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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
TheOddity · 03/07/2015 22:36

His body, his decision. Yabu.

Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 22:37

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Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 22:38

It'll be the same here. DH can get carried away.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 03/07/2015 22:47

That is beginning to sound like unfairness bordering on bullying, making demands that somehow this what he's do if he really loved you. It's not. It's his body and his choice. If you are sure that you don't want more children, then you take the steps to permanently remove your fertility

This and only this.

MatildaTheCat · 03/07/2015 22:47

OP, with real respect to you, the statement that 'Coils make me feel sick.' Does come across as a bit silly. Many of us have had many years of contraceptive bliss with coils of one kind or another. If it doesn't suit, it comes out. If a vasectomy doesn't work out well that isn't an option.

As I think you are currently pregnant then please take time to consider your options and do some research. Few doctors would offer vasectomy at this stage anyway.

Wishing you well.

Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 22:51

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backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 22:52

Jeez, as women we are not just there to make mens lives easy!

Hmm
basgetti · 03/07/2015 22:52

YANBU to hope he would do it. I couldn't physically cope with another pregnancy and I have adverse reactions to hormonal contraception. DP was the one who has suggested he has a vasectomy as I have been through enough both mentally and physically so we are looking into it. Pregnancy for me has meant diabetes, severe HG, miscarriage and PND. Neither of us are keen that I have to add abortion to that list. I would think less of DP if he hadn't at least brought it up as an option and had instead expected everything to fall to me again.

Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 22:54

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CassieBearRawr · 03/07/2015 22:59

As a general rule I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, and to be honest to expect. YWBU to demand though, his body his choice.

I do think though that given you feel so very, very strongly against future pregnancies you should be the one to take responsibility for your own fertility - what if the vasectomy failed or reversed?

MaidOfStars · 03/07/2015 22:59

But apple we recognise a male's right to bodily autonomy?

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/07/2015 23:05

Maid

"But apple we recognise a male's right to bodily autonomy?"

It seems that not everybody on the thread believes that a male has a right to bodily autonomy. Sad

TBH, I can't see the OP's relationship lasting very much longer, if her DH doesn't have the snip the resentment it will cause will end the marriage.

FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 23:12

If the marriage ends I'd wager it will be because of more than just the vasectomy.

Appleblossom82 · 03/07/2015 23:14

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BoneyBackJefferson · 03/07/2015 23:20

FraggleHair

Given that the OP has already kicked her DH out once you maybe correct.

FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 23:23

Marriages tend to be more complex than a snapshot AIBU portrays them.

2LittleFishes · 03/07/2015 23:23

I don't think yabu at all op!!!

I completely agree that a man should have autonomy over his body but surely there can be some expectations with regards to him taking some responsibility for contraception?!

I have been with my husband since 18, less than a year in, i fell pregnant whilst on the pill. We both made the decision to terminate.

Some years later I fell pregnant with dc1 although using condoms as a precaution as I was a week late with my shot.

Dc2 was planned not long after and we both felt 100% sure this was our family complete.

After pregnancies I could no longer tolerate hormonal contraception so was fitted with the copper coil as husband was unwilling to have the snip.

6 months later I was pregnant...!!

That pregnancy ended is miscarriage and only now is my husband prepared to consider a vasectomy.

To be honest it had completely changed my opinion if him. I think he was incredibly selfish to not have considered it more. Although no decision had been reached prior to the miscarriage, I know he was strongly swayed towards a second termination.

How is it that it is my responsibility to prevent pregnancies and suffer with the anguish surrounding a termination because he doesn't like the idea of a vasectomy??

I expected support and understanding from him and he only took the decision seriously when every other method I had tried had failed.

Men should have autonomy over their body, but be decent enough to recognise that their partners aren't solely responsible for contraception.

noeffingidea · 03/07/2015 23:28

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be sterilised yourself if you're quite adamant that you don't want another child yourself. What would happen if you split up, you meet someone else and you're still fertile? Expect the new man to have a vasectomy?
I had a sterilisation because I didn't want any more children. I didn't even ask my (now ex) husband to have a vasectomy, because I felt so strongly about not wanting any more children.
And I agree with others. I had keyhole surgery, I was discharged about 3 hours afterwards and I honestly had no pain whatsoever. I was pretty much recovered by the next day.

noeffingidea · 03/07/2015 23:31

Sorry that was to the op, not to 2littlefishes. It looks as if I was responding to the previous post.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/07/2015 23:36

Fraggle

Most things are more complex than a snapshot on AIBU.

Fishes

"Men should have autonomy over their body, but be decent enough to recognise that their partners aren't solely responsible for contraception"

The snip is not the only recognised form of male contraception.

FraggleHair · 03/07/2015 23:39

Yes Boney I realise that.

MaidOfStars · 03/07/2015 23:41

Is it wrong that I think I am the one responsible for contraception, as in 'the buck stops here'?

worridmum · 03/07/2015 23:44

2littlefishes well a woman can have atomany of her body but must have expectations that her husband can demand / insist she undergoes an abortion because the time isnt right to have children and their is nothing wrong with presuring them to change their minds no non totally fine right or any other surgical procdure Hmm

I thought so my point is that its YOU that does not want anymore children so it should be YOU that makes the decision and goes for the perment solution and get yourself steiliized instead of presuring your husband

2LittleFishes · 03/07/2015 23:51

Your right there boney however, when (in my case) condoms have previously resulted in pregnancy and with a husband who would much rather condom free sex then we're back to the fact that it's me who is, as a result, responsible for preventing a pregnancy.

Surely if my husband is 100% sure he doesn't want any more children (with me or anyone else) he should be open to the idea of sterilisation?

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/07/2015 00:01

Fishes

I agree that if your DH as adamant that he doesn't want children then the bulk of the responsibility should be with him but that doesn't mean sterilisation.

But in this case it appears that it is the op that doesn't want children so surely she should take the responsibility for it.