To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

Sorry forgot to add he does have friends at school and seems to be well liked but has no social life out of school with friends. He is very immature for his age and I'm not sure if I could trust him out on his own with friends.

How long has your DH been around and do he and your son get along? does he have a relationship with his own Dad?

OP, your son is still a child. It is not your fault he is behaving this way, but you are the only person who can set some boundaries and limits. Instead of abnegating your responsibility and sitting in Costa waiting for your partner to return, you need to take control. You have total power over his whole life, and it sounds as though you need to reestablish it as soon as possible. This means that you need to take action - get the school, social workers, a counsellor, your GP on side and come up with a plan. He should be confined to his room, and deprived of all treats and freedoms including the internet, anything electronic including his phone, all after school activities, anything sugary to eat, and all meetings with friends. As his behaviour improves, you can reintroduce these things as rewards. Basically, I would micromanage everything until he starts behaving better.

I had a family member like this. Unfortunately CAMHS was as useful as a chocolate teapot. It all came to head after said family member got in serious police trouble, shocked him into 're-evaluating his life. Reporting him to the police without 'evidence' won't help you much, the likelihood is that a SS referral will be made . I don't like SS myself (have very good reason) however a support worker may do wonders for your son. They can take him out of the situation, get him to open up about his anger issues (you are 'too close' to the situation to make any head way yourself I'm afraid), giving you the respite you obviously need.

Can you pinpoint when this behavior started? Has he always been temperamental, could it be hormonal, has anything 'big' happened to cause such distressing behavior? Is he upset by the prospect of another child in the house?

In the short term I would sit down with him. Talk to him like an adult, explain that his behavior is causing everyone pain, including himself. Say 'I know you don't like being this way, I love you and can't stand seeing you so sad. You know I'm here for you, but I can't have you hurting your sister. So what can I do to help you?'

I would give him a diary or notepad for him to write his thoughts in, promise you won't read it unless he wants to share. Ask him to show restraint, when he feels anger rising to try his hardest to walk away from everyone, take 10 mins in his room, deep breaths, etc. He needs to know that he is loved, but in equal measure his behavior will not be tolerated.

HTH, sorry for any x post whilst writing this!

Sorry. x post
He definitely needs extra input. I hope CAHMS can put you in the right direction. Get school on board. Do they have a support base or do you have a named teacher for guidance. They can be great support to get help.

Sorry x post. You need to press for CAMHS referral sonner rather than later imo and do seek support from the school. MH provision is very hit and miss because of lack of funding but persevere.

I would phone cahms today tell them his violence and aggression is getting worse escalating you are at your end don't wait you and your family especially your little girl deserve better
I suspect this has been going on most of his life trying to keep him calm trying to placate him so he doesn't kick off giving him control over everybody he will be a man soon out in the big world do you want him in a young offenders because he can't control himself

Yes there might be a cpo attached to the school

I feel awful as a mother like I've failed him and am also failing my DD. I feel torn, I love my son very much and want desperately to help him anyway I can with his anger problems, he can be such a loving boy, has a great sense of humour but it's only when DD isn't around. I also need to protect my daughter, she doesn't deserve this and I worry about the impact this is having on her. I'm still in tears 2 hours after this mornings incident.
We've had social services involved, I'm regularly on the phone or going into the school for meetings with the senco teacher, I don't stay quiet about our problems.. I want help! I'm desperate for it! But I never seem to get anywhere with it, I've had family friends involved, social services sent me on a parenting course, my son has had one on one therapy at school but it only lasts for a couple of months then social services close the case and we're left to get on with it. I'm hoping this latest referral to CAHMS will give is the help we all so desperately need.

Tell him that next time he hits his sister you will call the police and have him charged with assault. Then do it.

You son is obviously troubled and he needs external help - as well as your love and support. And your dd needs protection - maybe you and the new baby will as well. CAMHS will wake up once you've had police/SS involvement (shouldn't be this way but it is).

Definitely police. He needs sorting out. He can't go round behaving like that.

Yes, this isn't normal. I have a 13 yo DS and just this morning he caused a shit storm with his siblings and I had to use all my willpower so I didn't stangle him......but what you are describing is different, if you have the money I would look for an appropriate therapist and see if that helps.

I do think young boys can get the shitty end of the stick with puberty, they are not supposed to show emotion like girls and they don't tend to have the same peer support. Another major issue is that you need to protect your DD, it's just not fair for her to live in such an atmosphere.

My situation is very similar. My son is 17 and is abusive to his sister10, and recently seriously assaulted his 18 year old sister. I had to ring emergency, he was taken away in cuffs and my daughter to hospital. We have an avo in place. Please do something to stop this now. Trust me they get stronger, he could kill her unintentionally when he is stronger. Do it for your daughter, and do it for your son. He is terrorising you all and he needs to know that there are real life legal consequences for him. This will not go away. I deeply regret letting our situation go on for so long. You have my deepest understanding, if yoi would like to pm me you can. I am very unjudgemental. Xxx

My son, also is so gorgeous, funny and I adore him. I also felt so torn, and terribly guilty. There was a post about it under my old name Purplepilot if you would like to look at it. Big hugs to you.

You are not a bad mum at all but at the moment you are being, understandably, passive about this.

The CAMHS referral might be acted upon sooner if the school press as well. Whoever is responsible for your son's pastoral care in school can call and support the referral.

I also agree whole heartedly that you must call the police when your son is violent. It seems like a dreadful thing to do but it is often the fastest and most efficient way to get the support your whole family needs. At the moment he is ruling the roost so that must change. He needs to see that you will protect your family from his behaviour and the police is an appropriate call considering his violence.

Contact the school and ask for an urgent meeting with a social worker and the educational psychologist present. The school should have a chronology of events and actions so you can together build a 'case' for whatever support is considered most appropriate.

In cases like this op, from my experience you need to be the squeeking gate AND take from action yourself

Passive is not the right word. Terrified into a lack of forceful action. Not sure there is one word.

Try to work with your partner about developing a risk management plan for when he behaves this this and ascertain his triggers.

For example -
Avoid where possible Dd being alone with DS in the very short term.
Any violence is a call to the police. If you struggle making the actual call ask your partner for support
Refuse to engage with him shouting and swearing. Use as much deescalting language as you can "you are obviously angry right now so I am going to leave you for x minutes before we talk" then walk away quickly and confidently.

If you tell him to do something will he do it? So if you send him to his room will he go?

Dos he ever talk about these incidents after they have happened? Is he regretful?

Sorry for all the questions I am just running through it all in my head

You poor soul nobody seems willing to keep the help going I have heard of parents being sent on courses and then being left to get on with it. Is I your son who needs the help sometimes parents with all the best will in the world can't do it on their own they need outside help unfortunately it is often down to resourses and money . Phone social services again

You described how he flips out when things don't go his way. Is this a 'can't handle change in routine or expectations, might be autistic' sort of behaviour, or does it feel more like he's just a toerag who wants to be in charge all the time?

I feel so bad that you're not getting adequate help. This is a real highlight of how people fall through the cracks.

So many questions...but I think the main one is your DH a newish event? Did your DS feel like the 'alpha male' before?
You have always been treading on egg shells with him - so he has always been 'in charge' whether you realised it or not.

If he can control it at school he can control it at home. It does need you to get tough.
So eg ruining the day at the theme park - before you go you tell him your expectations, if he misbehaves fine - the next time you leave him at home -or even leave him there at the park - just walk away from him.
You still control the finances. He could in theory get a part time job - give him his own income to get things he wants - but then that might be quite good.
At the moment you have a small window to make change. Phone contracts are there to be cancelled, wifi passwords changed, clothing etc to be earned. He doesn't sound like he is going to go out stealing for things yet.
(I have threatened to throw teen DDs phone out of the second floor window when she has been pushing her luck - and she knows I would do it...)
And I do agree you need CAMHS involved too. Push for it. But tell him you will call the police if he assault your DD again - and if he ignores it really do it...no empty threats, no excuses.
He may have MH issues -but then he has to go out in the world soon - would you like him behaving the way he is with you - or your DD - with someone else - like a girlfriend/wife?

He sounds like he has too much power in the household (and responsibility) for a hormonal teen...and uses his (possible) MH problems to a degree as an excuse.
(And you can love someone but hate them at the same time - I think the more you love someone the more you can feel like they are letting you down by bad behaviour, the stronger your feeling of dislike)
Good Luck

Sorry to hear this OP. How awful for your family

To be honest it sounds as if he is smoking skunk weed - search his room when you can. I also wonder if someone else is getting at him in some way and he's scared, and that manifests as anger towards you/DD as he has no control over the way another person is treating him - if that makes sense.

You definetely need outside intervention this is too much for you to cope with right now, yes you can delve into the reasons why but you aren't a counsellor and a trained person could come up with some strategies to deal with this. Also your DD needs to be protected from this before he does her serious emotional and physical harm.

You've had some good suggestions on here so hopefully you will follow them up and make leeway. Its so frustrating when you need help, and its an uphill battle to get it when you already have more than enough on your plate.

Good luck

Sorry if I'm missing anyone's questions, I'm reading through all the comments and trying to answer them. Also thank you to everyone for all your comments, support and advice.
Passmethecrisps - No he is never regretful for anything he does, after everything's calmed down I will try and speak with him alone and I'm either met with a 'fuck off' or he will just point blank refuse to talk about it. He rarely does anything I ask him, he will only do what he wants when he wants. He spend most of his time in his room anyway, he might come out if he's bored but that will mean he will pick a fight with someone (usually DD) then he will disappear back into his room after he's caused upset!