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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/12/2014 10:33

So sorry to hear that your DGM passed away Thanks

Im assuming this is the only Christmas Party his work are having this year, so I do think YABU if you ask him not to go. Wrt the kids, could he leave after theyve been put to bed? In what way is it difficult in the evenings (not saying this snippily, just trying to get a better picture).

YouTheCat · 22/12/2014 10:35

Is there any point in asking him to go for a shorter time and not to get shitfaced or is it all or nothing?

Christmas parties are not compulsory and you need him.

ElizabethHoover · 22/12/2014 10:36

yabu

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:36

He would have been going straight from work so wouldn't be home till after the party.

Late afternoons/evenings are hectic and tomorrow also is dd2 insulin pump change day and trying to change her cannula is always difficult if there's nobody else there to keep an eye on ds2(2).
I think I'm feeling overwhelmed too as I'm upset about Dgm and also I need to get the presents for all four dcs wrapped, due to DM being in hosp since 4 dec iam nowhere near organised.

I can see why he wants to go as he has not been out for a very long time, its just bad timing

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:37

The fact he's mentioned getting the train makes me think he will be drinking a lot

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 22/12/2014 10:38

Very sorry for your loss.

Do you need him at home or help with the DC because you need to grieve?

If its the later does he have family who could help out? Could you take your DC and be with your parents so you can grieve together?

PurpleSwift · 22/12/2014 10:38

In these circumstances of course Yanbu. He'll be dissapointed but tell him how you feel

waithorse · 22/12/2014 10:39

Have you had a chance to get out and see your friends recently ?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:40

Both really, help with dcs, and because I'm really upset, but then I feel guilty if I tell him he can't go

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 22/12/2014 10:40

Either he wraps the presents or big box per child wrapped and each item loosely wrapped inside.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:41

I haven't no, but if I wanted to dh would be fine with it. I've just been so busy with dcs, visiting DM, housework etc and now that Dgm has passed away I just feel so miserable as I was really close to her

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/12/2014 10:41

Sorry about your grandmother Flowers

Given what's happened I understand that you'd want him at home to support you. It seems inappropriate for him to be out having fun and getting drunk while you're grieving. However work Christmas parties are a good opportunity to bond with colleagues so I think it's important to go. How about a compromise - could he just go for a little while and then leave early? People would understand if he explains his wife has just lost a family member. I wouldn't want him to stay out late and get drunk either. But if he insists on going, is there anyone else who could come over to support you? A friend or close family member? x

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 10:43

Crikey - on the scale of bereaved wife and kid with issues, versus a piss up with work - what sort of man trots off to the works do without a second thought to the family?

Of course ask him as you need him at home this week to be there for you.

spamanderson · 22/12/2014 10:50

If it was me? I'd ask DH to stay and he'd be happy with that as he's an antisocial bugger just like me but if he was wanting to go, I think Id try to meet him halfway, like ask him to drive and only stay for part of it. None of his colleagues would blame him for leaving early etc knowing the circumstances.
Sorry for your loss OP.

CakeUpWall · 22/12/2014 10:54

Really sorry for your loss. Thanks My Nan died several years ago and I still miss her dreadfully.

It sounds like you have an awful lot to cope with at the moment. I'm quite surprised that your DH is planning to go at all, but even more so that he's planning to get drunk.

However, if it is important that he attends the Xmas party (and I realise that sometimes it is important, professionally, to make an appearance at such events) then I would suggest that he drives. Doesn't drink (obviously,) then comes home at a reasonable hour after showing his face and making the right noises to his colleagues.

Is there anyone else who could help you out until he gets home?

RoseberryTopping · 22/12/2014 10:55

I'd be a mess if my grandma died so YANBU IMO.

Would you be ok with him going for a few hours then coming back? Or is that just the same as him going the whole hog?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

CakeUpWall · 22/12/2014 10:57

X-posted with spam, who was far more concise than me!

Good luck OP, please try to take it easy whenever possible over the next week. This is a horrible time to be trying to cope with more stress than usual.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:58

Its just a difficult time of day as need to get dcs bathed, dd2s cannula changed etc etc so even if he went for a short time he still wouldn't be there when I needed the help.
Nobody else who could pop round either, dsis has had a breakdown and dh's mum is unwell.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/12/2014 11:02

Let him go, but give him the job of wrapping all the gifts by christmas.

peggyundercrackers · 22/12/2014 11:08

I think yabu

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 11:08

I do feel guilty as I know its been a very bad few weeks, I'm considering seeing if ds2 has a nap today doing dds cannula then and then dh could go for a short while.
I just really don't want to be at home by myself either

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 22/12/2014 11:09

Sorry about your grandmother, but YABU if you stop him going when he's been looking forward to it.

NameChange30 · 22/12/2014 11:11

"Its just a difficult time of day as need to get dcs bathed, dd2s cannula changed etc etc so even if he went for a short time he still wouldn't be there when I needed the help.
Nobody else who could pop round either, dsis has had a breakdown and dh's mum is unwell."

In that case could your husband come home to help and then go to the party later on? So he would arrive late rather than leaving early?

Nerf · 22/12/2014 11:12

Hedgehog, I've followed lots of your threads and you have a lot as a family to deal with. I do think you should send him off and let him enjoy it - you both have a lot to deal with and a bit of fun for him is probably invaluable. I also think he goes, but he wraps the presents tomorrow or he looks after the kids while you wrap them with a wine and some decent telly.

Brummiegirl15 · 22/12/2014 11:14

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable. I am expected to attend my work Christmas do and many other events. It is part of the expectation of my job plus is even in my contract that there are times that you must attend events outside of working hours.

However in the circumstances I don't think it's unreasonable for him to only stay for a couple of hours and then come home. It wouldn't be on to be out boozing all night IMO.

But I know I would struggle to get out of a do if I said my DP's grandmother has passed away. That sounds harsh but unfortunately that is the reality.

I feel for you though, you sound very overwhelmed