To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

I'm struggling to think what help Children's Services could offer the OP, though.

If the OP asked for respite, they would probably look to a family member. If she wanted therapy for her son, they would refer to CAMHS (if appropriate) or suggest the OP talks to the GP. If she was worried about the safety of her other family members, they would suggest she called the police. All of these things can be done without the intervention of CS.

Dixie, what do you think the OP should be asking ask them to do?

I agree Dixie, ss are at significant fault here. We hear of parents being treated with suspicion and a guilty until proved otherwise attitude because they've taken their child to a&e, yet they are doing nothing about a 10yo child who is forced to live with regular abuse.

Something is wrong with that picture! Perhaps the OP needs to start taking her daughter to hospital every time she's assaulted...maybe then it will be raised as the sagfeguarding issue it clearly is.

We don't know why Social Services closed the case, though. The OP hasn't told us what work was done while the case was open, so we can't guess why it was closed.

It might be an idea to go A&E, but it may turn the spotlight on the parents if it's believed they are not doing enough to protect their DD.

Suburban, if that's what it takes to get a young girl the help, support and protection she needs...is it a bad thing? At least with a spotlight on the family there's a better chance of preventing a nightmare becoming a tragedy.

Definitely, andro. Sorry if I implied it wouldn't be a good thing to go to A&E.

presumably ss have been involved with the son not with the daughter. re: to help with the son's behaviour and not to safeguard the dd. that might make a very different focus. especially if they are unaware that a child is being assaulted and is going through severe emotional distress at home.

OP

My heart goes out to you, my son was like this towards his sibling for years. The unpredictability was the worst to cope with .

I would say you do need to call the police if he is violent.

However, Have you had your son assessed for ADHD/ODD (sorry have only skim read this). My son did a lot of the things your son is doing - he was on a very short fuse, always angry, utterly dreadful to his sister and me for years (we did call the police on occasion and locked him in his room but he shimmied down a drainpipe). He was eventually diagnosed with ADHD & ODD and given Ritalin for five years which did help He is now a grown man and has learnt the self control needed as he has matured and gets on well with us all now and is utterly charming with the opposite sex including his sister.

What you are describing to me does sound like he is on the autistic spectrum.

Also, suggested to us by the GP was to get our son into asport to use up some of the excess energy. He became a brilliant rower as a result and boy did that use up some energy!

What do you mean by "supporting families" Dixie? You've mentioned referrals to CAMHS, but the OP already has a referral to CAMHS - how do we know this didn't come from SS? We don't know what progress was made under SS or whether anything was resolved as a result of their involvement because the OP hasn't told us.

Things may well be different in your LA but in mine if the home environment is unstable CAMHS will not accept the referral because they work with young people with mental health problems and we haven't been told whether the OP's don has MH issues.

tbf to cahms they are set up to work with mh issues - not every behaviour concern under the sun and to be fair to their clients with mental health illnesses and disorders they don't need to be waiting 6months for help because cahms is being misused.

cahms is for children and young people diagnosed with a mental health problem.