To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

I can't get past feeling desperately sorry for your daughter who is being horribly abused in her own home. Why won't you consider involving the police?

apple has not said she won't involve the police.

What she has done is defend her son on here against what she has felt to be hurtful attacks.

She hasn't in anyway indicated that she is not taking any of the advice given.

I think some people feel that the lack of an update specifically stating what she has done indicate that she has ignored advice. It doesn't mean that at all.

I hope your CAMHS appointment went well and I hope it wasn't difficult to get him there.
Most people on here have a lot of sympathy and concern for your situation.

Celtic lay off the op for fucks sake. You have made your opinion quite clear. What is your aim here? to offer advice or just stick the boot in?

Anyone who has ever dealt with a problem of this kind will know how you are often passed on to people, then passed onto someone else and bloody months/years go by and the people who are meant to help you let you down the most.

She has involved SS who keeps closing the case and that is disgusting. She is trying to get help and doing what she can. You don't have to agree with the way she is trying to do it but you cannot accuse her of not doing anything.

I have no doubt at all that she cares for her daughter's welfare just as much as she cares about her son's and she is trying to do the best she can.

Not every poster thinks that involving the police is the right way to go, so just because you think she should doesn't make your opinion the only valid one.

It is so easy for posters to sit back and say what should be done, but without all the emotions that go with it you really don't know what you would do.

If you have no experience with this at all and all you can do is give the OP a kicking then please shut the fuck up and allow those who can offer support and advice to get on with it so the OP can get the advice and support she needs without reading your bullshit.

OP I hope you get the help your family so desperately needs

CAMHS went very well, thanks to those who have asked. DS engaged very well and was very keen to go, I know it's only one CAMHS appointment so far but we're very positive

Celtic - do one will ya!

No U2 I won't shut the fuck up. Are the only opinions allowed those that agree with the OP.?
I'm entitled to an opinion like everybody else, despite some of the OP's fans on here deliberate attemps to shut me up!
I'm going on holiday tomorrow and am in the middle of packing, so won't be contributing to this thread any more, but my opinion is still exactly the same regarding the OP. You telling me to shut the fuck up isin't going to change that.
Oh and, If you actually look back through this thread, as I have just done now, you will see that there are lots of other posters asking the op why she is not protecting her DD.

Not at all Celtic

An opinion is one thing. Being an arsehole just to be an arsehole is another.

The OP doesn't need your shit right now. So yes, please shut the fuck up.

Celtic-remember her son is a 14 year-old boy and she has two children-he is not a full grown man.
Yes its important that OP protects her DD but you really are not helping.

Enjoy your holiday celtic

For those asking about my daughter, yes her school are aware of what's going on, I've been very open with everyone about our situation at home, she does get help. If I didn't care about my daughter I wouldn't be getting my son help would I??

It must be so difficult to be stuck between helping your son and protecting your daughter. If OP was to turn and put her son into care for her own safety because she couldn't cope, she would be flamed for being a selfish lazy cow who should have done more than give up on her son.

I am 23 now, when I was a teenager my brother used to attack me quite a lot, as did my sister as I was the youngest but in all fairness I gave back quite well, we wished eachother dead, beat eachother up, and were all generally vile to eachother for no reason other than stupid squabbles, 5 years on and we are all very close, considerate and caring of eachother and would never dream of fighting and we all live far apart but talk every day and meet up regularly.

Things do get better, if you keep on at this I highly doubt he will turn into the violet thuggish woman beater that people claim he will as this behaviour in adulthood usually stems from a lack of love and care and it sounds to me like you love and care about this boy no end, one day he WILL realise that. And despite what people say he is 14, he is a child, however you want to brand him he is incapable of realising the impact his words and actions are having on the family but is fully capable of inflicting them on you, as he has no forsight for consequence you need to show him clear and severe and consistent consequences for his actions and definitely put the safety of your little girl first.

That's good news apple :)
Hope things remain more positive.

Celtic, if you were going through this it sounds like you would wipe your hands of the dc who was violent. Which is up to you, and you're entitled to your opinion, but how does that help the child? It's quite closed minded to write him off as a thug and indefensible, and also shrugging off any responsibility you would would have as the parent of such a child, which IMO doesn't make a good parent.
It's all very well to be an excellent parent when you have relatively easygoing children. You show your true colours when you have a "tricky" child, and you have to do your very best for all your children. And it's very easy to judge when you have no experience of a situation like this.

My son is 9. If in 5 years time he is still behaving like this, I can honestly say I would move mountains before I considered ringing the police. I would do everything within my power to make things better without involving the police, as most parents would when it is their child they are ringing about. Of course at the same time I would be doing everything in my power to protect my other children, the same as I do now.

So glad Camhs went well and that he was happy to cooperate, I bet that made you feel proud.

Fantastic news regarding Cahms, when are you next seeing them? Have a nice holiday Celtic, by the time you come back, this thread will be moved on.

I agree Dixie.

Best of luck apple

What consequences for bad behaviour are given.

Does he have belongings and prove ledges that are removed?

Good news on CAMHS. You might want to post in SN (or teenagers) to get support from people who understand what you are going through. And have even dealt with CAMHS - although it is very different in different areas.

maddening RTFT

you can also report a posters posts if you feel they are personally attacking.

Good luck apple it seems you have been let down by the system. My heart goes out to you all. His behaviour does sound extreme and I fear a zero tolerance approach would kind of tip him over. His behaviour sounds so extreme that I think there is something a lot deeper going on. Follow your instinct. Why do you think his anger is directed at his sister?

Child services will take a dim view? What the same child services who have been involved and have now left her to it

Yes, it does happen. Cases get closed either because the situation at the time was different and didn't warrant intervention, or because they are "stepped down" to other services or because progress is made and Social Services intervention is no longer required. Not saying the reason is always the right one, just that's what happens, at least in my LA. Cases can be re-referred if things deteriorate again, but most LAs are reluctant to keep a case open "just in case".

What I do know is that if it is perceived that the adults are not protecting the child from harm, this is considered as serious as being the one causing the harm. Again, not saying this is the case here, but it's important to make it clear exactly what steps you are taking to protect the children in your care from harm.

OP, was the CAMHS appointment an initial assessment or the start of therapy?

Sorry your family is going through this? Does he see his biological father ever?

I did read the fucking thread mummytime and feel it is a valid question - the op has obvs been addressing it through various organisations but has not said what she does yo address the behaviour when it happens - but her ds does have lots of treats such as cinema trips, football trips, playstation etc that can be effective sanctions. he has proved he can calm it down as he has responded to sessions at school etc so perhaps sanctions could help.