To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

the thing with adhd or any other diagnosis people want to put on it (including 'anger management' problems) is that these things happen in more than one location and with with more than one set of people. whereas domestic violence and abuse does not, it is contained, controlled and exerted only where it is safe for the abuser to do it.

i'm sorry, i know that is to read when applied to a child but this young man is not doing this to school or to random males of his own age or in situations or places where there would be actual consequences. he's doing it at home to his 10yo sister and pregnant mother.

great cahms is getting involved and i hope they can do something but tbh the reality is he is controlling and choosing where and to whom to behave like this and knowing there are no consequences in the context he is choosing. i'm afraid i would sit him down and say what you have done today is a crime called assault and the next time you hit me or your sister i will be forced to call the police because i have a legal obligation to protect us and when i allow you to get away with violently assaulting your sister or me, whilst pregnant, i am failing that duty of care. the next time he did i would then phone 999 to report a violent assault.

great if cahms can help him but he has to face the reality of what he's doing and that it does indeed have consequences.

currently he's learning it's ok to abuse women in the home and get away with it and your daughter is learning it's ok to be abused in the home and do nothing about it. for both of their sakes and your own you want to quickly turn that lesson on it's head and correct it.

Call the police each and every time. Tell them you will press charges or they won't bother coming out. I've dealt with this kind of stuff myself and called the police in my 12 year old this mornin.

Take care

That fat lip he gave his sister, how he speaks to her, could quite easily be a partner several years down the line, he is 14, 4 years away from adulthood, you and DH need to knock this on the head ASAP.

sorry i also meant to say you'll always find it hard to get 'help' and support if the problem doesn't effect anyone else. re: if it's only happening at home not at school. however if you report his assaults on your dd and protection for her comes into play then you may see a difference.

OP I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem to be ignoring all the comments about calling the police

Please, for gods sake, protect your daughter. By taking a passive approach you are basically telling her that protecting your son from the consequences of his behaviour is more important than ensuring her physical safety. Heartbreaking

why doesn't your DH step in and have a word with him? sorry but sounds like you are letting him walk all over you and your family and your DH is standing by letting it happen as well. he obviously realises no one will stand up to him when he kicks off - thats absolutely wrong.

Yes you both need to stamp on this behaviour and present a united front, that the violence towards sister and yourself is not acceptable. If this happens again, you will have no hesitation calling the Police on him. Your dh needs to sit down, and have a man to man talk about his behaviour. Next time he is violent and aggressive towards you are your dd, the Police are called. What is your daughter learning from this, that its ok to be treated like this, this might influence the type of partner she has when she is an adult. Think very carefull about it!

I think his behaviour is not really that abnormal.I think it is normal for siblings to have enormous animosity.Jealousy is always the route.

Firstly the kid is enormously unsettled that you are having a baby with 'golden boy' you clearly all love, whereas his father you are no longer with.he is bound to be anxious that he is will be pushed down the pecking order.
Regarding his 10 yr old sister
she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do yes she no doubt knows how to push his buttons and stand back smelling of roses.She knows she is going to hit the jackpot every time.He will explode , you will get mad at him, she will get the fuss and attention and maybe even get to go to Costa.Well owrth a push or a shove!!
The bottom line is your DS is getting a huge surge of testosterone which he is having difficulty managing.If your DD was in any frightened of your DS she wouldn't wind him up.
This is not like an adult wife beater, this is a child who is in a state of emotional and physical flux being deliberately goaded.
Everytime find out exactly what happened from both children. If your DD has deliberately provoked him, they both need to be punished

An just wanted to say, hang in there .It is a horrible stage, but it will pass.In the meantime be consistent in demonstrating your love for him.Praise everything you possibly can

Judge, yes the behaviour is not normal, please stop normalising violence and aggresssion. It goes beyond normal sibling rivalry. Yes he sounds like he has underlying issues, and that is why op and her partner or ds dad, need to be on top of this and utilise professional help. Yes if he is violent towards the sister, the Police need to be called. So several years down the line, if ds has a partner, and she 'winds him up', its ok to hit is it Judge, you made me do it, its your fault. That is what a lot of abusive men say.

"the thing with adhd or any other diagnosis people want to put on it (including 'anger management' problems) is that these things happen in more than one location and with with more than one set of people. whereas domestic violence and abuse does not, it is contained, controlled and exerted only where it is safe for the abuser to do it."

This doesn't always apply, and I believe that because ^ this is the generalised view, it is nigh on impossible to get appropriate understanding and support in cases like this, which leaves too many parents alone and helpless when dealing with difficult behaviour.

There is a book called The Explosive Child which would be worth looking at, it may be aimed a little younger than 14, but has strategies that would still help.

My 9 year old is very like this. On the ASD spectrum but not enough for a diagnosis, but our day to day lives sound similar to yours, yet he masks it in school and other places, so when we try to get support, we gat blank looks and unhelpful "but he's fine". We are trying desperately to get on top of the situation, or I fear greatly for his future.

From your posts it doesn't look like a case of you letting him walk all over you, and I do understand that for people who don't have dc like this it's very hard to understand, and it's not as easy as getting your Dh to get really cross, or knocking this on the head - if you could! You would. I think you've all got to a very low point, and understandably you don't know which way to turn.

I also understand that it feels like a huge disloyalty to even consider ringing the police, but this may be a way to get some help.

Wanting control can often be a manifestation of anxiety, even though it looks like out and out violence for no reason.
Is there any chance you can take a bit of a step back to see if you can spot triggers? Eg. Theme parks could be a change in routine, crowds, something like that which may be completely off your radar. Controlling what everyone does could be his way of coping with that.

I don't know who to recommend you to go to, because we're still in the same boat with ds, with no-one who will think outside the Crap Parenting box, even though we have other dc with no violent tendencies at all.
If there has been an assessment in the offing, I would push again for it, but also maybe consider ASD or PDA as well.
Even if you don't get a diagnosis, knowing vaguely what you're dealing with will help you to understand how to deal with it.

Good luck, I hope things improve for you

Judge your comments are a disgrace
However gobby a 10 year old child - CHILD - is - or any person else for that matter - they do not ever deserve physical abuse
Unbelievable

I suppose only apple knows deep down whether the police are actually necessary and will help.

judge has presented an interesting perspective which hasn't been considered so that is also an avenue worth looking in to.

apot you put more honestly what I first thought!

I was about to follow up my own post with saying that I do this that apple's Ds's behaviour is unusual. It just isn't normal to be habitually violent to another person.

Pass if her brother is physically violent towards her, than yes the Police need to be called, whatever she is still only 10, a child which needs safeguarding from abuse.

Also meant to say that enforced consequences in situations like this May only serve to inflame things.
Spotting the root of the problem, and each trigger as it arises can be much more effective.

Remember his abuse is also directed towards his mother too.

No I totally agree. 100%.

I was just wondering if I was overstepping maybe. But no, where hands and fists get raised like this there is no other way for it.

dd and ds are separate considerations in a way as in YES get ds help but YES dd must be safeguarded.

a ten yo girl being punched violently in her own home by a 14yo boy to the point of fat lips and fearing going home is a serious issue regardless of what the needs and help required issues of the boy in question are.

the OP has done masses and now has a CAHMS referal in place for ds but dds needs and safeguarding has to be addressed too otherwise the OP falls foul of her legal and ethical responsbilities and duty of care towards her.

no child should be suffering physical violence and fear in their own home - i don't think any of us would disagree with that would we? it doesn't change just because it is being meted out by another child rather than an adult.

presumably the person who thinks both should be punished and each is as culpable in theory has stood the average 10yo girl next to the average 14yo boy recently and seen the difference in sheer physical power and measured the capacity for harm the latter poses to the former in an out of control angry state?

Nice bit of victim blaming there judge

Op as I said on page 1 your job is to protect your dd. you are not.

Be very careful or you couid loose both dd and the new baby.

In Britain even a child witnessing domestic violence is seen as cause for concern let alone a child being abused.

Your dd is a victim of domestic violence. Please help her.

Call the police on your ds. You may bitterly regret it otherwise. One punch can kill.

I have teen dss and dds and this is most definatly not normal teenage/sibling arguing. Not in a sane world.

This boy thumped his sister for feeding the dog wrong that is not normal behaviour that is him being pissed off at his sister thumping her THAT is not normal sibling behaviour that is violent controlling behaviour don't try and put it in a box of sibling squabbles, replace 10yr old sister with 14 year old girl friend would it be normal to hit her for doing something wrong

Why doesn't your DH say anything about domestic violence towards females?

Sibling rivalry with this age gap is not normally physical. I am 2.5 years younger than my brother but I know that any physical fights did not really arise beyond 10 and he most definitely would have not hit me at 14 however 'annoying' I was. My own son is 7.8 and hit me (with a book) recently in front of his Dad, obviously I dealt with it but my DH reiterated how unacceptable it is. There is 4 years between him and his little sister and he rarely gets angry with her but did once about a month ago - went to push her. All I could here was DH stressing and reinforcing how it was 'really not cool to hurt anybody but especially not little girls'. This is why I ask what DH is doing?

Good luck with everything- hope it gets sorted.