To expect DH to get a vasectomy

[elderfloweriver]

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

Sorry but YABU or at least you are minimising this.

I recently saw a top pain specialist doctor at a top London hospital ( well known and written a lot of papers). In the course of our conversation he mentioned vasectomy as having up to 10% serious complication rate, as already stated by a pp. The risk of any surgery must be thought through, it's too easy to think, 'it won't be me /him.' It could result in permanent pain and suffering an well as many lesser complications.

You state no hormonal contraception, is this based on a recent consultation with your doctor? Or a copper coil, condoms or any of the myriad other contraceptive choices.

Different if DH is totally on board but since he isn't, sorry, can't agree.

How can you compare it to carrying children. We're you forced to carry your children? We're you blackmailed into it.

I understand you OP, DH is nearly 50 I don't think it would cripple us financially to have a 4th. We had a condom failure earlier in the year and never experienced that before. Thankfully he had not ejaculated. I'm in my 3rd pregnancy, we waited until my eldest finished her medical treatment before conceiving. We got pregnant straight away, which if you include my stepson means DH has hit bullseye 4 times out of 4, and I am petrified of having a 4th myself. Hormone contraception buggers me up and after having 3 pregnancies and giving up my career to raise our family I would like him to have the snip. I also think that once he turns 50 the risks of birth defects become greater, so it could potentially affect any unplanned future child. He is reluctant, but I won't pressure him. I don't know what we will do, I just wish they would hurry up with this male pill. Neither of us want to have a procedure done, I feel I have given more of my body to my family than he has. I want to have my baby and be left in peace by medical professionals (apart from the odd smear) until menopause hits and bits start to go wrong.

Yabu op.
You have no right to expect this of him. No right at all. You didn't do him a flavour by having your kids.

I've been where you are and I got myself 'fixed'. DH, for whatever atavistic reason, just couldn't bring himself to get the snip. Stupid, but there you go. Bottom line was that it was more important to me that we not have more babies, than it was that he was the one to have the op. After 2 premature but healthy sons, 2 miscarriages trying for one more, and my doctor telling me flat out 'don't try again', the paramount was that it get dealt with, not who got it dealt with.

I really can't say the recovery period is all that different. BFF's husband got the snip around the same time and he was out of commission longer than I was! Or would have been if I hadn't cadged my doctor into telling DH that I'd need at least a week's rest and 'no housework'. I was pretty much fine after 3 days, but let DH carry on with the heavy chores. BFF's husband was off work for 10 days with an icepack to his scrotum!

YABU - his body, his choice.

Sorry OP but if you asked me the same way as you have posted in this thread it'd be a big fat no. I think you are minimising in an effort to convince yourself that he should get it done.

I am just wondering what the response would be if the OP was man 'I can't face anymore kids so aibu to think she should get sterilised'

I am just wondering what the response would be if the OP was man 'I can't face anymore kids so aibu to think she should get sterilised'

I imagine he'd get the same answer: that he's totally U and its her body her choice. Bodily autonomy doesn't differ by gender. It is (or bloody should be) a fundamental human right.

winter I agree although I think there would be more outrage and less people telling him they sympathise and that she is being reasonable.

I am so shocked anyone thinks forcing someone to have an operation is reasonable

My DH had a vasectomy when he was with his exDP. She later had an affair and left him.

I would have loved to have a child with DH but because of a decision made during their relationship I can't (it happened too long ago to have a realistic chance of reversal now)

It seems pretty against her from where I'm looking. And I guess you can think she's completely unreasonable and still appreciate where she is coming from in her thinking.
She's totally wrong to try and force, persuade, blackmail or push him if he doesn't want to. But I can understand her wanting him to want too, which is kind of a different thing.

But I'm not forcing him. I'm asking if it's unreasonable to ask him to with the added fact I will get sterilised if needs be

YABVU, for all the reasons previous posters have already mentioned.

Sterilisation and hormonal contraception aren't the only options. How about you look into NFP?

It isn't reliable enough

you can't have a fourth baby, I agree. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask. If he says no, then use 2 x methods of contraception till you get sterilised.

"But I'm not forcing him. I'm asking if it's unreasonable to ask him to with the added fact I will get sterilised if needs be"

It's never BU to ask. But I t WBVU to go into that conversation with any expectation of what he should do (as that would, as you ask in OP, be both unfair and controlling)

Thats not what your OP says, even the title says you expect him to and you say he's reluctant but you still want to keep asking him.

But your OP said AIBU to "expect DH to get a vasectomy". The answer to that is "yes, YABU".

No-one has said you are unreasonable to ask him.

Lots of cross posts!

Surely it's relevant if you split up and he meets someone else and they want to have children?

As a pp said, it happens all the time. Otherwise there'd be no half siblings!

YABU to think that your DH 'should look into having a vasectomy' - this is a conversation that couples have on an equal level and take both parties feelings into account.

As you are clear that you don't want another baby, then the reliability of contraception is clearly important to you. But, it may be equally important to your DH that he retains his ability to father DCs - with you or someone else if your marriage fails.
Your feelings don't trump his; you need to work together to find a compromise.

As for whether you are bring controlling - I do think that you could be controlling if you act on your negative opinions about him having further children if you were to split.

Nonsense to all of this, after 3 babies of course any considerate husband should have a vasectomy. YANB in the slightest bit U.