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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 11:49

Not really. I wouldn't say my advice was 'wonderful' and I assume neither would the 100+ other posters who are cherry picked or ignored. It's not the first thread by a mile and op is choosing to leave out facts eg violence and general unpleasant behaviour by her so that others 'dear dear'.
The children aren't babies and need to be given the tools to manage their conditions. 13 year old never left alone nor trusted to amuse another child? And the blame lays squarely at her husbands feet for not stepping up? It sounds like he does and works but that's not good enough either, no cash card etc. We would be quite condemning if he was a woman......
My comment yesterday was due to the repetition of theme. Then the dismissal of ideas NOT instructions.
Lastly (wearily) yes I have children with SN. And more than one. And a life limiting illness but not depression. Hope that allows me an opinion.

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/12/2014 11:58

Well said wannabe. There's another thread running on MN at the mo re violence and as its a man the advice is leave now. Yet the OP on here has down played here assault incident so much that others blame it on stress and the man is still at fault.

He must have the patience of a saint but it's likely down to the fact that his every action is controlled. It would have been far better if he had had the courage to phone the police and SS after the violence.

The OP chose this life, it doesn't take a genius to know that four children with an inherited condition will be hard but went ahead anyway.

The older ones need to leave home at some point and need independance to be able to do that. Isn't that what we do as parents, give our children the tools to survive as functioning adults?

Dropdeadfred2 · 27/12/2014 11:58

I do agree that out of all the issues the OP had to deal with the inability to see that the eldest children are old enough to be, and definitely should be,taught and expected to deal with their conditions to the benefit of themselves mainly, but also to allow their parents time to deal with their siblings.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 11:59

I did not deliberately leave out the violence part. It was not relevant to my op, but, as it was mentioned I have admitted yes iwas wrong to have been violent towards dh in the past. What more can I say?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred2 · 27/12/2014 11:59

Sorryy pressed send to quickly...that issue is the most frustrating and impossible to understand.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 12:00

Not all of the conditions are genetic so I did not know things would be like this.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/12/2014 12:02

Hedgehog I don't think you will gain anything but upset from posting on MN for advice, sorry to say.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 12:04

My dcs are being taught to manage things but its not going to be overnight. They have many appts and therapy to help achieve this but it won't happen in an instant as the problems are complex.
Maybe I should just tell dd1 to snap out of it, keep an eye on a two year old and pop a dislocated joint back in while she's unconscious so that I can do dd2s cannula and dh can go out for a break ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 12:11

What you don't see is that every week ds1 sees a psychologist and we do things at home based on the work he does the to help him with his anxiety and sensitivity issues.
The dcs have physio every single day and dd1 has been doing hers herself for a while now, only calling for help if she dislocates/subluxed of feels faint (sometimes she recognises the feeling other times just drops) I shouldn't have to justify this but feel it needs to be pointed out as the picture is being painted of me keeping dcs dependent when iam doing all I can to help them all.
Even with dd2 we explain to her what we are doing as doing it for the day she takes over her own diabetes care.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 12:11

Fanjo but that's the point isn't it? We lay ourselves bare and ask advice - sometimes it's not what we want to hear.
Hedgehog to say 'it's not relevant' is rubbish. You are painting a picture- a character assassination- and leaving out vital information as that is the truth.
You are very 'my way or the high way' and it smacks of martyr syndrome and 'only my care is good enough'. You aren't doing your older children any favours and I am afraid I agree with those that intimate you had four children knowing what lay ahead- including for them. There is really no need for you both to be at home if you relinquished control a bit. I know- as I get it- you will be entitled to a lot of financial help etc because of the DLA.
Anyway I am not going to bow and scrape and tell you life is awful and it's your husbands fault. It's not.

KatieKaye · 27/12/2014 12:15

hedgehog - I am not saying this to be cruel or goady, but having suffered from spontaneously dislocating joints all my life, yes at 13 I did relocate dislocated joints myself as a matter of routine. because I knew how to do it and because it was quicker and therefore less painful to do it myself rather than wait for someone else to do it. the only exception is when my hip dislocates as that requires 2 people to get it back in.

Dropdeadfred2 · 27/12/2014 12:23

your daughter does go to friend's house..(as you mentioned previously)...w gay happens if she dislocates a joint or passes out there?? would they have to call you?

Dropdeadfred2 · 27/12/2014 12:23

apologies for phone autocotrect..what happens not gay happensBlush

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 12:45

The friends houses dd has been to, I have spoken with the parents beforehand and advised them what to do, once an ambulance had to be called for dd and quite a few times I've had to rush back to her. Other times she has been ok. She has been out a few times with friends too, one occasion she was very unwell and luckily dsis was in the same shopping centre and was able to contact me, dh left work and we had to take dd to a and e (fainted and dislocated shoulder). She has had a lot of problems when going out but we continue to encourage her to and deal with it as I've just mentioned as and when things happen which is frequently but we try our best. She can relocate finger joints herself but shoulders and knees are too painful and she gets very upset, it often happens when she faints.

I did not know about all the conditions, I feel I must point this out again. When I had dd1 we did not know we would pass on eds, with ds1 we were told there was a chance it was only after he was diagnosed and further assessment showed any child we had would have eds.
As far as problems such as type 1 diabetes, allergies, reflux, migraine, scoliosis, pots. WE HAD NO IDEA. It is bad luck not anything we could ever have forseen

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 12:51

The only thing we don't let dd1 do is get the train anywhere without us as due to the frequent fainting/dizziness its too much of a worry for her and us. Dh will drop her off rather than her get a train.

OP posts:
LeftyLoony · 27/12/2014 12:54

The ones putting the boot in to OP e-bloody-nough now. You've made your point, you've been deleted, give it a rest.

KatieKaye · 27/12/2014 13:06

Hedgehog - yes it is upsetting when a joint dislocates and of course it is painful. But this is a fact of her life and at 13 she needs to have appropriate coping mechanisms that allow her to deal with the upset in a constructive way and the techniques to get a joint back in.

When this happens on a daily basis you just get the joint back in place as quickly as possible so you can get on with your life. Or that's what I do and have done since I can remember.

Fainting in a shopping centre and dislocating shoulder should have been an ambulance job, not your DSis calling you, only for you to have to take her to A and E. That's bad decision making on DSis's part and not helpful.

I'm not sure why fainting on a train is any worse than fainting on a bus or in the street? Your DD is already 13 and needs to be given the tools so that when she is older she can lead a full life safely. And that includes using public transport.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 13:10

It is the platform I'm worried about, at the moment as she's been fainting a lot. Waiting for appt with her consultant as they want to try medication, if she faints less then obviously we would reassess and it might then be possible for her to.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 27/12/2014 13:20

Do you mean you are worried about her falling between the train and the edge of the platform, so down onto the rails?

She would only be that close if she was actually getting onto the train, so surely less of a risk than the possibility of fainting when crossing a road and getting run over?

IS there a support group for young people with her condition she could join? To talk to other people in the same situation and see how they cope?

Becoming a teen means that she needs to start having some independence and at the same down has to sit down with you and her dad and talking about risks and how to plan sensibly to get to and from places safely by herself/with friends. She can't live her whole life always having a family member in attendance.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 13:27

Yes, that's what I'm worried about. If her medication works and there's an improvement I would not be so worried. Dd1 has been worried too but I'm hopeful medicine will help.

No support group for children/teens locally but dd has 1 friend at school who also has pots so she chats to her.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 13:35

I have epilepsy and had it severely and uncontrolled as a child/ teenager and hated being wrapped in cotton wool. It's likely your anxiety over the unlikely event of her fainting and falling through the gap will make her reluctant to achieve and do things.
The best tools you can give her are the ability to cope. Don't pander and let her manage her condition. I have broken god knows how many bones and I am so grateful (as there was four of us) my mum let go a bit.

wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 13:37

She could wear a Medicare bracelet?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 13:38

It's so difficult isn't it, balancing things. I worry so much but obviously my anxiety will rub off on her.
I do appreciate your input wannabe and I do acknowledge that a different point if view can be helpful. I will try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 27/12/2014 13:38

Yes, dcs have medic alert wristbands

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 27/12/2014 14:37

hedgehog, you can continue to have these discussions with your DH BUT THINGS WILL NOT CHANGE as you haven't resolved any of the underlying basic problems.

I said earlier that you are going to alienate people here (due to your repeated threads where we all do this dance) and lose a possible place of support and I fear this is going to happen.

I'm bowing out now as I can see how this is going to go.