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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 03/07/2015 19:47

'My missus is a bit of a twat - I even had to kick her out for a bit - and I don't want any more kids. AIBU to have her sterilised?'

For absolute fuck's sake.

britespark1 · 03/07/2015 19:49

Similar situation OP so feel your pain. We have three boys aged 4, 3 and 2 and the youngest was a BIG surprise. We weren't sure we could cope with three and the thought of a 4th terrifies me. My doctor has not been happy with my blood pressure of late and is considering taking me off the only pill that really works for me. Not keen on the other options for various reasons and I really want my DH to get the op done if indeed they take my pill off me. I am expecting to have to undergo sterlisation myself though if necessary although there will be some serious repercussions for the relationship. I had some serious health problems for the first two pregnancies and feel this should be taken into account by him. Just wanted to show a bit of solidarity!

zarzlee71 · 03/07/2015 19:49

Why can't you be sterilised instead? I think it's unreasonable to ask anyone to get that done. What if ''heaven forbid'' you split up and he wants children with someone else?

PeruvianFoodLover · 03/07/2015 19:49

pirates - a considerate wife wouldn't 'ask their husband to leave' when the marriage is rocky, though, would she?

CainInThePunting · 03/07/2015 19:50

If it helps, my sterilisation op was fairly easy going really. I have a small scar (under an inch) above my pubic bone where they went in and a much smaller one inside my belly button, for camera access.
I was home the same day.
A couple of days later I went on holiday to Scotland and was out walking and doing all the holiday activities you would expect.
Yes, it hurt a bit and I wasn't entirely comfortable afterwards but if as you say you CAN'T have four children then why even stress over the 'who has it done' debate. I would just get myself booked in asap if I were you. Bear in mind they tend to refuse you first ask so don't be put off.

Penfold007 · 03/07/2015 19:54

OP it isn't unreasonable to ask him. If he is reluctant or refuses then you need a robust discussion as to what contraceptives will be used. Ultimately if avoiding a fourth pregnancy is vital for you then you may need to take the responsibility.

takemetomars · 03/07/2015 19:58

the simplest answer for you is the copper coil. If your periods are heavy then the mirena coil. Both comparable to female sterilisation.
I do not think YABU. My husband was reluctant but capitulated BUT it was HIM who was adamant that we did not have a third child and therefore my POV was that he needed to do something about it

Cynara · 03/07/2015 19:59

DP and I have talked about this, and the decision has been that as I have had the responsibility of years of hormonal contraception, one pregnancy and birth and another (possibly 2) on the cards in the future, when the time comes that we decide our family is complete, he's going to take the hit for once and have a vasectomy. He's perfectly happy to do so as he feels that it's fair (as do I!)

It's your OH's decision to make because it's his body, but I think it's perfectly fair of you to raise it for discussion.

Duckdeamon · 03/07/2015 19:59

Yabu, his body his choice.

Condoms?

Theas18 · 03/07/2015 20:01

Look into ESSURE sterilisation. It won't knock you off your feet etc if he doesn't agree to vasectomy

carabos · 03/07/2015 20:02

You do realise that his vasectomy doesn't affect your fertility Hmm? It would mean that you could still have the fourth child you say you don't want.

It's you who needs to get sterilised.

Kittykatmacbill · 03/07/2015 20:04

Can't you use a copper coil? Condoms? They are both more effective than sterilisation .

But yabu. His body his choices. Imagine this thread in reverse...

somewheresomehow · 03/07/2015 20:05

yabu
you will not be out of action for weeks
hosp in the morning back in the afternoon, sore stitches for a few days
and no more babies
i did it and wished i had the lot out instead

googoodolly · 03/07/2015 20:06

Look at it from his viewpoint. You've kicked him out once and kept the kids. Things have been rocky. You're going through an unplanned pregnancy which will put massive stress onto your relationship. In his mind, he's probably thinking "she's ended it once, what's to stop her doing it again for good, and keeping the kids like before. If I have a vasectomy, and we break up and I meet someone else, I've ruined my chances of having a family with them".

Sounds negative, but I can totally see his side and in his shoes I wouldn't be having a vasectomy either. My DP was in his position once (three kids, ex wanted him to have a vasectomy). They split up before he could have the operation and he is so grateful he never got it done because otherwise we could never have a family together. I know in your mind that's worse case scenario but you have no right to tell him he has to make himself infertile for you.

If you don't want more children, use condoms or get sterilised yourself.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:19

I definitely don't want the coil.

I will look into sterilisation if he won't.

OP posts:
slithytove · 03/07/2015 20:20

When you are the one who doesn't want any more children, I'm afraid the onus for contraception falls on you. Does DH want more?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:21

No, but since he doesn't have to carry them or look after them much he is less worried about the prospect of a fourth than me.

OP posts:
grisclair · 03/07/2015 20:22

It isn't reliable enough

Not true, if done properly NFP is extremely reliable. Just not something that's being promoted in the UK as there's nothing in it for pharmaceutical companies.

googoodolly · 03/07/2015 20:23

Why doesn't he look after his DC much?

slithytove · 03/07/2015 20:29

Has he expressed any opinion on a vasectomy?

butterfly133 · 03/07/2015 20:29

elderflowerriver "No, but since he doesn't have to carry them or look after them much he is less worried about the prospect of a fourth than me."

see, that worries me - sounds like he doesn't think at all about the effect of a fourth one. In the end that will likely stop him having the surgery.

I would understand if he said "what if we break up and I want kids with someone else". but from that statement alone I really think you should have the procedure done.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:31

He works full time.

We've always done NFP. Hence DC3

OP posts:
googoodolly · 03/07/2015 20:34

Are you a SAHM, OP? If you are, I would really recommend getting yourself sterilised. You're the one who would do the majority of the childcare and who would have to carry a fourth baby to term, and bf if that's what you want. If you really don't think you can handle that then you need to take responsibility for it.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 20:38

Your post above was unpleasant googoo.

I have already said I will get sterilised if needs be.

OP posts:
FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 20:42

YANBU at all to want him to have a vasectomy. It's the least he could do to be honest.

But obviously the decision lies with him.