To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

What an awful situation to be in. You may be better off moving your thread to the Teenagers section.

Not really got any advice but don't feel bad for not liking him, its hardly surprising! I don't think anyone would like him at the moment, hope it all gets sorted out soon for you and congrats on the pregnancy

report him the police

As this is MN: call the police or LTB.

Seriously tho OP, what do you think is the root of his behaviour? What sort of friends does he have and how is he at school?

YANBU. You love him unconditionally which, considering how he has been... well he's lucky to have you. You don't have to like him.

The thing that stands out for me is that your DD is being physically abused. This is so much more than sibling scuffling. He's abusing her. I agree with a PP, report him to the police. He needs to see that what he's doing isn't right.

You main duty right now is to keep your family safe.

YANBU. I don't like him either from what you've put here.

Has he always been like this?

You say you are expecting a baby. That's a big gap after 14 years and 10 years. Is your DH your son's father?

Call the police. You need to safeguard your daughter and it may be the quickest way to access help for your son/family.

Yanbu to not like him at the moment, his behaviour makes that perfectly understandable. How do you protect your dd? What are the consequences for him when he abuses her?

Have you been to talk to the school? How is his behaviour there? Does he have friends?

What consequences does he have for his behaviour? Does he listen to your DH?

Sorry for firing off questions, you are living in an awful situation. I hope Camhs contact you soon - get the school on board, that will only help.

You have to get him some help for his sake and for your dd's sake. She is being abused which is a situation you can't tolerate. What's making your DS so unhappy? Bullying? Hormones? You need to find out ASAP and get this sorted.

He is using drugs by the sound of it

You need to get help here to protect your daughter - also your son is a child he needs help

God almighty op. Protect your dd from this violence before he puts her in hospital or worse.

If this Was her dad inflicting this in her she would be taken away from you and into care.

Protect her now or you couid loose both her and your baby could also be removed from you unless you can demonstrate your ability to keep he/she safe.

Go to the police today. Get help for all of you.

My thoughts are with you.

Right he is battering his sister this isn't sibling squabbles he is beating up a little girl .if he he a 10 year old in the street he could be arrested how long is this going to go on for how long are you going to let him rule your house/ life he has serious problems go to school ask for a meeting with pastoral care ask for help I know you probably don't want school involved but there seems to be no help or support for kids like your son outside of school I wouldn't like him much either to be honest doesn't mean you don't love him but your 10yr old isn't safe I am sorry you are going through this sounds bloody tough .

Right he is battering his sister this isn't sibling squabbles he is beating up a little girl .if he he a 10 year old in the street he could be arrested how long is this going to go on for how long are you going to let him rule your house/ life he has serious problems go to school ask for a meeting with pastoral care ask for help I know you probably don't want school involved but there seems to be no help or support for kids like your son outside of school I wouldn't like him much either to be honest doesn't mean you don't love him but your 10yr old isn't safe I am sorry you are going through this sounds bloody tough .

police definantly ! my eldest is aspie and as his moods swayed towards aggressive at times towards younger siblings when he was 16, i told him he had to move out to his nans, it worked as a busy enviroment calmed him down. the last straw was when he punched his sister[15] i had him arrested, he was cautioned. harsh may be but was needed at the time. has a good relationship with sibs now for best part [he's 22] but tough love was the answer. could soclal services help you ?he may have to move out for the safety of the rest of the family. this domestic violence at the end of the day, and as a family you need serious help and support and quick. i would not have him under my roof unless he gets help. anger management might be the answer, let us know your thoughts, it does you good to off load, also is dh his dad ? if not would it be possible for bio dad to step in and perhaps give some help ? i really feel for you and your dd.

Sorry double posted.

sorry meant to say a busy enviroment made him worse but at his nans it was much better for him.

Yes he's always had a short fuse and it's always been like living on egg shells around him, our home life is dictated by his moods and everybody is on edge all the time with him, same on days out, I absolutely dread it, say for example we take both DC out to a theme park, the day will have to go exactly how he wants it to, what rides he wants to go on, in the order he wants to do them, where we go to eat and if it doesn't go his way then we'll all get shouted and sworn at, very loudly! It's really embarrassing, completely ruins the day for everyone and it drains the life out of DH, DD and I.
His behaviour is ok in school although he does get extra help as he's had anxiety issues and his behaviour at home does affect his school life as he will often be late or just refuses to go to school, he can refuse to go for the silliest reasons.. He lost his pens or pencils, his blazer has a crease in it, he can't find the hair gel that he wants, he will have a complete meltdown over these things.
No DH isn't his dad.

I'm not sure what to say. It is easy to give advice from the outside. I presume you've tried talking to him about the impact of his behaviour when he has calmed down. I like the non violent communication stuff as it helps you to have non judgemental conversation s so you don't inflame the situation. It works. I understand why you are avoiding but it won't help & he might feel abandoned.

I think you can call the community police officer they might be able to help you I missed a bit I didn't read you have had him at tge Drs numerous times.

Theres a lot going on in your family life. Is it a sudden change in behaviour? Although you gave a lot of information, there wasn't a lot of earlier background. Did your DS used to be the man of the house? Was he a lovely child? A responsible one? Go back far enough, was he put out by the arrival ofhis sister? Now there's another one on the way and he is angrier than normal?

His behaviour is unacceptable. If you are scared of him, he won't listen to you. What is he like when not angry? Will he listen to someone then?

You might want to post in relationships or teenagers. There have been similar really sad stories with some good advice. Mainly to go to the school and also police. This is abusive behaviour and at 14 he knows very well it is not on. There is also the danger that he will continue on into adulthood to think this is the norm.

I think you mean CAMHS which is child and adolescent mental health services. You absolutely need a referral to them as this is the gateway to all mental health support for younger people. You gp is right to send you on to them.

I wish you well and hope you get help. It's a terrible position to be in as a parent. Have you approached his school? What is his relationship with your DH like?

waterrat, sadly very young children don't aren't always aware of what they are doing is wrong, he's not a child , but a young adult who knows fully well that he runs the house hold and he needs to be treated as a young adult, in juvenile offender system if need be, if this is hormones, then i'm a monkeys uncle, there is something seriously wrong with this lad, and he needs serious help.

Ring the police. It sounds as though you need some outside help.

You need to protect your daughter and potentially your unborn baby and he needs help.