. Luckily DH agrees.

NomiMalone · 03/07/2015 18:01

YANBU.

At all.

Teabagbeforemilk · 03/07/2015 18:02

But its not your decision to make. You make decisions about your own body. Not his

scaevola · 03/07/2015 18:02

YABU

Well, ish.

Yes, you should both look into all the options carefully.

By it's your body your choice and his body his choice.

The risks of vasectomy are routinely underestimated. NHS pages put the risk of the serious side effects (not just post op discomfort, but the granulomas, haemotomas, and untreatable PVPS) at 10%.

Have you looked into female sterilisation? You don't need a GA if you go for the newer Essure technique.

Hestheone · 03/07/2015 18:02

You can ask but not expect,I would hope my partner would do this willingly though if I'd gone through 3 labours/sections

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 03/07/2015 18:03

I don't think you have any right to tell him what to do with his body, and more than he has the right to control yours.
Plus if your relationship is rocky, he's got more to think about than just your opinion.

AuntieStella · 03/07/2015 18:03

"I agree with you OP, but most people won't. I think after decades of contraception being my responsibility, birth FGS, and the aftermath, DH can suck one up for the team."

OP isn't however asking about (reversible) contraception though. She is talking about permanent surgical removal of fertility. Something that neither of them has yet done for the other.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2015 18:03

It's not always a much bigger operation though. Many women are in and out of hospital the same day.

Perhaps you could sit down and work out if he can take some time off?

This is of course assuming he doesn't want a vasectomy.

If he does, then even better.

Teabagbeforemilk · 03/07/2015 18:04

Oh and yes dh had a complication, bled quite a lot took about 4 days to be able to move about and 4 weeks before he could drive

Lollypop27 · 03/07/2015 18:05

It's a hard one. I want to say yanbu but you can't force him to have a procedure he doesn't want.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:05

It's the being cut open that's the killer Worra though, not the GA.

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 18:05

YABU, OP. He has as much right to refuse to have it done as you do to refuse hormonal contraception...

Hestheone · 03/07/2015 18:06

I myself got sterilized when I had a section on Dd2,because I definitely didn't want to chance any more Dc

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2015 18:06

Speak to him then OP. You won't know until you do.

But if he doesn't want the operation, perhaps you should look into getting it done yourself, but obviously at a time when he can help out at home.

Andrewofgg · 03/07/2015 18:07

His body, his choice; I know that (assuming all goes well) it's less serious for him than for you but that's not his fault, it's just how the equipment eas designed.

Sorry, but YABU.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2015 18:08

OP isn't however asking about (reversible) contraception though. She is talking about permanent surgical removal of fertility. Something that neither of them has yet done for the other. There have been irreversible changes to my body caused by having our child. I'm not saying it's OK to force someone to have a procedure they don't want. I am saying that I would have thought less of my DH had he assumed, after years of me taking all the health implications of contraception, birth and BFing, I would be the one to have an operation (another one, because my CS wasn't a walk in the park).

CatMilkMan · 03/07/2015 18:08

I think it's unfair to push someone to get an optional operation that they don't want.