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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
googoodolly · 03/07/2015 20:43

How is it unpleasant? Hmm It's true. Women get the duff deal biologically when it comes to parenthood. If you don't want your body to go through a fourth pregnancy then it's ultimately up to you to prevent that (be it contraception or sterilisation or abstinence).

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:44

Thanks Fraggle.

I respect the fact the decision lies with him, but ultimately my body has been through a hell of a lot.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 03/07/2015 20:52

well obvs you can't force him. you can certainly ask him.

your physical contribution to the family has been massive and will continue to be with a baby on the way and the main carer. i personally think it's time for him to step up.

just a thought, but if you end up having a cs maybe they can do it at the same time? do they do that?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:56

Thanks Eddie.

It is nice when people just acknowledge you've done your bit and that DH isn't just hedging his bets in case I, ruthless woman, throw him out again. Because there wasn't a reason he was asked to leave.

OP posts:
OrangeVase · 03/07/2015 21:04

Does no-one ever use the cap any more? I loved it. Easy peasy. Carried it with me all the time and had a spare at DPs at the time. Use in conjunction with condom and you really are safe. After DC I had a coil - and had no side effects with that, ( I realise some do).

Good luck OP - it must be hard for you at the moment.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 21:06

Thanks.

I've never used the cap. ;)

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/07/2015 21:08

I don't think you can "expect" him to have a surgical procedure, except perhaps if that had always been part of the deal (eg you have two pregnancies, he has the snip). But you can ask him to, and you can make clear to him what the implications of not having a vasectomy are, whether that is using condoms all the time, abstinence or him taking a career break to look after the children.

But I would say that if I were him I wouldn't make a significant decision like this while my relationship was in a rocky patch

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 21:12

The relationship will be more than rocky with a fourth child. Him agreeing to do this would mean a lot to be honest; obviously I can't force him but the message it would send to me would be encouraging.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/07/2015 21:27

I would never expect dh to have a vasectomy. However, when we get to the point where we are both certain that we don't want any more kids (only 99% there at the moment) then I would expect the two of us to consider what is the best way of permanently preventing them. If the logical best way of doing this (I haven't investigated yet as I have an implant in so we are covered for another 2.5 years) with the lowest impact on us as a family is a vasectomy then I would be very disappointed in my husband if he refused and wanted me to have a higher impact, more risky operation instead.

If the impact is similar then I would also think that perhaps it is his turn to do his bit.

If it is easier / safer for me then I would do it.

We will look at the statistics of the methods carefully when the time comes,

However, our marriage is pretty good so we can make these decisions together.

Libby10 · 03/07/2015 21:28

I think it is a lot to ask when your relationship has been through a rocky spell. There are alternative contraceptive measures which aren't so final. Seeing this as a test is quite a big ask - I think you both need to feel more confident in your relationship before asking him to do this. There are alternatives including the cap, coil, condoms.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 21:31

I'm still lost as to how our marriage impacts on this decision.

DH and I have three children. To go out and to have more children - either of us - would not be right. It would stretch the finances beyond what we could comfortably provide and there is an environmental impact as well.

Yes, there are alternatives but if DH wants sex on demand I think HE should be the one to instigate sorting contraception!

OP posts:
WayneRooneysHair · 03/07/2015 21:31

Why did you ask DH to leave OP? Expecting him to get the snip to send you an encouraging message puts pressure on him and I'm concerned that you see this as some kind of test or something that he has to pass.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 21:33

I do think it's a test of sorts as it acknowledges that pregnancy and childbirth takes its toll on my body. Or perhaps not a test so much as a request that was, I thought, reasonable, though the consensus here is that it is not because poor DH might want to start a new family one day.

OP posts:
VikingVolva · 03/07/2015 21:39

It's definitely not a 'test' of anything. That is beginning to sound like unfairness bordering on bullying, making demands that somehow this what he's do if he really loved you. It's not. It's his body and his choice.

If you are sure that you don't want more children, then you take the steps to permanently remove your fertility.

IcecreamHavoc · 03/07/2015 21:41

The relevance to your marriage having rocky parts is because it makes it more likely you will split and there's a chance he will want more kids with another woman. Surely you get that?

I was told to not have any more children. I wanted more. DH really didn't. He took the decision as he didn't want anymore and said I'd been though enough.

WayneRooneysHair · 03/07/2015 21:41

Absolutely Viking, if my wife demanded that I got the snip and that she saw it as a test of commitment or something I'm quite sure that I'd willingly 'fail' the test.

MatildaTheCat · 03/07/2015 21:42

Elderflower, on your replies you haven't at all acknowledged any of the very real medical risks vasectomy carries. These are not invented, they are real. Also, it is of course, your right to privacy but you haven't explained why you couldn't consider a coil, better still a Mirena ( not for everyone but oh, so worth a trial), or any other options. To go from NFP ( clearly not successful) to virtually insisting on vasectomy is a bit OTT bonkers. Does DH have to prove himself to you?

I do sympathise with your absolute desire for no more pregnancies but there are more options.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 21:45

Coils make me feel sick.

I've been pregnant / recovering from childbirth practically non stop for 2 years now.

Icecream I'm not hugely sympathetic to the argument that I am some sort of insurance policy. DH has three children.

OP posts:
Supersoft · 03/07/2015 21:47

Yabu mainly because you admit your marriage is rocky. If it wasn't I might be tempted to agree with you.

backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 21:47

I don't think your DH will be particularly sympathetic to the argument that this is some sort of test. I'd be very worried about the state of my relationship if my opinion on my DH rested on my forcing him to have a vasectomy or not... Hmm

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 03/07/2015 22:21

You don't want any more kids, you get sterilised.

You live with the permanent results of the surgery if thats what you want but don't force someone else to do it.

sykadelic · 03/07/2015 22:22

To answer the title of your OP, yes, YABU to expect your DH to do it. You are also being ridiculously unfair to say that his willingness to do something so serious for you indicates how much, or how little, he loves you (isn't that the excuse young boys use on young girls... "If you loved me you would", "X did it for his gf/wife/dp"). Emotional blackmail is unhealthy and unfair, and that's what you're doing.

You going through childbirth isn't relevant to anything except your decision for your body. You don't want another child so something needs to be done.

Him wanting another child or not (and whether that's with you or not) isn't relevant either. He is making a decision about his body that doesn't have any bearing on whether he loves and appreciates you. He may never have another child, but that doesn't mean he has to make such a serious decision right now and that that decision should mean anything negative for his relationship.

What actually needs to happen is a "no blame" filled conversation about options. Discuss the pros and cons with a doctor, research the risks and side effects. In the meantime another form of birth control will be needed. You don't want to take any hormonal contraception, you don't like the coil. There is still the option of a diaphragm, condoms (or both) or abstinence.

At the very least it doesn't seem like you are aware of the actual procedure for a woman and how long the healing time is, or the very serious risks for men (I know someone who had an adverse reaction and it was really really bad). Knowing what I know, I'd get it done myself rather than risk that consequence for my DH.

FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 22:33

What's the point of telling the OP to have a 'no blame' conversation if you end your post plonking down heavily against vasectomy?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 22:34

I am sure DH will tell me of the risks.

OP posts:
FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 22:34

I know someone who died after a tonsillectomy, doesn't mean it isn't still a relatively safe procedure.

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