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Original poster

To dislike my teenage son

335 replies

Apple17 · 11/02/2015 09:34

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

OP posts:
Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 12:44

And am deeply deeply shocked that anyone could call a teenage boy punching a little girl as a stage of behaviour that will pass

.

Jesus Christ! Just fucking unbelievable.

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 12:45

average 14yo boy - 5'3 and 175 lbs
average 10yo girl - 4'6 and 88 lbs

i wouldn't fancy getting beaten on by someone twice my weight and god knows what advantage in muscle, testosterone and fighting experience. let alone as a ten year old in my own home.

10 is also a pretty vulnerable age to get the message that it's ok for people bigger and stronger than you to punch and bully you in your own home and to have it reinforced by the only authority figures in your life that this is ok and will not result in consequences for the the puncher other than to feel sorry for them and get them more 'help'.

this is not meant as an attack on the OP btw - i'm responding to the poster who thought that the little girl needed punishing as if being beaten by someone twice her weight and watching him also assault her mother wasn't punishment enough.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 12:47

I know, it is shocking some peoples responses on here! Normalising violence and aggression. Op ds is not far off adulthood, if this is not addressed properly, çoukd spill into his adult behaviour. If ss know he is violent towards a child, nothing is being done to address it, yes both children like one poster on here who has experience of it, çoukd be taken due to safeguarding.

Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 12:48

Sorry op but I would judge you for not protecting a child being beaten and punched.

So would the authorities if this is swept under the carpet.

Please protect your dd.

Good luck with calms.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 12:49

What would happen if this 14 year old and 10 year old were not related, she was attacked by a teenager. The police would be involved.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 11/02/2015 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 12:51

Yes the baby would be deemed to be at risk too unless the op can demonstrate her ability to safe guard.

Horrible for you op and deepest sympathy but action needed. I hope you get help.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 12:52

Poor apple. Her head must be spinning.

I really, really hope she hears what is being said.

This is not sibling rivalry.
This is not a phase - she described years worth of poor control for the DS
The Dd is at significant risk. If apple's DH was doing this to dd - what would the advice be?

Calling the police on your own child feels like it flies in the face of every instinct you have as a parent but from my experience it is often THE action which actually gets the gears grinding into motion to provide greater support.

BrowersBlues · 11/02/2015 12:52

Apple I have experienced exactly the same in my home with DS and DD. I know of others going through the same. I called the police who were a great help and I would call them again. He was held in a cell overnight and was told that the next time he is violent he will be charged. There has been no repeat - fingers crossed.

My son went to anger management sessions which did help. By the time the CAHMS referral came through he told me he was feeling better about things. I had to go into (further) debt to pay for the anger management sessions but it was worth it. I got a recommendation from a friend and my son seemed to like the counsellor.

Don't get me wrong things can still be volatile at times. I was scared he would kill someone in our house with one punch or push down the stairs. He stormed off to his fathers and has been there now since before Christmas. I was very upset when it happened but think it is for the best.

I have to admit that there were times I hated my DS. I loved him deep down but it was very tough. I read a few books about teenagers and would recommend Get out of my life by Suzanne Franks. Reading that book stopped me hating my DS and I could see that a lot of his behaviour was (sadly) all too common. The biggest change was how I reacted to his behaviour and that improved the situation. Try other approaches when things are going well, don't wait until you are in meltdown.

Things that worked for me - take him out in the car to McDonalds, don't sit in, keep driving while he eats and he might open up a bit. Tell him that you know how difficult it can be for teenagers, tell him how great he is, give him a tenner every now and then and tell him how proud of him you are. Buy him little treats e.g. give him a voucher for Top Shop. If possible and if he is interested ask him would he like to learn the drums, guitar, go to the gym, learn a martial art. Basically get on his good side with fast food and any little bribes.

Trust me I know how hard it is to be civil to a teenager who is wreaking havoc. After so many meltdowns one thing I have learned is that losing your cool and freaking out only escalates the situation. Grit your teeth and be nice and you will feel more loving towards him. You do love him, he is your little boy and he needs you. Boys are funny, they can't show too much affection because they have to be tough. Don't touch him or kiss him and keep discussions short, just try to be 'cool mum'.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you are keeping well.

Original poster
Apple17 · 11/02/2015 12:52

Sorry it's not intentional that I'm ignoring comments about calling the police.. I realise now that is what I'm gonna have to do.

Judge - sorry I don't agree with all that you're saying, my DD is not favoured. Yes intially when an incident has occurred between them my attention is focused on DD because 9 times out of 10 she has been hit and is in distress. Once she has calmed down I always go and try and speak with my son but I will be told fuck off or he just point blank refuses to discuss his side of the story. If she is seen to be goading him in anyway she is pulled up on this immediately, the problem is DS doesn't leave it there and let me deal with telling her off for winding him up he's already exploded into a fit of rage.

OP posts:
Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 12:54

need yes my shock was at the poster who seemed to normalise his behaviour and Blame the sister who is the victim here.

That's totally unacceptable.

It's not in any way a normal adolescent stage.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 12:55

Absolutely great advice from browers.

There have been a few posters on here who have come out the other side of this - you can do this!!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2015 12:55

What do you do in terms of sanctions? Presume in his room he has a wealth of laptops, games, etc etc?

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 12:56

needascarf - i would agree it doesn't need to be a behaviour for life if he quickly learns that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and has massive consequences. if it keeps being allowed to go without consequences and in fact be rewarded with more special attention and freedom (re: people cowering and allowing him more licence out of fear of enraging him) then it could well be reinforced for life.

he's not a tiny child anymore and this has gone on for years and he's managed to control it to not bring him into trouble with school or other authorities but only to exert control over those he can get away with it with and who do not threaten him in any way.

do we really think abusers just spring up out of the ground at 18 or 20 or do we think they hone the tools of their trade earlier and learn, and have reinforced, over many years how to satisfy their power needs without feeling any recompense from society or her institutions? why do you think domestic abusers only practice in the home? at what point do you think they learn to do this only at home and to women rather than try and carry out this behaviour in public or at work or upon random men?

this isn't about demonising. i'm confident he still has the chance to turn this around but no one turns things around via enabling and pandering.

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 12:57

or in other news if a 14yo boy non related to you was beating up your 10yo daughter outside of your home what would you want done about it?

is this another case of violence is ok if it happens behind closed doors and it's only done to your own women?

Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 12:59

Browsers what a brave post and wonderful how you have coped with this situation.

I hope Apple can see a way ahead after your experiences which are so similar.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 13:00

need it could be if this behaviour carries on, he is 4 years away from adulthood, so yes it is a distinct possibility. Thank you browersblues for your really excellent post, op please read her post and see if you can try those things with ds. As she said, please call the Police.

Bettybodybooboo · 11/02/2015 13:01

TheHoneyBadger yes totally agree with your reading of the situation too.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 13:02

Exactly Honey, a lot of abusers have always had issues, even in childhood that haven't been addressed properly. Some might come from dysfunctional homes, or others could be like op ds.

BrowersBlues · 11/02/2015 13:06

Crisps and Betty thank you so much for you kind words. Today is a good day so far (they are at school - or at least I hope they are!) and in all fairness things are getting better. It only changed when I changed.

Hang about though and you will read another post from me saying that I am divorcing both my children!

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2015 13:08

Couple more questions, Apple

Does he have contact with his bio dad? Is he the father of both your children? (looking for reasons for his attitude to his sister)

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 13:08

well they learn it somewhere and most behaviours and attitudes that are this 'deep' come from early on.

when they rear their heads they need dealing with no matter how distasteful it is to people to acknowledge them in so called children.

it is also sadly true that personality disorders don't emerge out of the ground at 18. sibling abuse is all too real. standing and watching a child be beaten and abused is wrong whether it is by a stranger, another pupil at school, one's husband or one's child. when the abuser is a child you're writing of the abused child and the abuser if you don't take the necessary action.

if you are afraid of your own child and are being assaulted by your own child then...? for everyone's sake you have to look at that honestly, even more so when another child is being abused.

BrowersBlues · 11/02/2015 13:09

One thing I forget to say is that sometimes all the change from a parent can have no impact whatsoever. Some DC are on a destructive path and all the fast food in the world won't change things. We just have to hope that they come out the other side.

Miggsie · 11/02/2015 13:11

I recommend you look at Tony Attwood's sites about Aspergers because your son may have this - particularly his insistence on order and his anxiety issues.
My friend ASD son has terrible trouble dealing with girls and is in a boys school because of this.

He can learn to manage his emotions but he needs professional help. Even if he doesn't have Aspergers, he needs emotional management and would benefit from mindfulness as well. Your DH will need help as well living in this environment.
Your DH sounds a bit useless as well TBH.

Tony Attwood here: www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers

Miggsie · 11/02/2015 13:12

Sorry - meant your DAUGHTER will need help as well.