To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

I think you need some help which I know you have tried to access. What about contacting a charity like kids company. May not be in your area but may be able to point you in the right direction.

It sounds so very exhausting.

So he shows no remorse and continues to act angrily when you try to approach him.

What kind of small child was he? Timescales could narrow whether as some posters are suggesting, drugs is a possibility or an emotional problem or an undiagnosed disorder.

I also agree with mrsjay that your first port of call today should be a call to the duty worker at social work and be prepared to say the thing no parent wants to say - "I cannot carry on like this." And mean it. They are so overstretched that if it looks like you will keep muddling along you will be queue jumped and quickly forgotten.

Sorry to repeat but you haven't mentioned any consequences for his behaviour.

Writing it all down in a timeline form would help you get your thoughts in order. This is genuinely one of the reasons calling the police is such a good idea - they document every call which means no one can forget or get details muddled

You know he could have a medical condition going on (not that it excuses behaviour you still need to be safe) and you have been passed about and ignored and left on your own to cope no wonder people fall through cracks until it is to late. I think until you get some serious help for him he isn't allowed to engage or interact with his sister at all and tell him why he can't use her as a punch bag for his frustration

Bifauxnen what consequences would you suggest? Honestly, by the time things have got to this stage (ie out of control) you are a few stages beyond simple restriction of privaleges (although these may come back into play later once the family is passed crisis).

He sounds like he has some serious underlying anger. Is there any issues with his father? Did he witness abuse as a younger child?

I really think you need to stick with him right now or he'll feel like your swapping him for the new baby. Is this an issue with him? Has he been worse since announcing the pregnancy or your DH moved in? Does he get on with your DH?

I was horrible when my mother moved her dickhead boyfriend in. I don't know what to suggest other than you need a really serious talk with him when he is calm and say he is going to anger management classes or no phone/dinner/washing/internet etc. does he understand his behaviour is unacceptable?

You poor poor thing . I am not surprised you don't like him, many would not when he is like this. I would write down all his behaviour and present it to the doctor and ask for a referral to CaHMS. I would also in the same vein ask for a paedtritrician referral. Yes he is abusing your dd, would seek advice from the Police.

If you care for my armchair diagnosis:

What your son is doing is obviously wrong and needs to be stopped. You have already had some very good suggestions. If you want to change things around you should look very closely at what is causing the problem.

Your son probably knows you don't like him very much.you avoid him by the sounds of it (sitting I'm Costa by the sounds of it). He probably feels that you "always" take his sisters side (however right you are to do this).
Another big contributor is the amount of control he is allowed to exercise over the family. He has no incentive to be kind, because he gets his way anyway whilst being met with mostly negative feedback.

I would try to get him one on one. Tell him how his current behaviour makes you feel and what you want from him. Then make it worthwhile for him by promising to change your own behaviour as well. This would include not actively avoiding him, acknowledging his positive behaviour (think 2 positives for every one negative), spending quality time with him that doesn't involve his sister.

Hqving said that: Stop allowing him to control family live. Your theme park example: before the trip make it absolutely clear that you will take turns deciding what is being done (maybe give him the map and let him be navigator). And he needs to feel negative consequences to negative behaviour, so if he demands that he makes all the decisions on the day, one parent takes him back to the car for half an hour at the first offence and for the rest of the day at the second offence. If he refuses to go to school, make his day at home as boring as possible. Take his gadgets, books, instruments away and make him earn them back by doing a chore on a day he went to school...etc

Now, to his violence against his sister. In your one on one talk make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate violence towards your DD. Tell him you will call the police at the next instance and go through with it.
This conversation needs to be a very careful balancing act. While you want him to understand that you will get tough on violence, the underlying message should be that you want to help him control his anger. It would be worth asking him about what the triggers ate and how you and the rest of the family can help him.

Once he has been cast in the role of the violent thug, it's very hard to break the cycle. He will need a lot of help, incentives and encouragement.

Camhs can be very useful - don't write them off

I have been where u are with my 12 year old daughter it can get better

I'm so sorry you are going through this horrible situation, this is domestic abuse and your ds may have a right to be angry, but he doesn't have a right to abuse your dd. She has a right to feel safe and not in fear of violence in her own home, please seek help from your local domestic abuse support service

My ndn had a very similar situation with their 14 year old ds who has adhd. He was abusive and violent, and they often had to call the police on him.

Eventually he threw a money box at his 7 year old sisters head, making it bleed and giving her concussion. Ss got involved and said if the ds was not removed from the house their dd would be taken into care to protect her. The ds went to live with his dad.

Don't want to alarm you with that but obviously you need to safeguard your dd from the abuse. Your ds does sound exactly like ndn's, has he ever been assessed for adhd?

Barbarianmum - Unlucky83 had some suggestions in her post. If he's had enforced boundaries through his life and is now acting out then it could suggest drug use etc. If he's not had many he could be too used to being in control. Different approaches for different scenarios.

Call SS. He is a danger to you and your family.

DH has been around for five years so this is not new to him, he actually prefers DH to me and they do get along very well at times.
I know sitting in costa is the wrong thing to do, I feel guilty for it and feel I should be home for my son but my daughter sometimes just doesn't want to go home if we've had a particularly bad morning with him, also I'll admit it's easier to handle him with DH around for support.. Totally the wrong way to be dealing with it I know that.
He seems positive about the new baby, always speaks happily about it, was keen to come to the 20 week scan.
I've just spoken to CAHMS to see how our referral coming along and they want to refer him down the ADHD pathway but for some reason he was lost on the system so this hasn't been done yet and they will rectify this today so hopefully I will hear something soon. I told them about the incident this morning and they've agreed to meet us tomorrow morning to see if he needs to be referred down a different pathway.

Great about being seen tomorrow.

Weird and almost entirely likely to be an irrelevant question but do you know the sex of the baby?

As for the suggestions he may be on drugs, I appreciate all your concerns and could see how this could be the case in some situations but if he isn't at school then he's at home, like I said previously he doesn't have a social life outside school with friends. He's definitely not smoking anything at home, he has a small bedroom and I often go in to see if he's ok, bring him drinks or his dinner, put his washing away and I'm also the one that cleans his room so I'm sure I would have found something or smell it.

Passmethecrisps - yes we know the baby is a boy which he was very happy with, he expressed he didn't want another sister

That is really positive to hear about CAMHS and I am pleased to hear they will see you so soon. They can be hard work but they are the only route to any MH support for your son. It is such a difficult situation for you all and not so easy to take back control when someone is so violent. Is his biological father involved at all - could he stay with him for a while? My cousin had to send her son to his dad after he became uncontrollable and it worked out well in the end.

And congratulations on your pregnancy

I did suspect this. Did his behaviour deteriorate after your daughter was born?

You do not need to put your life history on the web for all to see but there are lots of details which point towards your son having issues relating to you and specifically your daughter.

I really feel for you OP and hope getting CAMHS involved will be a start for making your family life more peaceful. It sounds line you are understandably torn between your 2 children and of course your DS needs help, his behaviour is not normal teenage pushing the boundaries behaviour. However your priority is your DD who us at risk, not just physically from her brother but emotionally to, you say she's always in tears. The last thing you want is for her to suffer longer term psychological complications because of his behaviour plus a warped view of family relationships. She needs to feel safe in her own home, sitting in Costa is not sending the right message to her. If he won't stop then it had to be Poluce and SS involvement and he will need to be removed from the family home. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and it is probably the last thing you want to hear but that could be the only way of keeping her safe.

His anger seems like it's directed towards women, you and dd, his happiness about not having another sister is quite telling. If thus carries on, he çoukd as an adult be a domestic abuser. He definitely needs help now, it is good that Cahms are onto it, sometimes you have to be pushy.

Actually I meant to suggest earlier -

One quite effective way of getting support for one child is through the others. You say you have worked with Ds's school so what about DD's? She is at risk and as such child protection policies should be followed. Also, you should have a health visitor who can provide support and get you referred to family support work or similar hopefully because of concerns for the baby. It sounds like baby will be directly safe with DS but if DS is a big lad and lashes out and throws things then a baby is certainly at risk of collateral damage.

Sorry - that sounds terribly brutal but when you say you need help you have to look at the situation with completely untinted glasses. It needs to be warts and all.

Try to imagine your DS as a grown man trying to hold down employment and build positive relationships. Focus on the man you want him to become rather than the boy he currently is