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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 24/12/2014 09:11

Allin, why is he abusive for daring to have a night out? Yes he said some awful things but he clearly got to the point where he needed to say something.

So it's perfectly ok that the OP controls when he goes out and comes in, takes his bank card also he doesn't even have access to his own wage and there was also a DV incident iirc yet it's all his fault?

I'd have left after the DV and most posters would have advised that to either sex.

The OP has been posting for ages on MN along the same vein and nothing ever changes. Its always somebody else's fault.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:16

I have his bank card and control of his wages because it got to the point where I had to go to food banks a couple of years ago due to dh wasting his money or lending it to his family and they never repaid so , after advice on here (yes I do take it and act on it) I took complete control of the finances, budgeted and changed a few things and we are now fine.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 24/12/2014 09:17

She's exhausted. She's absolutely at the end of her resources and he is putting himself first over their children's health.

Yes, he might be angry and resentful but I think the OP has a lot more to feel resentful about.

This isn't about him or the OP. There are kids with additional needs that come first. It is relentless.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:27

You have his bank card, you get all his wages, you hide his passport, you hit him, you control when he goes in and out....

These are things I have gleaned from this thread?

Is this true?

If so, I don't blame him at all for wanting to go out and clearly he is expressing his feelings towards you because I would hate someone if they treated me like this too. Someone is BVVVU and it's not the DH.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:30

Why don't people reverse the above situation. If a woman was in her DHs position, all hell would break loose, but somehow he's being UR.

I don't think so.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:31

Yes I have his bank card

Yes I get all his wages (for reasons stated above)

Yes I considered hiding his passport to avoid him going on holiday again and leaving me to look after dcs alone

Yes I have hit him before, something iam very ashamed of and I was wrong

Yes, to a certain point I do 'control' him going out but that is due to dcs needs and my own limitations as I need him to help me.

He gave up work a few months ago too, to help with dcs care needs but after a few months demanded to return as work is his 'respite' and he needs time away from dcs so did part time but is now virtually full time again

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:38

Your behaviour is utterly indefensible OP!

You are using classic abuser behaviour and blaming the victim in this instance, your DH.

I'm appalled by the number of people who have sided with you on this.

If you were a man posting on here, all hell would break lose.

I feel sorry for your poorly DC and also for your DH.

You need professional help and you need it fast.

If I was your DH, I would leave you.

DaisyFlowerChain · 24/12/2014 09:40

With four children to support of course he should work, you make it sound like he is on a jolly. Unless he works nights then three of the children are at school anyway so no reason to be there in the day.

Life was always going to be busy and hectic with four children but it's a choice you made.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:45

It is rare for all four to be in school all at same time due to illness and/or appts.

Up until a week and a half ago I was having to do four round trips to school each day for dd2 as she had to go home for lunch each day then back after.
When I had the dcs I did not know they would have as many problems as they do, some yes but not the things like diabetes, severe migraines or allergies and it all adds up and could never have been predicted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:46

So who were the victims when his family 'borrowed' all his money and I had to trek out of borough to a food bank to feed dcs and then relied on a food parcel from a mnetter. To see my dcs overjoyed at value crumpets broke my heart.

Who was the abuser then ?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:47

You have a stressful life, this is however not an excuse

It doesn't change the fact that YOU are a perpetrator of domestic violence (physical, financial and emotional) and are seeking to blame him.

YouTheCat · 24/12/2014 09:47

Yes, because having children with additional needs is just a huge fucking picnic. Hmm

Very often both parents end up having to give up work in these circumstances. It is a constant round of appointments and care meetings and trying (unsuccessfully) to catch up on sleep and hold it all together.

No one is saying hitting out is right. But this man needs to step up to his responsibilities as a parent.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:47

Are social services involved with your family?

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:48

That also doesn't mean that he doesn't need to take a long hard look at himself too. However, blaming him for everything here is not on.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:49

Yes ss were, see earlier in the read.

It is not financial abuse. I need to feed, house and clothe the dcs not enable dh to line his family's pockets or make ridiculous purchases.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:50

If you have his cards and all his money, and he has no say in it how it is spent or where it goes, yes it is!

YouTheCat · 24/12/2014 09:50

OP took his bank card because he was leaving them without enough money for food - that's not controlling.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:51

yes it is

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:52

By his own admission he's "no good with money"

I don't care how it appears, I put my dcs need to eat etc before dh's financial freedom. Its all very well saying its financial abuse but when you have four hungry dcs and a mil borrowing a lot of money and your dh buying fishing equipment its not going to help hungry little tummies much is it or pay the rent.

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 24/12/2014 09:53

Not financial abuse to withhold all money from a partner Hmm. Little point in posting a its all his fault and none of it yours.

Yes he shouldn't have borrowed his family his whole wage once unless they were in dire need but given the amount of WTC, CTC, CB and DLA you must get with four children he likely thought there was enough to do a food shop. CB alone would have covered it.

He may have a few faults but yours far outweighs his yet you can't see it and will continue to exert this control over him until he has the sense to leave.

YouTheCat · 24/12/2014 09:54

How would you deal with that then? OP has done the talking about it thing and yet he still gave all the money to his parents anyway - leaving his own without food knowingly.

Should OP just roll over and say 'oh never mind the kids don't need their tea'?

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:54

No of course it's not. He sounds like he's crap with money, many people are. My dad was the same, I remember my mother trying to deal with it. Was horrible.
There are however ways to deal with people, and I can't blame him for not wanting to be at home with you. Having said that, I don't blame you for being frustrated with him too, but it's not all his fault!

WooWooOwl · 24/12/2014 09:55

It sounds like both of the adults in this relationship are equally as horrible to each other tbh. There is clearly no love there from either of you and I can't see how it's going to help anyone in this family to try and work out which partner is the most abusive or controlling.

The situation is what it is, and you are either going to have to find a way to live with it until your children are less dependent or end it and work out a new way to live while separated. There's a reason why divorce and separation rates are sky high in January.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 09:56

Let's spell this out again.

He has not autonomy financially, you have hit him, you repeatedly don't want him to go out, you hide his passport....

Please reverse this situation and let's discuss how we'd all be responding to that.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:56

At one point it was over 25k of debt. Majority lent to dh's family.

Not just a set of wages. And dcs dla mostly goes on things like medical equipment not funded by nhs/taxis etc as they have a lot of appts.

OP posts: