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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:08

Yeah I will have the op myself if he won't, but it's just a lot to go through in 2 years - pregnancy and childbirth twice then sterilisation!

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 03/07/2015 18:09

Being sterilised doesn't put you out of action for weeks

yabu

scaevola · 03/07/2015 18:09

Well, men always have to be 'cut open' (even the 'no scalpel' technique involves an incision). Women, not always.

For Essure, no incision required at all. Other female sterilisation nowadays so usually laparoscopic, so incision similar to for men.

S if neither of you want to be 'cut open', then female sterilisation by Essure is probably the best option.

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 03/07/2015 18:09

I told DH it was up to him but I wasn't taking responsibility for contraception either because I felt my body had done enough (3 DC also and also don't like hormonal contraception), and so he had the choice of condoms, snip or no sex.

Sirzy · 03/07/2015 18:10

I think if, by your own admission, your marriage has been rocky I can understand even more his reluctance to have it done if it isn't what he wants.

You need to sit down and discuss the options together but the presumption certainly shouldn't be that he have a versectomy.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:11

I don't understand why our marriage has anything to do with it - it doesn't change the fact he's got three DCs!

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 18:12

Surely it's relevant if you split up and he meets someone else and they want to have children?

LazyLouLou · 03/07/2015 18:13

YABVVU.

  1. You don't say if you have discussed it. Has he refused?
  2. You state you won't use contraception. So that undermines your argument. You get to make 2 unilateral decisions there!
  3. You don't get 'cut open', it's keyhole surgery, in next door to your belly button. You can even have it done under local, and no cut is made at all
www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/female-sterilisation.aspx
  1. You wont be put of action for weeks, just no heavy lifting for a week.

So shelve your anxiety, have that discussion and make an informed decision.

Good luck!

OrangeVase · 03/07/2015 18:13

Disagree. Ask him by all means but if I were in his position I wouldn't.

You were rocky. You asked him to move out, (presumably he had to leave the kids). If you split again I imagine you would keep the kids. He would be alone with access which over time becomes quite difficult. Yet he would never be in a position to have more kids.

If you got pregnant again you would decide whether or not to terminate. He would have no say over your body - you should have no say over his.

Use a cap and a coil plus condoms. I did when I was sure I didn't want to be pregnant.

That sounds a bit harsh. Good luck with your marriage and your new little one

Ludways · 03/07/2015 18:13

When I first broached this with dh he flat out refused, I let it drop. I got the coil and suffered awful with it. I mentioned it to dh, explained how things were for me and that he needed to step up and take some responsibility for the family and for me. He didn't want to use condoms but was adamant he wanted no more children. He took responsibility and booked the appointment himself, he asked me to go with him and I even held his hand during the procedure. I didn't force him but I came up with an informed and reasonable reason why he should at least seriously consider it. That was 8 years ago now, since then a few of his mates have asked about it and have had it done too.

AuntieStella · 03/07/2015 18:13

"There have been irreversible changes to my body caused by having our child"

That's a basic biological difference though. Men can't bear children.

Either men or women can opt for surgical removal of fertility. And that decision to make surgical changes to a body is unrelated to other irreversible changes to a body, or someone else's body arising from other circumstances.

(though does Essure count as surgery?)

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:15

He hasn't said no but he's reluctant.

As I've said, he's got three children and I do think to go on to have more would be quite bizarre even as a second family.

I just can't have a fourth baby.

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 18:17

As I've said, he's got three children and I do think to go on to have more would be quite bizarre even as a second family.

Not bizarre in the slightest. Happens all the time!

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:19

Yes but it doesn't make it right.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 03/07/2015 18:19

DH had one, when he'd got the stage that he realised HE wouldn't want to have any more children. I think it would be unfair to force this onto your DH.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 03/07/2015 18:19

I don't understand why our marriage has anything to do with it - it doesn't change the fact he's got three DCs!

As I've said, he's got three children and I do think to go on to have more would be quite bizarre even as a second family

But what would it have to do with you if he might want more in the future? Other than you don't to be the one having them....

None of it matters. Nobody has the right to tell anyone else to do with their body. Having children doesn't give you that right. That was your choice to do that with your body.

backwardpossom · 03/07/2015 18:20

Um, why? Confused

worridmum · 03/07/2015 18:21

bah if you do not want anymore children it is on YOU to make that descion for yourself you should have NO right to dictate / blackmail / pressure your husband to under go surgery

Just like your husband would have no right to dictate / blackmail / pressure you to have a abortion and he would rightly be branded a twat of epic purpostions for doing said actions but its perfectly acceptable for women to use blackmail / pressuring men to have vistoricomrys which have a 10% chance of major complications and in fact women sertilizitions carry far less risk then a male one........

Your body your choice but only if your a women it seems.......

thatsshallot · 03/07/2015 18:21

Yanbu but we have 3 dcs and the last stretched us and our marriage to the limit so DH gaily skipped to Dr to get his done (had day after off and back at work Friday, worst but was itch of pubes growing back!)

Viviennemary · 03/07/2015 18:22

It's his body and if he doesn't want a vasectomy then he shouldn't have one. Why don't you get permanently sterlised. It's a huge step for anyone IMHO.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 18:22

FFS where have I said I am blackmailing him? Confused

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/07/2015 18:23

I'm going to name change to 'I haunt vasectomy threads' ;)

Please remember vasectomy is not a risk-free procedure. There is 10-15% chance of problems - some life changing. Ask him by all means but if he's reluctant, accept it...

scaevola · 03/07/2015 18:23

" I just can't have a fourth baby".

Another reason for you to look in to female sterilisation, taking steps that you can choose to protect your own well-being.

Which, incidentally takes effect either the next month (laparoscopic) or up to 3 months (Essure).

Vasectomy requires semen testing for an all clear, abandoning other contraception. That typically takes 4-6 months, but if unlucky much longer. Up to a year is still considered normal, and I'm not the only one on MN where is took to about the 18 month point.

So going for the procedures which become effective faster might be important for you.

PtolemysNeedle · 03/07/2015 18:27

If he's reluctant then let it drop. It borders on abusive to pressure someone into something like this. How would you feel if he was pressuring you to have a medical procedure you really don't want?

You are adamant you don't want more children, so you be the one to sort it.

coconutpie · 03/07/2015 18:28

YABVVVU. You cannot expect him to have a vasectomy. If he wants one, that is his decision - not yours. If you want to ensure no more children, then you should get sterilised.

I also think you are being very U regarding the responses on your marriage. You've already kicked him out once so things were / are rocky, then you expect him to get a vasectomy. He'd be crazy to get a vasectomy in that instance - what if things don't work out? What if he meets someone else and she wants kids / he wants more? It's a likely scenario if your marriage is already rocky. It happens...